Perhaps it was just presumptuous of M. Night Shyamalan to promote his upcoming adaptation of the Avatar: The Last Airbender tv series at the end of The Happening on a little girl’s backpack. Around these parts, The Happening is one of the most laughably awkward movies ever made and it sure did no favors including the otherwise promising The Last Airbender film. I guess, since we were collectively watching the end of The Happening, we should have known that The Last Airbender would be a steaming pile. Yet, I watched it all the same.

I’d heard from several friends and colleagues (not in the 6-12 age range that the original cartoon targeted) that the Avatar series was excellent. I have thus seen about five episodes of the first season and can confirm that the animated tale of the titular last airbender is not only quite entertaining, but one of the most universally excellent animated series in recent times. It (and the movie, but we’ll get to that later) centers around Aang, who has been literally frozen in time for a century discovering his role in the ongoing war between the Fire Nation and the other subsets of the human race. Aang is an airbender who can harness and control air with his skills. The Fire Nation can control fire and are apparently pissed at something and decide to exterminate the Airbenders and are waging war against the Water People and Earth People. Thus, Aang and his friends Katara and Sokka must fight the Fire Nation and some dethroned prince or something. I haven’t gotten that far in the series and damn if the movie did anything to clarify.

I need to get a few things out of the way before the review can continue. M. Night sucks balls and should go back to filmmakers’ school or wherever will no longer insult my sensibilities. And the cartoon (even only seeing maybe 1/20th of it) is far better than the movie. Allegedly, this was intended to be the first in a trilogy of films that cover the series’ three seasons, each tackling Aang mastering one of the other elements. The movie failed (at least critically) so that may never happen. Upon watching the series (after the movies for the record), I was struck by how heartful and genuine it was. The series is not dark and brooding like the film, and in fact embraces the innocence of childhood as Aang is quickly thrust into an authoritative figure that he is not cut out for. All of that was lacking from the film but that is not all.

Sure, it is ambitious to try and condense a 22-episode season into a film. M. Night deserves accolades for that in theory at least. But just like watching every other episode of a TV series, you may get the gist but it is rather awkward and jarring. What took the 22 minute series premiere to cover, M. Night gets in less than seven minutes or so but with the side effect of stripping any redeeming character moments or mystery from it. The story is interesting (thus what got me watching the superior TV series) but as certain plot points are efficiently hit, I really lost track of why the hell I should care since I barely knew these characters or what they were up against. The fact that this movie had more voiceover than what I hear the original Blade Runner is like and characters that exist ONLY for exposition only cements that we are not watching a full story, only a condensed version of it.

This entire review won’t be comparing the film to the series (but there’s no contest, go watch the series NOW) so I will move on to things specific to the film. M. Night is no stranger around Movie Scum and I believe I mentioned once before that he should stick to directing. Scratch that … he should stick to producing or retiring. There are some things that I enjoyed about the film (namely the cinematography and the production design) but most everything else was lackluster at best. Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz, and Jackson Rathbone as Aang, Katara, and Sokka respectively all turned in garbage acting. In fact, there was not one (1!) actor in the film that I could pick out as decent against their horrendous counterparts. Across the board, it is that bad.

Likewise, the special effects are not too spectacular considering this was a multi-million summer release which should have had all of Paramount and Nickelodeon’s money behind it. Yet, some were okay, most were bad, and some were head-scratchingly abysmal which makes watching this film (not in 3D mind you) a headache in and of itself. The boats employed by the Fire Nation though were awesome and especially the design of the different worlds whether the ice-capped Water People world or the beautiful Earth People world (these were rather glossed over in the film) were impressive even if there were jettisoned for horrible storytelling at every angle.

I may not be the most attentive movie watcher, but I swear there was a girl in the final third of the film who merely showed up, seemed to be important, and then died in a triumphant matter (oops, spoiler!) without the chance for me to even catch her name. And thus, the main failure point of the movie (not counting the horrid acting) is that the story is literally 480 minutes of story truncated into a feature film with no regard to the playful nature or even attempting to scratch the depth of the source material.

That said, The Last Airbender is not a crap category type of film. It is beautifully shot but simply incompetently directed in every other regard. It might be worth seeing just what the “hype” is about but it does not contain the awfulness as some of the other films we’ve reviewed.

I have no idea what Hollywood is thinking sometimes. With the constant remakes, reboots and re-imaginings of so many movies clogging up the theater it’s hard to find something … different. If it’s not a “classic” movie from only 10 years ago that is being shoved back in our faces, it’s the deluge of “Super Hero” movies filling every marquee in town. I, for one, am quite simply, sick of it. That is where Hobo with a Shotgun comes in.

It’s plain to see from the title alone that this is not your ordinary movie. When I first saw the box when it was released, I was skeptical. I have proven that I have a increasingly strange and probably unnatural love of bad movies. Having said that, even I don’t make a purchase on a whim knowing absolutely nothing of what I am plopping down my hard earned cash for. However after seeing some reviews online, twitter, and personal friends recommending the movie to me, I made my choice. (Quick side bar; I actually purchased the movie with the full intention of watching it that way, until it popped up on Netflix. Thus saving me the $20. Score!)

Hobo (as I will refer to it from here on to keep things short) stars a haggard-looking Rutger Hauer in the titular starring role. The character he plays is never given a name other than “Hobo” so it’s not like I am just forgetting it. The hobo rides into a new town on the rail car with nothing more than a bindle, cane, and the hopes of starting a fresh new life. Once in town Hobo soon realizes that this is not a happy place to make a new start. Crime is rampant in the streets. From the very beginning of the movie the hobo is witness to a brutal murder of a man at the hands of his very own brother and nephews. The murderers are “Slick”, “Ivan” and their father “The Drake”. Drake runs the town, and rules over the people inhabiting it with a bloody iron fist. Those that oppose him are brutally murdered. Hell, even those that DON’T oppose him are brutally murdered.

Hobo is trying to just stay out of the way, keep his head down, and turn his life around without dying. This all changes when he steps in to help save a prostitute’s life. Unfortunately for him he got on the bad side of “Slick” who is Drake’s more violent and sadistic son. Slick decides to take his revenge on the Hobo and the girl (Abby though she is credited as “Prostitute”). Well that is enough to send the hobo over the edge of crazy cliff. He snaps, buys a shotgun, and well… decides to kill just about everyone that gets in his way. In his own weird murderous way, he is just trying to clean up the town, and maybe take down an insane dictator along the way.

I was told that this movie would be one that was insanely bloody, gruesome, and more than most can handle. I guess that would have been the case if I hadn’t seen so many crazy Tokyo Shock movies before this one. There was only one scene that was kind of out of line involving children. However given that the ENTIRE movie was so crazy over the top, it wasn’t that bad. Also the payoff for that scene later in the movie makes it all worth while. For the most part, it was really bloody, sure, but nothing that any fan of gory horror movies isn’t accustomed to.

Surprisingly enough, the acting is pretty good. Hauer straddles the fine line between crazy and caring pretty well. Sure, he dips to one side or the other in certain scenes, but it never felt over played. I don’t think the rest of the cast has ever been in a movie before (at least not that I am familiar with) but they all do a great job. I actually really liked the guy that played “Ivan”. It felt like he stepped right off the set of some 80′s midnight movie and on to this one. One spot in the movie however was so completely OVER acted it was literally laugh out loud funny. I won’t spoil it but it involves a doctor and nurse that may be just a little stressed out at work and not willing to lose their patient. Hilarious, trust me.

Even though this was not a true “Hollywood” movie, the big production companies can learn a thing or two from Hobo. Sure it won’t win any Oscars or Golden Globes, but it was original and that goes a lot farther than a remake. It reminds me of “Planet Terror.” A movie with high production value, that was made for the one thing that people seem to have forgotten about… Fun. Going to the movies should be fun again, and this movie goes a long way to restoring my faith in future directors. Also, how can you go wrong with the line, “We’re going on a trip to hell, and you’re riding SHOTGUN!”

Republished with permission from 3SMOVRadio.com

Considering that this seems to be the summer of superheroes and 3D turds, it was nice to hear that Jon Favreau was making an honest-to-goodness summer blockbuster with real actors (no Shia here!) and no fancy extra-dimensional trickery. Yet, I was sad to hear that many of the advance reviews of Cowboys & Aliens were largely negative. I didn’t read any of them but I can see where they probably are coming from. It’s not as good as I hoped but it was enjoyable enough. At least 66% of it was.

The late 1800s must have been a terribly interesting time what with the recent conclusion of the Civil War, a burgeoning industrial nation threatening the traditional old-timey towns, and of course those greedy, gold-seeking aliens who snatch up unwilling science project participants. But no air conditioning. That’s a deal breaker for me. When Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) wakes up in the middle of nowhere, he doesn’t seem fazed by the lack of air conditioning, or even his lack of memory. After dispatching a few guys and acquiring a dog, he meanders into town where he is stitched up by the preacher (Clancy Brown), accosts the local entitled douchebag, and is arrested by the Sheriff for outstanding warrants of mayhem and murder.

Jake even has a history with the local douchebag’s father, and grizzled businessman, Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) who is still peeved that Jake ran off with something of minor interest: a booty of gold. As Jake and douchebag are loaded up for transport to the federal marshals, flying alien craft invade the town, blowing stuff up, and snatching up poor hardworking townsfolk. Jake manages to take down one of vessels courtesy of an technologically anachronistic bracelet attached to his wrist, causing the other craft to retreat. Jake, Dolarhyde, the preacher, and Sam Rockwell then set off in pursuit of the aliens to free their people.

Considering that there are no less than five credited screenwriters plus an additional screen story credit, Cowboys & Aliens could easily have been an awful mess, not unlike another based-on-a-comic western from last summer. That’s Jonah Hex in case you were wondering. But the majority of the story is pretty good, especially at the beginning as Jake and the townsfolk are scrambling to understand what the hell is going on. As everything unfolds, we get a good look at this lowly town just trying to scrap by and the people that inhabit it. Most summer movies (hell, a lot of movies period) skip any sort of characterization but we get that in spades here. It is nice to actually be able to connect with a character before they are carted off to the mothership or killed.

It is unfortunate, however, that the rest of the movie did not feel as real as the characters. Surely, no one can argue that Favreau is an incompetent director and he shows here that he has the skills to create some tense and exciting sequences such as when the band of townies run across Jake’s old gang or the remaining Apache tribe in the area. But, the fact that CG is used entirely for the aliens is disappointing. I can understand for practical purposes, a CG flying craft is much easier than a practical one. But that the aliens are entirely CG is almost inexcusable, especially for a movie that is almost positioned as the anti-2011 summer movie. The design of the aliens is a bother since they really have no defining characteristics except for their bizarre physiology. Their motive is questionable as well but that is all but called out by Olivia Wilde’s character.

The real problem begins once the human characters launch their assault on their aliens. Everything up to then is solid, if not spectacular. But the final act of the movie pulls out the cliché checklist and follows it to a T especially when it comes to the payoff to poorly written character moments, hero moments from previously less than heroic characters, and the conclusion of character arcs you can see from a mile away. For me, this was not enough to destroy the excitement up until that point, but it is a bad ending tacked onto an otherwise good film.

It’s a shame though that the film did not deliver on its promise all around. The cinematography was beautiful (in fairness, a lot of westerns are), the music by Harry Gregson-Williams was appropriate (more than I can say for that Mastadon BS from Hex), and the characters were fleshed out so you actually give a damn about them. Favreau has done well for himself with the Iron Man series and C&A proves that he can branch out successfully. Just leave the written-by-committee at home next time.

I don’t have air conditioning in my car. This makes commuting rather uncomfortable especially last week as a blistering heat wave across the country produced temperatures in the 100s. See the images on the top and side of this post? Click one and help Puck have AC. Anyways, on insanely hot days, I almost always think of Die Hard with a Vengeance as it is a movie that almost makes you sweat from the heat atop the New York City streets. Let’s disregard that a lot of the film was made in South Carolina. But I’m rambling now, so let’s get on with the review.

When I reviewed Die Hard some time ago, it had been a while since seeing it. Thus, I was captivated at the sheer brilliance of it all, not just for a “mindless” action film, but because it is a damn solid story that pretty much built all the action movie tropes still in use today. It’s second sequel though, DHWAV for short, gives Hollywood a damn fine template for creating a action sequel that is not downright insulting to the viewer (cough… Speed 2).

In his review of this film, Roger Ebert lamented that while movies of previous years were satisfied with one or two major action scenes, “now there are movies that are essentially nothing but sensational stunt sequences.” While a smidgeon of action may have met the audience’s expectations a few decades ago, everything is bigger, badder, and louder in our constant struggle to outdo our predecessors. That is where movies like Salt come in with a huge disparity between dialogue and action to the detriment of the former. DHWAV isn’t as reflective or character driven as the original blockbuster that spawned it but it sure makes up for that it balls-to-the-wall action that is the pinnacle of “edge-of-your-seat” cinema.

Writer Jonathan Hensleigh reportedly developed the story as a standalone film and only later was it tweaked to fit in with the Die Hard franchise. Compare that to Die Hard 2, which sucks because it is a shameless retread of the original. Right off the bat, that fixes a number of problems with the second. In this one, John McClane (Bruce Willis) is obviously back, but he is now in New York again, separated again and just shy of being kicked off the police force. When after the second did McClane and Holly start feuding again? Why is he on suspension now (surely, his loose cannon persona would have come forward by now)? How many hours a day does McClane watch Captain Kangaroo? These pressing questions are not even address here, but they aren’t even asked. Perhaps as a way of divorcing the film from the lackluster previous entry, you really need to know nothing going into this film other than there was a first movie called Die Hard.

Sure, there is the fact that Simon (Jeremy Irons) is the brother of the first film’s villain that may be nice to know. But it’s hardly required since the revenge angle is quickly dropped by the antagonist himself. Instead, Simon is the best/worst example of a mercenary: he is perturbed that McClane took his brother skydiving without a parachute but he really just wants the billions of dollars in gold located at the NY Fed branch. Simon has intricate and sometimes scary objectives for McClane, but only to get him out of the way, nothing more. And Hensleigh’s script works so well because the scenes of McClane and Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) bickering back and forth while solving the riddles are mostly extraneous but they add much more to the story than most films of this genre do.

Yes, it can be said that Jackson plays the same loud-mouthed character in every film and this one is no exception. But Zeus is such a fun character with his insights, his yelling, and his racist-radar (racar?) that make him an endearing character with a real arc as he goes from angry bystander, to angry unwilling participant, to angry hero. Reginald VelJohnson‘s presence is not missed. And Willis seems to have been phoning in the same performance for a number of years but here he proves that McClane is an action hero along the lines of … well, McClane is his own breed of smart-ass, tough-as-nails NYPD cop. Sometime between the original and this film, McClane has become supercop who can manage to be everywhere when he needs to, get out of impossible situations unscathed, and always save the day. It is a departure from the relatively humble McClane from the first but, oh well. I’m sure Die Hard 2 was the cause of that.

Regardless of the almost non-existent factual basis for the story, the action, or the horrific “German” spoken in the movie, returning director John McTiernan is able to pack in so much that there really is no time to process any of the quips. Once the beginning credits end, the movie starts with a bang and does not let up until the end, save for the scenes between McClane and Zeus early on which add a needed sense of levity. It’s a shame that McTiernan has not done much recently (likely due to some … legal issues) since his resume is much less checkered that other renowned directors. The man knows how to make an action film click and has a method which make even the expected (since I have seen this movie far more than I care to admit) still worrisome as it is ongoing.

With such a strong story and action sequences, Die Hard with a Vengeance could likely have been over three hours without growing tiresome. The ending is a bit of a letdown since it seems so pedestrian and separate from the rest of the film. That ending though is allegedly a tacked-on studio demand but even it’s presence does not diminish the greatness of this movie. The first Die Hard is a classic in its own right and easily in the top 3 action movies ever made. DHWAV is damn close to matching its excellence, even in its own way.

Marvel has had a pretty good batting average since taking their films in-house a few years ago beginning with the lauded Iron Man. Even though their latest films have not lived up to that high standard (in fairness, that’s not an easy task), their output has been consistently on the good side with Thor and the latest Hulk movie both being quite enjoyable. Of course, the big draw is next year’s Avengers, the super-superhero movie which will hopefully find a way to congeal all of these wildly different comic book protagonists in a cohesive sense. The last stop before Avengers though is the first Avenger: Captain America.

I should not need to preface this review by saying I know squat about the comic series; this should be assumed by now. Captain America was created in the early 1940s but rose in popularity during World War II for obvious reasons. The comic, as well as the film center around Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), a scrawny kid from Brooklyn, who desperately wants to join the military but is rejected due to his lack of physical prowess as well as a laundry list of other ailments. He sees yet another rubber stamp denying his entry into greatness but Rogers is undeterred and attempts enlisting again and again hoping for a different outcome. All seems bleak for the barely 100 pound runt until Dr. Erskine (Stanley Tucci), a brilliant German scientist approaches him with a solution. Rogers is taken to training under the watch of Colonel Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) and Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) to determine if he is suitable for an experimental program.

When asked why he was chosen, Erskine tells Rogers that he was not chosen because of his physique but because of his character and his bravery. Rogers wants nothing more than to serve his country and fight in WWII and with the help of a serum developed Erskine and inventor Howard Stark, he becomes a super-soldier with abilities far exceeding his counterparts. He takes the name of Captain America and goes from hawking war bonds in stage shows to running down members of Hydra, a diabolical subsect of the Nazi party led by Johann Schmidt (Hugo Weaving). Schmidt, also known as Red Skull, previously underwent an early version of Erskine’s compound which only enhanced his evilness and fueled a desire to destroy the established nations of the world.

Even compared to the previous Marvel films, Captain America is a more genuine tale seemingly plucked from a decade from long ago, and not just the because of the awesomely created 1940s set pieces. Erskine asks Rogers before enlistening if he wants to kill Nazis. He remarks that he does not want to kill anyone, but he hates bullies. We see a brief moment before the transformation of Rogers getting pummeled by a much larger man yet he refuses to run away. The main draw of the story is the notion that this underdog with a heart of gold is the key to defeating the evil in the world. All of the cast, mostly Evans, play their characters very straightforward without an underlying hint of facetiousness. While it makes the film not quite as fun as Iron Man, it gives it more credibility than just a jaunt in the shallow summer movie world.

This year was a risky proposition with a glut of superhero movies coming out almost seemingly back-to-back. Fortunately, as this is (as far as I can tell) the last comic book tale this year, it closes off with a bang. Director Joe Johnston took great care in assembling all the facets of the film from the excellent design of the 1940s Marvel universe, to the high-tech gadgets and weapons that no one seems really fazed by, but especially with the cast which is one of the best ensembles I have seen in this type of film. Especially noteworthy were Jones, who could probably play a grizzled old man in his sleep yet is more than enthusiastic, and Weaving who plays an awesome bad guy no matter what the film. Given the story and the time period, several moments could have easily veered into the overly patriotic or the overly fantastical, but Johnston keeps that reeled in.

We still have a few more big films to go this summer, but thus far Captain America is the one to beat. It hearkens back to a bygone era, not just of movie making but of fully developed and likable characters, rousing action pieces, and helmed by a director who isn’t afraid to let you see what the hell is going on. It may not have as much emotional depth as I would have liked and it has a really odd structure to the story, but if those are the only things holding this back, you can tell we have a winner.

With Comic-Con upon us, news of upcoming movies and TV shows have been flooding through my RSS reader at the point that I can barely keep up. All I know for sure is that Walking Dead will be here much later than I would like and the new Spider-Man looks like garbage. Regardless, let’s dig in with some of the more recent and newsworthy bits that have been released.

The Amazing Spider-Man trailer

Is this purposely trying to copy a darker tone like Nolan’s Batman series? Maybe that’s the standard for superhero movies nowadays but it still seems jarring in contrast to the light and fluffy Sam Raimi version. Of course, it might be jarring simply because we saw this same damn origin story just a decade ago. Separately, I love Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone and I’m sure that the acting will not be a problem in this. In fact, the trailer looks pretty good but god does this feel like a completely unnecessary movie.

Paranormal Activity 3 trailer

I remarked in my review for the last film that this series needs a new hook. It didn’t find one apparently. Instead, we have the characters from the first and second films present, this time as little girls in the 1980s. Yes, while PA2 was kind of a prequel/sidequel (or whatever you call films like Saw IV), this is a full blown prequel. Based on the trailer, it still looks scary as hell but this series has not had a problem with that. But, this story creates two problems: 1) we know damn well that some little kids are not going to be harmed in a studio horror film and 2) these two little girls grow up and star in the others. Thus ::SPOILER ALERT PROBABLY:: they must make it through this one.

Random News
Nothing much new from the Final Destination 5 camp … other than this glorious picture of the lovely Emma Bell, courtesy of Warner Bros. Truth be told, this is included for pbf’s benefit mostly.

There’s another Ghost Rider film? Still starring Cage? Written by those asshats behind Jonah Hex? Fuck. (AICN)

Stephen Spielberg thinks we want to go back to Jurassic Park. (comingsoon.net)

Cronenberg’s “classic” Scanners is being developed for a TV series. (Deadlinehollywood.com)

If you would have told me a few months ago that I would have liked Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I would have laughed heartily. Yet, I begrudingly must say that this Transformers movie is a staple in action cinema and … a pretty good movie to boot.

I was going to write full reviews of the preceding two movies but out of laziness and an inability to sit through the entirety of both, I did not. I can summarize though. The first was a decent action movie wrapped around some of the most annoyingly cliched characters ever put to film. It was passable. The second was an insult, not only to the senses but also to anyone who has ever found any movie (Weekend at Bernie’s not withstanding) thought-provoking. TF2 was a train-wreck, mostly in story, but that was quickly talked off as a by-product of the writer’s strike that year. That would make sense then if the entire film was ad-libbed on the day of shooting.

I guess at this point, we can forget about any notion of a Transformers movie based on the rose-colored glasses of nostaglia that many hold for the original animated series and film. The most we can hope for is a decent movie which does not dig the series’ grave any deeper. Yet, with Michael Bay still at the helm and writer Ehren Krueger taking over the duties of crafting terrible dialogue scenes around the still-awesome robot destruction, something magical happened. There is an old saying that goes “even a broken watch is right twice a day.” I will expand that to “and even Michael Bay can craft a solid film once in a while.”

Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is still pretty bratty at the onset of the film as he is looking for a highfaluting job after graduating college and getting a medal from the POTUS. He feels he should be more important since he played a part in saving the world a couple of times. Cry me a river, dickface! His girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and a marked improvement over Megan Fox) works for some rich a-hole in Washington, D.C. His parents are still annoying and in the middle of everything. So … yeah. Sam is feeling insecure and that’s our A-story.

The other plot point, as if it mattered, centers around an Autobot ship that crash-landed on the moon many decades ago. It carried Sentinel Prime and his great invention to stop all the feuding that now the Decepticons want which the Autobots must thwart from acquiring. This, of course, leads to all of the action, explosions, mechanical carnage, and senseless civilian causalities that the first two films made famous. The final sequence (and by sequence, I mean the final third of this damn near three hour movie) is set in Chicago where the Autobots and Decepticons duke it out and cause a shitload of property damage to stop the impending destruction of … the Earth or something.

To be fair, my chief complaints about the first two films were corrected here. The characters are not as annoying and one-dimensional, the action is kicked up a notch, and even the story has a few twists that are quite overplayed, but still effective. The biggest compliment that I can give to the film is that I could actually tell what the fuck is going on. It was widely reported that Bay had to tone down his ADD-inducing, camera-whipping-around style for the sake of the 3D effects which means that the only headaches you will get is from the 3D. And even the 3D was the best I have seen in theaters. Granted, I’ve been limited to Piranha, Saw, and Drive Angry so I might not be an expert but the effects in general and especially the 3D were worth the trillion dollars I’m sure this thing costed.

Still, even with the addition of high-class actors like John Malkovich and Frances McDormand, this is not a Nolan or Coen Brothers film. Just like before, it is still way too long, features far too many meaningless characters, and is still hung up on Sam and his girl of the week as they sort through their problems as opposed to 150 minutes of robots kicking ass. Like I said, we’re not going to get that movie until a decent reboot happens but this is still a movie that defies all of the negatives going against it. I walked into the theater, with my sad 3D glasses in hand, waiting to completely hate this movie. Yet, between the cast, the effects, the story, or just sheer fucking luck, a good movie actually prevailed.

I hesitate to write a review of a Transformers movie this positive. It goes against the fiber of my being. It may destroy the shreds of credibility I have in this biz. But, regardless, it is the best Bay film in a while and the best Transformers movie ever. I will go watch Inception now. If I hate it, you know something is amiss.

I may have said it before, but let me reiterate: 1994 was a huge year in movies for a young Puck. Today’s random movie was one of the apexes of my love for movies. I saw Speed in theaters only once but I more than made up for it when it was released on VHS (ahh, nostalgia). Within a week, I was quoting the movie verbatim to all of my discerning middle school friends. They thought I was a loon. Perhaps they were right. But then again, Speed kicks ass. So, I claim victory even if none of them will know it.

Almost immediately, Speed kicks off with a rather enthralling opening that is actually relevant with rest of the movie! A mad bomber has rigged a downtown L.A. elevator with a bomb that spells doom for the dozen or so passengers on board. With some quick thinking by S.W.A.T. members Jack (Keanu Reeves) and Harry (Jeff Daniels), the bomber’s plans are thwarted and the passengers saved with the bomber allegedly blowing himself up once the jig is up.

Sometime later, Mr. Bomber notifies Jack that he has planted a bomb on a bus. That bus cannot drop below 50 MPH or else it will explode. This proves quite difficult in L.A. traffic with random baby carriages, school children, and inept cops trying their damnedest to make that bus blow up. It is a simple concept, to which there have been many copycats (anyone else remember the insanely ludicrous Chill Factor with Cuba and Skeet?), but Speed excels where many other films have failed.

In a perfect world, Speed would be regarded as a tentpole of the action genre like Die Hard is. It certainly helps that director Jan de Bont was director of photography on said action tentpole film as well as many other highly regarded pictures. Throughout the run time, the kinetic feel is quite engrossing with the constant threat of harm and the cat and mouse game between the cops and the bomber (Dennis Hopper). Hell, I’ve seen this more times than I care to admit and even some of the sequences such as Jack’s entrance to the bus or the freeway jump are crafted so nicely as to defy you to be ambivalent during them.

Keanu has caught a lot of flack over the years with his emotionless, wooden acting but this is likely the role he was born to play (Neo notwithstanding). In fact, I can only think of Keanu belting out timeless lines like “shoot the hostage” or “yeah, but I’m taller” with the absurdly subdued emotions that his character calls for. Sandra Bullock as the makeshift bus driver Annie is frantic, yet sweet and funny as the perfect candidate for what a leading Hollywood actress should be (well, before Speed 2 that is).

The best part of the acting front though is hands-down Dennis Hopper. Howard Payne, the bomber, is frustrated and demented and Hopper nails that persona with all the over-the-top acting he can muster. In any other movie, his performance would be laughable. But the biggest strength of Speed is that it is played serious even though the story is quite implausible. That makes Payne merely another colorful character in this implausible universe.

And unlike many big action movies, Speed is, for the most part, grounded in some semblance of reality. The threat is bizarre, but conceivable and other than the aforementioned bus jump, there is little else in the film that makes you stop and think, “wait, that didn’t make ANY damn sense.” Compare it to a “Cobra-stole-the-warhead” alarm or random action heroes outrunning huge explosions (take your pick for which movie) and Speed is one the same footing as Die Hard with an average Joe stuck in an guy stuck in an unparalleled situation.

Since action movies typically have a “check your brain at the door” mentality about them, those that don’t adhere to that only stand out more prominently. As such, with such a great combination of story, cast, and crew, Speed is far better than it has any right to be.

We here at Movie Scum love the Jesusflix. Most of the time, it is truly a blessing. Recently however, I found myself at odds with it upon seeing Speed 2: Cruise Control would be available for instant viewing. Under normal circumstances, I would be able to resist the temptation to watch it as that would mean putting forth effort to either buy or rent it. But, when I saw it was on the Jesusflix, I caved like a trampoline under a fat kid.

I have previously seen this movie a whopping one time in theaters upon its release. After it hit video later that year, I bought a VHS of it from Kmart. It was defective. That was likely divine intervention. Yet, I have always wondered: is it really that bad? Was I just a naive kid at the time like the rest of the IMDb readers who cumulatively rate this movie with a 3.4? Would I be able to wring some enjoyment out of watching it again? The answers to those questions are yes, no, and … well, sort of.

Taking my least favorite method of sequelism, Speed 2 photocopies the same plot from the first film and tweaks it ever so slightly to take place on an out-of-control cruise ship rather than the so 1994 out-of-control bus. The only meaningful returning member from the first, Annie, is dating an L.A.P.D. cop (but not Keanu Reeves!) and attempting to enjoy a relaxing vacation on a cruise liner filled with the fat people, deaf kids, and UB40. Add in a tremendously over-the-top villain with some half-cocked revenge/heist plan and you’ve got … well, a shitty movie.

I doubt I will be able to accurately convey my thoughts on this movie in the standard review format. Let me then requisition PBF’s list of gripes made famous by the G.I. Joe and Final Chapter reviews, but this time as the movie unfolds!

• Alex’s (Jason Patric) job is apparently to be involved in clichéd action movie chases.
• When did Annie (Sandra Bullock) get ditzy, annoying, and emotional? I guess we can blame Jack for that.
• Keanu Reeves opted not to come back. Good for him. He gets a nice send-off from the obviously jilted filmmakers.
• Jan de Bont has apparently embraced the shaky-cam since his last film. That last film was Twister. I can’t decide which is worse.
• Tim Conway might be here for comedic relief, but it’s not working. I blame Annie for that.
• Joe Morton (in a cameo role) has apparently decided to really suck at acting after the first.
• Aw, thanks Random Cop for blowing Alex’s secret career. Annie disapproves.
• You know what Speed was surely not missing? Stupid, emotional scenes with Annie complaining.
• They aren’t newlyweds Dante, you terrible, cardboard cut-out of a character!
• Geiger surely is upset about his golf clubs. The most subdued acting by Willem Dafoe in this movie.
• Annie is really, truly excited about drugs in the air conditioning or something. I’m not paying attention, I admit.
• Alex is planning to propose to Annie. Poor man, if I could teleport back in time and into fictional movies, I’d save you.
• Ah, the upbeat Jamacain band to bring everyone together. Do they get sucked into the propeller soon?
• Geiger getting ready for the assault with his eels and explosive golf clubs. If not for the fact that he is batshit crazy, Geiger would be a non-entity.
• Alex knows sign language. How appropriate since there is a deaf girl on board! Action Movie Cliche #11: Young Infirm Child in Danger.
• This analogy of dining-out to marriage is drawn out uncomfortably long.
• Did Geiger just use the passcode of 123456 to get into the engine room? Stupid fucking movie.
• Next day, more emotionally wrought scenes with Annie. Now, she’s complaining about a badge number.
• Score one cheesy line for Dafoe with “Let’s not split hairs.” How is that applicable unless you are beating someone with a rabbit?
• The parents of the deaf girl insult her and let her run off. Such loving caregivers.
• And just as he’s about to propose, the engine blows up. Damn inconvenient plot point.
• This girl has been in the elevator for about ten minutes. Is this is a skyscraper cruise ship?
• It is nice that Geiger gives the captain fifteen minutes to evacuate the ship. Of course, we know some group of jackholes will mess that up.
• A fat guy screaming “Let Me In There!” to a closed door is, surprisingly, not effective.
• Of course Alex goes off to investigate. And Annie looks annoyed. She’s super supportive!
• And now action hero Alex goes to save the people he endangered in the first place. What a dream boat!
• Dante is the most annoying damsel-in-distress of our times.
• Now Geiger is stealing thousands of dollars worth of jewelry that just happened to be on the ship. A heist? So overdone.
• Temuera Morrison as the captain is actually quite good. His performance does not make me want to vomit, at least.
• They’ve found out the bad guy is Geiger. Now to go accost him with skeet guns and have a nice talk.
• Drew (the deaf girl) has some kickin’ shoes. And apparently supergirl strength to be able to effortlessly open an elevator door without power.
• I sure hope all cruise ships randomly carry around chainsaws to … get rid of any trees blocking the way?
• Alex finds a way to slow the ship down. Drew is in harm’s way by doing so. It isn’t revisited after she’s safe.
• “Relationships based on extreme circumstances never work.” It’s a funny recollection of the first. Even funnier since that was not the original line.
• Stand-off between Alex and Geiger, one holding a gun, the other holding a supermarket scanner. This is riveting.
• Geiger has the worst motive ever: copper poisoning after working on computers. Umm … I think we’d all be dead if that were true.
• Dafoe sounds like a loon and looks like a horse when laughing. There you go, Hollywood: the maniacal horse.
• Alex is such a true action hero. Even smoke inhalation doesn’t faze him!
• Way to go, Annie! Throwing your arms up and saying “Oh, man!” is quite conducive to avoiding imminent death.
• When did they throw a wrench in a transmission in the first film? Oh, wait. They didn’t. Stupid movie.
• I think Geiger has spent the better part of this movie running around the bowels of the ship. I say “better part” because it isn’t as insulting as the rest.
• Of course Annie is taken hostage. Because otherwise, the filmmakers would have to find other ways for her to annoy the shit out of the audience.
• Geiger is so mean to Annie! Sure, he’s killed a few people directly and indirectly thus far, but there’s no reason to be such an ass!
• Hey, that’s the same watch that Keanu had in the first! Have I mentioned that this is the only film to make me yearn for Keanu Reeves?
• I’ll give it props and say that the effects in this movie are pretty good, even for today’s standards. The writing on the other hand …
• Like this … the ship is approaching a large, sea-side city at relatively fast speeds. Yet none of the boaters seem to notice until they are mincemeat.
• Dropping the anchor won’t stop the ship. But, let’s do it anyway!
• That boat must have been made of dynamite for the explosion it gave!
• “Seven knots!” Oh great. I forgot about the fucking annoying Scottish navigator who has to announce the speed as it drops.
• What is this town made of? Cardboard and tissue paper?
• “Six knots!”
• The acting in this movie is atrocious. Utterly, mind-numbing, god-awful.
• “Five knots!”
• Damn shop owner! Just because a boat is crashing into your city doesn’t mean I don’t want my pumpernickel bread!
• “Four knots!”
• Damn boat! You missed the little kid!
• “Two knots! Almost stopped!” Wait, what happened to three? I hate inconsistency.
• Oh, it’s a fat guy coming out of 7-11, worried about his car. I bet bad things happen to it.
• “Zero.”
• Ha, I could’ve called it even if I hadn’t seen the movie. At least the dog is okay.
• “We docked! I can’t believe it!” Dante is the most worthless of characters in this most worthless of movies.
• “Zero.” Okay, dude. We get it!
• At least the ship is stopped and the passengers are safe, the movie should be over now, right?
• Fuck, does Annie really have to be rescued? Just let that b-word drown.
• The return of TUNEMAN. Glenn Plumber should’ve stayed on ER.
• Hey, dude. Instead of saying “you’ve got to be kidding me” you could just say, “fuck, no, you’re not having my boat.”
• And, can you tell the balding Mrs. TUNEMAN to shut her trap. It’s annoying. “Look, fireworks!”
• I’m sure a suction cup the size of my thumb can withhold the weight of a man being drug through the water.
• I would’ve liked a Dennis Hopper-esque “MY MONEY!!!” when Annie throws the jewelry out.
• And Geiger flies into the very tanker he tried to crash the cruise ship into. Oh, the ironing!
• Dafoe must have gotten his teeth enlarged for this role.
• How does a plane suspended 30 feet above the deck cause the entire tanker to explode? Oh, wait. I’m still watching Speed 2.
• And now Alex finally gets around to proposing. Hasn’t the entire film dissuaded him from wanting to be around Annie?
• Oh, thank god! It’s over!
• Damn! Another driving test! Oh, a humorous callback to the beginning of the film and to the original. Yeah. It’s really over now.

So, in summary: Speed 2 sucks ass. It’s not to the level that would warrant a crap category since it is fairly entertaining. Although, that entertainment is based on admiring the shitty script, horrible acting, and waste of the hundreds of millions this movie probably cost.

The danger about making a prequel to an established series is the basic fact that we know how everything will end. This almost negates any power of surprise the film might otherwise have. But, it is neat in a prequel to see how the stage is set and everything goes down and if the known end point for the characters and the story can be reached in a logical manner. X-Men: First Class pulls this off in spades.

Much like every other comic book series, I have no concept of the X-Men backstory, the character’s origins, or whatnot other than what I’ve seen in the movies. And I’ve only ever seen the first two X-Men films. I am okay with this because not only do I hear Part 3 and Wolverine are garbage, this movie apparently does not regard them as canon.

In recollection to the first film of the series, First Class begins with a young boy ripped from his parents and yoked into a Nazi concentration camp. A man stands behind a window and watches as this young boy almost rips a metal gate off its hinges and realizes through a dastardly act that his powers are begat by extreme anger. The boy, Erik Lehnsherr would grow up to be Magneto. The man, Sebastian Shaw, becomes our depised villain.

Later in life, Erik (Michael Fassbender) tracks down and almost dies trying to kill Shaw (Kevin Bacon) before Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) intercedes. Charles has been tasked by the CIA and his handler Moira (Rose Byrne) to apprehend Shaw who is doing his best to start World War III. Shaw is a mutant, as are his cohorts, who would like nothing better than to see the extinction of normal human beings under his watch. Charles and Erik join forces along with a barrage of other mutants including Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence), Beast, and Banshee to stop Shaw and save the world.

Remember how you felt after watching The Dark Knight and thinking that it was one of the greatest movies ever? I know I’m not the only one. Well, First Class is not quite at that level of greatness but surely not for a lack of trying. Most recently known for the uneven Kick-Ass, director Matthew Vaughn is working off a much stronger script which effectively weaves the backstory elements and the current group dynamics with the threat du jour from Shaw. This all takes place with the 1960s tension between the United States and Russia. Did you know that mutants both encouraged and ended the Cuban Missile Crisis? I didn’t see that addressed in Thirteen Days.

Not only are there impressive action sequences and taut pacing, but there is even a generous helping of characterization for some of the bigger members of the story. McAvoy and Fassbender are excellent, not only at recreating sympathetic characters that we already know, but making them different enough also. Neither attempts to outright copy their predecessors but they do take subtle character traits and expand upon them. I quite enjoyed Lawrence as Mystique as well. Again, not considering any bastardizations of the character’s original tale, Mystique was one of the more interesting characters as she befriended Charles at an early age and was very loyal and accommodating to him. However, given the end result, we know Mystique will change sides and the build up to that was solid and did not seem forced at all. Bacon was enjoyable as the villain and not in the hammy sense that being the main established actor would normally bring.

As this seems to be the summer of insipid, 3D superhero movies, First Class is surprisingly restrained in that respect. There are no random objects jutting toward the camera, no tremendously off-putting special effects, and the Bay-style hyper-editing has taken a movie off. Even with the retro outfits the X-Men are saddled with, this seems like more of a superhero movie from a lost era of filmmaking, one not seen since the original film that is. Even though Rose Byrne was a very superfluous character to my chagrin, there really is nothing I can harp on this movie for. Good characters plus excellent story plus superb directing usually equals a Chris Nolan movie. In this case, it equals the best superhero movie this year.