It’s a universal truth that we’ve all had bosses, or superiors if you’d like, that deserve to be taken out back and eliminated in one way or another. I suppose that is the sad truth of growing up, becoming an adult, and dealing with bullshit day in and day out. Horrible Bosses is not the first film that addresses these frustrations of the workplace. In fact, the template (for me that is) of aggravating employment is and will probably always be Office Space. Director Seth Gordon and his team of writers don’t pull off the malicious nature of inter-office politics to the same success but damn if they didn’t create a film I believe will be highly regarded for some time.

It is unfair though to outright compare Bosses to Office Space. Similar themes exist but the crux of the movie is wildly different since no one actually wanted to kill Bill Lumbergh. Nick (Jason Bateman) is practically a yes-man who comes to work early and stays late thinking he is in for a big promotion. Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) loves his accounting job at a small chemical firm and is especially fond of his aging boss. Dale (Charlie Day) is miserable as a dental assistant but he cannot find better employment due to a mishap with some urine and an adjacent playground. Later, Nick is dicked over by his boss Harken (Kevin Spacey) while Kurt’s mentor dies and is replaced by his misfit/cokehead son Pellitt (Colin Farrell) and Dale is inundated with sexual advances by his employer Julia (Jennifer Aniston). After realizing they have no other employment prospects, the trio consider the idea of killing their bosses to make their lives much easier.

It would be a twisted and immoral tale if the same thought had not crossed the mind of anyone working under a soulless, money-hungry, or just plain inept superior. That is where Horrible Bosses succeeds the most in the cathartic pondering of “doing the world a favor” and wiping some ass off the planet while attempting to rationalize it. This concept would fall flat though if the “villains” (ie. the bosses) were just working stiffs trying to do the right thing but they are far from that.

I love me some Kevin Spacey and he is right at home in his role at the cut-throat top exec that is a chilling reminder of what Lester Burnham might have become in his later years. Aniston is pretty vile as the walking professional-workplace nightmare Julia and she plays it superbly between almost innocent and almost batshit crazy. Farrell takes the cake as the son of a successful businessman who would much rather invite strippers to his cocaine extravaganza instead of dealing with paperwork … during business hours of course.

The bulk of the story though focuses on Bateman, Sudekis, and Day as they scheme under the tutelage of “Motherfucker” Jones (Jamie Foxx) to stage the deaths as accidents. This being a comedy, all three are completely inept at the standard tasks of this type of tale including keeping a low-profile or reconnaissance. Of course, comedic mayhem ensues as the story unfolds in a largely unpredictable way as the trio try to dispatch their bosses with prejudice even with their incompetence standing in the way.

The main three of Bateman, Sudeikis, and Day are perfectly cast and fit their roles nicely. Nick is almost a carbon-copy of the straight-laced Michael Bluth from Arrested Development and I am totally fine with that as it is my favorite comedy series ever. Sudeikis (even in lesser roles) has a great sense of comedic timing and even Day was hilarious in his overly exuberant mannerisms. There is nothing of note that falls flat or awkwardly unfunny throughout the film. Most recent comedies are a “see-it-once-and-forget-it” affair but Horrible Bosses will stand out for years to come.

Rania Ajami’s  Asylum Seekers will arrive on DVD on August 30th. There is really only one way to describe this film: batshit crazy.

The simple synopsis of the film is as follows: 6 people who can be categorized as insane for some reason or another, seek asylum (ha) from the outside world that is ever increasing it’s focus on excess and more more more. They arrive at a mental health facility that is very lavish and promises to take care of their every need. However, so popular is this facility, there is only one bed left. Much like an Ivy League college, this facility will only accept the best of the best insane people. So how do you declare the best of the best? Why, have a competition of course. What ensues is a brightly colored, blatant parody of several things, including American Idol and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I will tell you this. This film is ambitious, well acted and even well directed. However. The film sucks.

The film loses itself in its own insanity. So much so, that it goes from entertaining absurdism,  to complete boring nonsense. I felt like the film had a point to make, but got so caught up in being nuts, that the point was abandoned being no longer relevant.

What pisses me off, is that there are some really decent performances. Daniel Irizarry is especially great as Dr. Raby, one of the potential patients. And the high level, over the top approach worked for a while, but then it just went too far and became almost unwatchable because it was too random. Even absurdism has a template it operates within. This where the similarities to Rocky Horror lie. Just, incredible, super over the top, gather a crowd and make your own dialogue foolishness.

That really is the film’s only fault. But it is a huge fault. Visually it is quite stunning and pleasing. The humor is more hit than miss. All of the actors are really absorbed into their roles. But, once it unravels, you lose the journey. It’s like an acid trip. You are in the moment, and have no idea what the hell happened 5 minutes ago. I get that this was probably done to simulate insanity for the viewer, but it was not successful.

Ultimately, it is a brave effort and I can say that it is worth a viewing. It is definitely entertaining and better than a lot of indie pics that are out there. Having the attention span of a ferret on crack will probably help.

I really don’t know what is more offensive, the characters in this movie, or the thought that someone found this entertaining enough to make a damn movie out of it in the first place.

I guess I should start this by saying this is not a movie that is really safe for work place environments. It’s chock full of tits. Seriously. You can’t make it through the opening credits without them being thrown in your face over and over again. And while I am a big fan of the upper halves of women’s bodies, it’s just too much. It almost feels strange to say that, but it’s true. This is how Pervert starts, and pretty much how it continues until the sad pitiful end.

Pervert is a story about a boy that goes to live with his father during summer vacation from his college. The dad apparently lives, almost literally, in the middle of nowhere. When the son arrives, he is greeted by dad’s new love interest. A rather well endowed woman named … who cares. So dad and Tits McGee are all about banging each other, naturally. As it is painfully shown on film, she is not easily satisfied by father and then starts to go after the son.

Skipping ahead a bit… Apparently the kid was cursed by a VooDoo witch. You see, he went to her to gain some charisma and be a bit smoother with the ladies, but she cursed him. As VooDoo witches are wont to do. What’s his curse you might ask? Well, apparently at night his dick jumps off his body and then rapes any woman within a 5 mile radius… to death. Yup.

Oh and did I mention that the father is bat shit crazy? Well, he is. He has “meat sculptures” in a shed on his farm. He takes meats like bacon, ground beef, chicken and sausages and forms them into a mold of the female form. It’s probably one of the worst attempts at a joke ever put to film.

Anyway, as you might have already guessed, this movie is atrocious. Russ Meyer and Roger Corman would be ashamed of this film. Sure, it’s got tits galore, plenty of blood, and enough terrible sexual innuendos and double entendres but it doesn’t matter when the entire package is utter bull shit. Also the claymation cock and balls (complete with face and all) running around killing women is straight out of “Better off Dead”. Seriously, I kept waiting for a cheeseburger singing a Van Halen song to pop up at some point.

This is the movie that actually got me thinking about doing this ongoing section of the site. So in that respect, I guess it’s great that it was made. But in EVERY OTHER FACET of it’s existence, it is garbage and not worth anyone’s time. Unless, I guess, you happen to be a eleventeen year old that doesn’t have the internet. Which… seems unlikely given this article is written on and displayed on said environment.

Republished with permission from 3SMOVRadio.com

Ninjas vs. Vampires is writer director Justin Timpane’s follow up to Ninjas vs. Zombies (which I have not seen). I must apologize to Mr. Timpane. While viewing this film, I sent Puck a text calling this film terrible. I rescind that. There are some terrible things in the film, but I now find that adjective to be not applicable to the film as a whole.

Aaron and Alex are hanging out late at night at what is sure to be an unsafe location. They have known each for years, and Alex considers Aaron to be her best friend. Aaron on the other hand, has stronger feelings and would like to be her boyfriend. He vocalizes this and is quickly shot down. To further ruin his night, the pair is suddenly attacked by vampires. Just when it appears a feeding is to occur, a group of ninjas appear and save them. “What the fuck?” you say? I assure you, I type the truth. The group is part actual ninjas, as they practice martial arts, but they are also some sort of X-Men type group in which each one has a special attribute. Kyle (Daniel Ross) can run really fast, Lily (Carla Okouchi) is a vampire but does not feed from humans, Ann (Melissa McConnell) practices magic. Then there is Cole (Cory Okouchi) who is the leader. Other than owning a comic book store and looking like Professor X, I am not sure what his special attribute is. There is some kind of plot involving an amulet, and the vampires wanting to create some new breed of undead and I think a war against humans. The plot is mostly irrelevant and just serves as the reason that ninjas and vampires must fight each other, and appear together in a film.

The comedy in this film is pretty dead on funny. Very funny lines, and best when delivered by Daniel Ross. There are some cheesy throw away lines, but this is a low budget film that is self aware, so even those work.  On the whole, the blend of comedy action and gore is rather well balanced and enjoyable.

The directing and editing were spot on as well. Timpane knows what he is doing and put his knowledge of the films he loves in to his film.  When you are watching a low budget picture you can usually tell where the sacrifices were made to stay within budget, and aside from the horrible CGI, nothing was so terrible that it screamed, “This is when we ran out of money!” And the CGI was bad. And there was a lot of it.

I don’t feel qualified to judge a fight sequence (which is unfortunate as there were a lot) because action films are not really something I gravitate to. However, there were some decent fights but, they usually ended with terrible CGI. They were entertaining enough, though.

One thing you will have to put up with is the constant references. Just to name a few: numerous comic books, Kevin Smith characters, the Karate Kid, Ghostbusters, endless mentions of vampires that sparkle, G.I. Joe. There are plenty more.

Before watching this film (and I do recommend it) keep in mind that the budget was $15,000. It doesn’t really look like the budget was that low, but it will help you lower your expectations a bit. The positives outweigh the negatives, and it is an entertaining 89 minutes. It’s just good fun.

2011 must be the year of the superhero. Or at least the year of the superhero that I couldn’t care less about. Nolan’s next Batman doesn’t come out until next year after all. But, I figured I would be remiss without catching at least a few of the genre’s offerings this year and what better place to start than with The Green Hornet, the 3D big-budget film that was released … in January? Weird.

Seth Rogen plays lovable slacker (seems like a stretch for him) Britt Reid, who is the playboy son of widower newspaper mogul, James Reid. His father is constantly disappointed due to his attention- and headline-grabbing antics. When his father dies, Britt meets Kaito (Jay Chou), a coffee-making car aficionado who worked for the family and commiserates with him about how much of a dick his father was. In a drunken act of rebellion, Britt and Kaito set off in bulletproof Chrysler Imperial to deface the recently erected statue of James Reid and foil a robbery nearby thanks to Kaito’s impressive martial arts skills. Britt then decides the two should team up and be superheroes.

While I know that the character of the Green Hornet is based on a 1930s radio program, I don’t know how faithful the script by Rogen and Evan Goldberg is to that concept. If it is faithful, then quite a few superhero tropes since have borrowed from the original radio show. If not, then Rogen and Goldberg were heavily influenced. Regardless, in a world with superhero movies running amuck, having Britt Reid sans parents, or working at a newspaper, or the Green Hornet well armed with super-cool gadgets seems derivative even if it was not originally.

One of the more redeeming qualities of the film was the characters’ self-awareness. Reid lays out rather concisely why they should pose as bad guys to avoid the wrath of the real bad guys like other heroes. And he gets help from the knowledgeable Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz) as how to ascend to the top-tier of the criminal element. Reid even acts as a publicist when the Hornet’s actions start causing defections from the crime syndicate. This does not sit well with the resident bad-ass Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz) who through a convoluted, yet somewhat predictable, turn has people near Reid who want him dead.

While the plot itself was not earth-shattering, it was enjoyable enough. Also quite entertaining was the film’s numerous action pieces, many set to classical music like the source material. Director Michel Gondry composes car chases, hand-to-hand combat, and shootouts like a pro even if his previous films do not seem in the same realm of filmmaking. Since I saw this on a poor man’s Blu-ray, the 3D stood out like a sore thumb (where does that saying even come from?) but was unimpressive unless you like bottle caps virtually hurled at you.

The cast was good but this is another vehicle for Seth Rogen (who slimmed down significantly for the role) to act childish but also to get into fights with just about everyone else in the movie. Perhaps that is where the screenwriters tried to break from the established superhero norm but having Britt be a baby and lashing out at his partner, his secretary, his father’s most trusted friend, et al. is not beneficial in establishing a likable character. Chou has some fancy moves but his character is more background to the Hornet even though he has 98% of the skills in the group. Waltz is always welcome even though his character popped in and out too much to be an effective villain. And Diaz … well, I’ve address her here.

As it is, Green Hornet will probably be one of the more forgettable tales of heroism this year but it was good enough to at least warrant a viewing. I would potentially be on board with a sequel, provided that we try something new next time.

After commenting on Twitter that I had seen and pretty much dug Bridesmaids, good ol’ Wifi Pirate from 3SMOVRadio attempted to clarify by asking if it was The Hangover for females. It is very Hangover-esque but featuring women, not necessarily just for them. As The Hangover was very reminiscent of previous movies by Judd Apatow, it seems fitting that this is one of his productions and directed by Paul Feig, one of the many people I love just for being involved with Arrested Development.

As you can probably guess, Bridesmaids centers around a wedding. The bride-to-be Lillian (Maya Rudolph) wants her lifelong friend Annie (Kristen Wiig) to be her maid of honor but Annie’s life is in shambles. She is broke after a failed business attempt and shares a small apartment with a quirky English brother and sister. She is also quite jaded from a recent breakup and probably should not be anywhere near the planning of a couple’s everlasting happiness. Yet, Annie puts on a happy face and endures even though her expression betrays her desire to yell profanities at all the happy couples throughout.

Lillian introduces the rest of the wedding party including the raunchy mother of three Rita (Wendi McLendon-Covey), the obnoxiously innocent Becca (Ellie Kemper), the improper and foul-mouthed Megan (Melissa McCarthy), and the controlling perfectionist Helen (Rose Byrne). As the five embark on what would normally be numerous scenes of gossiping or backstabbing in a typical female-biased comedy, there are many inspired moments of gross-outs and physical comedy galore. As such, this is far more satisfying, not to mention hilarious, than the title alone would have you think.

It’s no surprise that I don’t hold out a lot of hope for Hangover 2, so thus Bridesmaids may be the talked-about R-rated comedy of the year. It certainly strives for that title with the knowledge that infantile women and their bodily functions are just as funny as similarly plotted male characters. Yet, much like the best of the entries in this genre, the film is filled with characters who are wacky, yet still realistic which makes it much easier to connect with the story instead of just laughing at the obviously telegraphed portions.

The script from Wiig and Annie Mumolo does not fall into the trap of random sequences strung together for comedic effect or the typical tear-duct cleansing sessions of a normal romantic comedy. There are strong and well-developed characters, genuine character arcs especially with Annie and her romantic flings with Jon Hamm (!) and Chris O’Dowd, and a true sense of comradery between the women as they embark in their quest for the perfect wedding complete with brutal diarrhea or run-ins with an air marshal.

The biggest fault of the movie is its runtime at a hefty two hours and five minutes. Basically, there is no reason a normal comedy should run this long and neither of the two editors seemed to be able to craft a solid narrative out of the (admittedly very funny) interconnecting scenes. I guess then they just stitched it together as good as possible but that left a very uneven and plodding pace present with scenes that easily could have been excised. Considering the strength of the actors and the story itself though, I can almost excuse a bit too much moreso than not enough. In fact, Bridesmaids may be the best movie to bridge the gap between typical male and female movie tastes. That is definitely worth applause.

Sadly, I was late getting into MST3k when it was still around. In my area, we didn’t have Comedy Central until just before the show switched to Sci-Fi so the only option for Joel/Mike and the ‘bots was overly expensive VHS copies or one hour long segments at 2 AM on Saturdays. As such, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (henceforth referred to as whatever acronym I feel like) was an easy way to get your bad movie fix rife with sarcastic commentary. That is, until I realized that the movie is actually quite different from the show.

You should know about MST3k by now considering that we’ve had two previous posts about it, not to mention the dozens of other pages and wikis about the show. The long and short is that a man is trapped on an orbiting satellite just above Earth who is forced to watch bad movies to amuse his captors. Not content to suffer in silence, the first man, Joel, builds four robots, some to aid in the ship’s operation and others to make witty quips with him while watching the chosen horrendous films.

One of the most endearing qualities about a typical episode of the long running series was the reliance on rapid-succession jokes full of obscure references that only make sense after researching it. But, since this was designed to be a feature film to (I presume) increase the show’s exposure, the rifts were not as sophisticated or plentiful. It also helps (or hurts depending) that the film featured was not some DTV piece starring Joe Estevez but rather, the 1950s classic-for-the-time-period This Island Earth. This Island Earth is certainly cheesy with questionable special effects and performances that are mostly on par with other sci-fi movies from this time period but considering the depths of cinematic ineptitude this series has uncovered through the years, this one is Oscar worthy.

Mike (Joel’s replacement) and his robot pals have fun riffing the movie and most of their lines stand out as laugh-out-loud funny as opposed to the hit or miss barrage of jokes from the series. But I still feel a little cheated that a good portion of This Island Earth is excised which makes it look more vapid and nonsensical than the movie actually is. Also that the feature length film runs a good ten or fifteen minutes shorter than an average episode with seemingly longer host segments is almost inexcusable as well. Reportedly, there was a bit of animosity during the production with the almost certainly free-spirited MST3k folk battling corporate bigwigs. Perhaps that is the cause of the significant shift in execution or its truncated length but regardless, MST3k:TM is a much funnier and enjoyable time than your average Adam Sandler movie.

Wow, what a mind fuck that last picture was! It wasn’t Jason at all! In case you skipped that one (as you should), allow me to fill you in on the events of A New Beginning. As Tommy is “recovering” at Pinehurst, a halfway house type place that employs a similar set of rules as Pablo Escobar’s self built prison, the townsfolk are being murdered by an unknown killer. The killer makes his way to Pinehurst to kill all the people there as well. We finally get to see who it is, and it’s Jason! Right? No? Well, let’s see. He is wearing a hockey mask like Jason. But it has blue on it rather than red. Did he get a new one from a sporting good store? He certainly has the same M.O. as Jason. Killing everyone and having a special distaste for teenagers. But alas, it is not Jason. Tommy gets the better of him and kills him. His mask comes off and we see that it is Roy, one of the ambulance guys. Quite a shock, as every time Roy was on camera, he had the goofy facial expressions, and mysterious music played. Turns out Roy is the father of the kid that was axed to death at the beginning of the film. Whew! At least Jason is still dead. Right?

Jason Lives opens with Tommy (who now is a dead ringer for Michael Dudikoff circa American Ninja) and his friend determined to make sure. They have escaped from a mental institution and are headed to Jason’s grave. Tommy wants to cremate his body and send him to hell (be patient Tommy; you’re 3 sequels away from that). They get to his grave and open his coffin. By now, Jason is a badly decomposed corpse and a multi-family dwelling for worms and the like. Tommy, who is batshit crazy, stabs him numerous times with a metal rod, leaving the rod in his chest. A couple of lighting strikes and Jason is awake. Or is reanimated into a zombie. Whichever, he kills Tommy’s friend and Tommy drives to Crystal Lake to warn everyone that he is alive. Crystal Lake has been renamed Forest Green in an effort to separate the Jason legend from the town. Tommy goes to the Sheriff’s office and starts rambling about how he dug up Jason’s body and how he is coming after him and is immediately locked up to prevent him scaring the townsfolk. This would hardly be a proper sequel if there weren’t some camp counselors coming in to town to re open the camp. This time, however, it opens, and a bus load of kids actually make it to the camp (Nice job, parents. I don’t care if it does have a new name, there were still countless murders there). Jason walks his way back to the camp killing everyone in his path until he arrives.

Puck says that this is his favorite. While it is not mine, it is a pretty good installment. Jason Lives takes a different approach (not being crap). It realizes that the franchise has basically become a parody of itself, and runs with it. There is some genuinely good comedy in this, and it is well placed. The film is still “horror” when appropriate and the story is fairly interesting. Consistent with it’s predecessors, the acting is sub-par to mediocre, but it fits. This film strikes me as a product of a fan of the series that made a sequel with the intention of making it fun. It works.

I still say that it is retarded that people still inhabit this town let alone patronize the camp. I mean holy shit, there is a group of executive office workers playing paintball in the woods at Camp Blood. Really? And I don’t know about you, but I have a kid, and if I even remotely suspect that something dangerous might happen by letting her do something, she ain’t doing it. Why would any parent send their child to this camp?

Favorite kill: Folding the Sheriff in half. Although Nikki getting her face smashed in to the bathroom wall so hard you can see an impression of her face from the other side is a close second.

Also, Jason is a zombie. He may have been brought back to “life” by lightning, but he is shot several times (not in the brain!) and survives.

Ah, the restaurant industry. Definitely an excellent muse for a movie script. Rob McKittrick was working in a restaurant while he wrote Waiting… The result is an alarmingly accurate depiction of what it is like to work in the food service industry, with some exaggeration to try to appeal to those have never been gainfully employed in this vocation.

Honestly there really is not much of a plot. The film mostly takes place during one day at work at Shenaniganz, a casual dining restaurant. It’s like any other restaurant; filled with guests who can’t order steaks at proper delicious eating temperature, poor tippers, assholes that complain about everything. The only real continuous storyline involves Dean (Justin Long) who has been a server for 4 years. Much like many servers, he took the job as a temporary gig, while taking classes at community college, but somehow ends up there longer than planned. When his mother tells him of his former classmate Chet, who now has a Bachelor’s degree, Dean becomes a bit more disillusioned and questions his position in life. His friend, roommate and co-worker, Monty (Ryan Reynolds) has no qualms with being a server (and also a pervert who likes underage girls). Other than that, we wander through some hilarious, but sometimes a bit over the top dialogue, in a pretty competently directed film.

I should say, that I have worked in many a restaurant. Perhaps this is why the movie resonated with me. It really is damn accurate as to how it is to work in the industry. I should say, that I have never worked in a restaurant where there was a game that involves exposing male genitalia, and I have NEVER seen anyone mess with anyone’s food. However, as a guest, you should know, the latter is possible. The ultimate question is, can this film translate to someone who has never been there? I think it does. It helps that it has mostly established actors in it. If it were cast with complete unknowns, it may not. Ryan Reynolds definitely does his comedy Ryan Reynoldsey thing, but his character is like that so it works. In fact another character calls him out on it (“…your personality is one small punctuated joke after another.”). The film is full of vulgarity, alcohol and drug abuse. It really is like a sort of Animal House for servers.

Perhaps the funniest thing about a film like this, is how folks who have never worked in a restaurant may react to the events of the film. They have no idea what it’s like on the other side. The disdain for having to make the deserts. The hatred for having to sing “happy birthday” to a guest. The inability to understand the shitty attitude and tip one can receive no matter how good the service they provide. The inexplicable rudeness involved walking into a causal dining restaurant 5 minutes before it closes to sit down and eat as if you were in a Denny’s. What results is a seemingly thoughtless wacky comedy geared toward a specific demographic, but believe me, it is specifically pointed at all people who are inept at the unwritten rules of eating out. This is what makes it awesome. Sure it’s funny. But, be careful. It could be real.

This is a definite comfort movie. Just watch it. It’s funny.

Do you want to know why Adam Sandler saw fit to bring the world Grown Ups? I wish I knew for sure but I have an idea. Sandler, coming off of a career high, eh … fifteen years ago, needed a major hit to elevate his Hollywood status. In the midst of co-writing and producing this farce of a motion picture, he saw so many of his former SNL pals out of work so he shoved them into the script but paying close attention to strip out any and all elements of humor from the otherwise moderately talented cast. Do you want to know why I actually watched this piece of shit? So do I.

Honestly, I have never seen a movie so consistently unfunny and inept as Grown Ups. Well, not since seeing Stan Helsing that is. At least Helsing had the daintiest of plots. There is no plot here, merely an excuse for Sandler, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Chris Rock to get together, tell unfunny jokes, and laugh at each other. Watching the film, you can tell that the cast members had fun while making the movie. Why is it then that absolutely none of that came through on screen?

I really can’t fathom how hard it is to screw up a comedic movie this bad but somewhat competent director Dennis Dugan managed to do just that. Granted, I’m not a big fan of anyone in this movie but these characters are possibly the most offensively unfunny onscreen portrayals I’ve seen before. I might be a bit biased. But for a movie that runs in excess of an hour and a half, it produced not a single laugh, snicker, or chortle from me throughout its runtime. I have another theory for why this is. I imagine that a week before the release date, the final (and funnier) cut was on its way for distribution when a freak train derailment, tornado, or other act of God destroyed the only copy they had. Having to meet a deadline, the producers pieced together all of the detritus left on the cutting room floor to assemble the movie we have now. That is the only logical explanation I can come up with.

Far too much of the possible humor in the movie is ruined by the actors constantly laughing at each other. It’s like watching a group of improv actors bust into hysterics at something that wasn’t really that funny and unable to continue. This happens throughout the film. Also equally annoying is the reliance on a single joke and repeatedly bashing it on screen until it becomes pathetic. James’ wife, played by Maria Bello, is breastfeeding … wait for it … a 48 month old. That means he’s four! And way too old to still be breastfeeding! And Rob Schneider, a pretty horrific looking man here, has two incredibly attractive daughters who both make entrances to that damn Pina Colada song!

Sandler is basically playing himself and his kids are bratty and he’s married to the incredibly hot Salma Hayek! And he has a nanny and he doesn’t want anyone to know! Rock is normally a tough-talking wise-ass. Now he’s a stay-at-home, girl-scout-leading, Rachel-Ray-watching drama queen. James is married to Maria Bello even though he’s fat and unemployed! Schneider and Spade are just fucking annoying! The hysterics! And it isn’t even as though these characters are perpetually stuck in childhood like the title might suggest. They aren’t immature, they are just really fucking stupid.

I feel like I’m not really giving much detail to why this movie sucks so bad but trust me, this is a good thing. This is a film that plays things safe, even if safe condemns it to being really awful. All the characters act in exactly the way you would think them to from seeing the poster art. All of the lame jokes can be seen coming a mile away. There is a heartfelt moment at the end when everyone confesses some dark secret to their friends (it really is a nanny, shh!) followed by a triumphant basketball game to teach all of the characters a lesson in life.

Even more irritating though is the fact that this has a somewhat decent rating on IMDb and even Roger Ebert gave it faint praise in his review. Granted, this is the man that also gave Fight Club two stars but I’d be willing to forgive that oversight more than this. All told, I cannot in good conscience recommend Grown Ups to pregnant mothers, children under the age of 10, or anyone with even a modicum of humor in their body.