October may be over but sadly I still have a few more of these movies to suffer through. After watching Halloween: Resurrection, I began to yearn for the unoriginal simplicity of H20 or the complete and utter nonsense of Parts 5 and 6. Resurrection is the worst type of horror movie: it offers nothing of value to the franchise or the genre as a whole and it all around sucks complete ass. This movie (among others no doubt) is why horror films are seen as cheap, disposable, and worthless. In fact, there aren’t any better adjectives to describe this monstrosity.

The first ever free pass I received for a movie was for this one courtesy of a local defunct radio station. Shame on them. In fairness, I was almost excited about a new entry in the Michael Myers saga since my tastes weren’t refined enough to recognize H20 as the derivative mess it is. Yet, as I sat in a theater with hundreds of other free ticket winners, I began to see the error in my ways. Where the previous Halloween sequels can be attributed to studio perseverance for a quick money grab, at least they at least tried to tie in with the rest of the movies (Halloween III not withstanding). I cannot levy any such admiration to this piece.

The pretty conclusive ending of the last film is explained away in awkward exposition that Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis; only in the film for fifteen minutes!) actually killed a paramedic who Michael dressed up like himself. As such, Laurie has been checked into a nuthouse where she sits comatose taking pills and staring out a window. Except for the night that He comes. And by He, I don’t mean Jesus. Laurie is made dead through stupid actions of her own and Michael walks away to his creepy theme music. Logically, since Michael has ALWAYS gone after family, you’d think he’d be gunning for John, Laurie’s son from H20. Josh Harnett was probably too busy to degrade himself with crap like this so that’s a no go.

Instead, we are introduced to Freddie Harris (Busta Rhymes) from ‘Dangertainment’ who ropes in a half-dozen dumb-shit college kids to peruse around the Myers’ house (the traditional Myers’ house that is) on Halloween for a live broadcast on the web. There’s a free-spirit chick, a wild-and-crazy chick, the bad-boy, the Rookie-of-the-year, and the final girl. Let’s just say that most meet their demise at the hands of Michael’s rage since they are … squatting in his house? The hell?

I gave Halloween III the crap category but I almost feel bad about that now. Perhaps there should be different tiers of crap: Tier 1 is almost passable like H3; Tier 4 or so would be where Halloween: Resurrection falls. There is absolutely nothing in this film that can change my mind. From the thoughtless shift from killing family to protecting property(?), to the wretched characters who fail to stick out in any way other than annoying and soon to be dead, to the abundance of Busta Rhymes, this film would probably take itself to the barn and shoot itself if it could. Even director Rick Rosenthal (of the not good, but nowhere near as bad H2) can inject anything of note into the painfully long runtime that cannot be seen in any bargain-bin horror film with a masked killer.

Even the fact that Michael Myers is so watered down in this installment is abundantly clear as he simply walks away after being chastised by Freddie who thinks he is just a random tech hand. The Michael Myers of old would have cut that sucker into a few dozen pieces before but maybe old age has gotten to him as he simply turns around and walks away. And good for us! Otherwise we wouldn’t be treated to Rhymes’ frequent utterances of “damn” and “fuck” and not to mention “Trick or Treat Motherfucker!” As a side note, it pissed me off the most that it cannot keep with the simple aspects of the series such as the always present rain on Halloween Eve. With the exception of H3, all other Myers-based Halloween films have rain on October 30th but apparently I as a 12-year-old was able to pick up on trends better than anyone involved here.

Maybe there was supposed to be some social commentary on the emerging trend of reality television but that was clearly not on the forefront of the production. If anything, we learned that Myers is probably not on a rampage because of a lack of protein or lack of sex but more likely due to a lack of not-dumbshit people surrounding him. Everyone in this movie deserved to die and maybe the character of Myers was simply trying to stop the audience from enduring any more of these films. I guess he didn’t take into account Rob Zombie. Damn!

Despite seeing all the other movies in the franchise multiple times, I had never seen the Friday the 13th: A New Beginning of the Halloween series, Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Sure, I could deny that is because Michael Myers is absent in this installment but that would not be exactly accurate. Yet, over the years I have heard time and time again that this film would have a much better reputation if it did not have Halloween in the title. That may in fact be true. But it is still a shitty movie.

I cannot fault the filmmakers for jettisoning the lone silent, stalking killer after Halloween II. For starters, that was not really a great film to begin with and the Michael Myers story had come to a pretty conclusive ending. Even taking the Halloween title and shifting it to other stories of the season would have been a neat idea if the first attempt did not turn out as poor as this one did. Perhaps producer John Carpenter was trying his hand at crafting lackluster films that he would perfect a decade or so later. Or maybe Carpenter just slapped his name onto this as a quick money grab. Either way, the real culprit here is not Conal Cochran (Dan O’Herlihy), a man who wants to destroy the wholesome fun of Halloween but writer and director Tommy Lee Wallace.

The start of the story is actually decent beginning with Harry Grimbridge desperately running from silent and well-dressed killers while clutching a pumpkin mask. After a close call or two, Grimbridge escapes and winds up in a hospital under the care of Dr. Dan Challis (Tom Atkins). One of the well-dressed men enters the hospital and kills Grimbridge before fleeing from Challis and setting himself ablaze in his car. Challis is approached by Grimbridge’s daughter Ellie (Stacey Nelkin) who has suspicions about her father’s murder (you think?) and the two head off to Santa Mira, home of the Silver Shamrock novelty company headed by Cochran. The fantastical plot elements start withering away at my enjoyment as Challis and Ellie poke around the town, encounter some colorful locals, even more colorful visitors and the Old Man himself before he made his way up at OCP.

As I said, I had hopes for this towards the beginning in spite of the distinct lack of a notable modern monster. There were enough chase scenes and creepy encounters and music stings as the suited men dramatically enter the frame to keep me engaged for a bit. Yet, I can fully appreciate and agree with the #halloween3sucks hashtag that PBF used while watching this last year. I trust you all know of the magical way that we buy into movies, even ridiculous movies through our “suspension of disbelief.” I’m not sure what the opposite of that would be called but whatever it is, this movie has it in spades.

I could not get over just how ridiculous everything after the half-hour point or so was. Challis (a doctor, not a cop) has a strange encounter with a dead patient and a “flamer,” meets up with some chick and all of the sudden they are on the road to investigate. And then they’re shagging in the hotel room. And then they’re just staying in the hotel room instead of … well, investigating. And they don’t really seem to question the strange and almost abandoned town, the curfew, or the fact that a woman with her face blasted off is taken to a toy factory, not a hospital or even a damn veterinarian. Even though Atkins has more charisma than I do in my entire existence, these dumb-as-rocks characters only exist to provide me something to do while watching this film such as shaking my head in disbelief or gawking at the absurdity of it all.

Even worse though is the character of Cochran. He gives a fairly detailed explanation to a restrained and masked Atkins why he wishes to turn the heads of little trick-r-treaters into worms and snakes but … to be honest I wasn’t really paying attention. But what kind of business model does this man have? He spends his entire life amassing great wealth through novelty items like sticky toilet paper (someone get on this!) or wind-up whatevers for this sole purpose? Or was he really trying to just steal a piece of Stonehenge and that just happened to come about thereafter? His business practices aside, Cochran is worse than every Bond villain combined as he guides a leisurely stroll through the bowels of his factory to Challis saying things like “You’ll figure it out soon enough” before explaining every damn thing?

I really cannot imagine the purpose of this film. Is it a form of social commentary on evil businessmen and how they will do anything to get a buck? Or is it to speak on the silliness of kids dressing up and getting candy on a day traditionally tied to the slaughter of livestock for winter survival? Or is it simply to churn out something, anything, with the Halloween name on it to cash in on unsuspecting theater patrons? I don’t know and I really could care less. Even with PBF’s disdain for this film, I was hoping it would at least continue the series’ result of entertaining me. While admittedly this film did, it was assuredly for the wrong reasons.

I typically see a lot of movies with my kids that I don’t review here. That’s not entirely out of laziness but more due to being uncomfortable critiquing something that was not necessarily designed for me. At some point for everyone though, you must step out of your comfort zone and do the right thing. For me, that point was taking my 4-year-old to see The Smurfs and hating it so badly that I must ward off any reasonable human being from seeing it. I’m not quite sure what irritates me the most: that I paid $15 for the two of us to see it, that it literally felt like the longest 90 minutes ever, or that I just indirectly contributed to the already announced sequel.

Much like a good chunk of our readership (at least I assume), The Smurfs were one of those childhood staples that were always around, whether on TV, on the racks of the video store, or on the shelves at the local Toys’R'us. Truth be told though, I could’ve cared less about a Smurfs movie because it was going to happen anyway and I wasn’t going to lose any sleep over “ruining” something I can barely remember from twenty years ago. Yet, those responsible for this pile of cinematic detritus created a farce so abysmally bad that I would crap on it regardless if it was a remake, a reboot, or an entirely original idea (if those exist anymore).

Things start fine with the blue-skinned, white pants-wearing Smurfs doing whatever their individual job entails whether that is fixing things, angrily commenting, or being uncoordinated. After Clumsy leads Gargamel to the village, the smurfs run for the hills while a few including Papa Smurf and Smurfette instead get consumed by a wormhole which transports them to New York City. Gargamel and Azrael follow so that Gargamel can extract the Smurf magic but is thwarted by the little blue things and Neil Patrick Harris. God, it hurts to recall these scant details.

Even though it has been out a few weeks, the showing my daughter and I attended was fairly full with families and kids. Yet, other than the movie, the only discernible noise from the audience was the creaking reclining chairs and the few who shuffled out of the theater early and did not return. I hope they snuck into a better movie. For a kid, this film will do just fine even though it lacks anything at all remarkable. I bet if you ask a patron under the age of 5 what their favorite part was, they’d merely say “the whole thing!” as there is little here to bother recalling after the credits roll.

As an adult, this was one of the most painful movies I’ve watched recently. Neil Patrick Harris has a few somewhat entertaining moments, Jayma Mays as his wife is dull and inconsequential, and the human-side of the story about Harris’ character worrying about his job and accepting his future as a father-to-be is overwrought and just simply boring. I feel I cannot lay too much blame on director Raja Gosnell as this was likely designed as a soulless cash grab from day one regardless of who was writing or directing it. Rather than plunking out an ungodly amount of money to see this movie, buy your kids some marbles or socks instead. They will thank you in the long run.

I will admit that I did not have entirely good expectations going into this one. Our own #pbf referred to this as garbage, and he has not seen THE third film in this series. I had seen a few positive reviews for THE Final Destination though so I figured maybe it was an acquired taste, much like Mountain Dew: Live Wire. Oh, dear God was I wrong. So, so wrong … I knew in THE first ten minutes of this film that it would be given THE “honorable” crap category. THE other seventy minutes were merely confirmation that I can judge a stupid movie by its even stupider fucking cover.

At this point in THE series, Final Destination has merely transformed into a Mad Libs for “horror” films. ________ (Proper Noun) has a vision of ________ (horrible event) before it happens. He/She manages to extract ________ (number) people from THE disaster before it happens. ________ (Proper Noun that rhymes with Seth) comes after them all in ridiculously over-THE-top ways. Roll credits. It is bad enough when there is no shock or surprise in a movie. It is another when that movie seems to exist solely to show you how much THE human race sucks.

I must formally apologize to James Wong and Glen Morgan for criticizing FD3. After all, they created characters as deep as the ocean floor compared to this movie. I honestly cannot remember any of the character’s names, not because I didn’t hear them enough, but I just did not give a damn. I liked that the first film took a while to get the to big disaster. The second and third films were not as in depth but it was still grounding to see our characters in normal life before (Proper Noun that rhymes with Seth) comes knocking at their door. This movie though has the big foreseen disaster before the opening credits! What the ________ (Word that rhymes with duck)!

Considering that this was the shortest film in the series thus far, with probably as many kills mind you, regular movie goers likely thought they were in for a treat when Death’s vengeance came roaring back again and again with little time between. Since I’ve suffered through all of these movies in three days (for you, dammit!), I felt like I was watching a Faces of Death video with mindless, stupidly staged kills back-to-back-to-back. It’s bad enough that a few of the deaths were recycled from the earlier movies but the fact that everything was so rapid leaves no time or reason to contemplate on what has just happened. Literally, one character is mowed-over by a vehicle and the other character in the scene simply turns around and moves on. Compare that to Terri in the original when she was hit by a bus out of nowhere that I was floored by. No time for such nonsense here.

I would assume that this moderately budgeted movie had to trim some fat to make up for the spectacular 3D graphics. Of course, I watched this on DVD on my regular folk TV so the 3D was nonexistent. The main character’s visions of the upcoming deaths though were rendered in fantastic graphics that I have not seen since the age of PSOne. Literally, a snake or nail or whatever coming at your face looks just as real as Final Fantasy 7. Since the effects were so pricey, gone are any decent, or even marginal, actors. Instead, we get a bunch of nice-looking 20-somethings who couldn’t act their way out of an iCarly lunchbox. But, their role is merely to die in horrible, yet laudable, ways so perhaps that is what the filmmakers were going for.

Yet, I cannot believe that David R. Ellis, director of the comparably Shakespearean FD2, would sign on to such crap. Every man needs a meal ticket and I guess this was his. I am fully willing to accept a horror movie with shit actors, shit characters, and shit effects. But I was not quite expecting that from this admittedly mediocre series as it plays like the straight-to-video version of a Final Destination sequel, complete with one (1!) reputable actor in Mykelti Williamson. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this film.

Strangers Online is excruciating. Watching it is like watching one of those Cinemax movies that come on at 2am, but actually trying to care for and follow the plot. Yes, this film should be nestled right between Sex Games: Vegas and The Bare Wench Project.

Much like my relationship with this film, Hollis Parker (Noel Palomaria) is trying to forget the memory and stop the nightmares of when his wife was murdered 4 years ago. Currently, he hosts a web show called Strangers Online. Guests call via their web cams for sexual and relationship advice, to show their bodies, or sometimes just to be plain weird. Hollis’s show is quite popular, as is he. Hollis is in therapy, as he is guilt ridden over not being able to protect his wife from being murdered. This is what leads to his nightmares. He lives in seclusion with his girlfriend, Laura (Eva Frajko). A new intern, Karen (Tara Killian) has quite a crush on Hollis, which develops into an unhealthy obsession. Laura also appears to have someone obsessing over her as well, and things just get completely boring from there.

This is just terrible. It is so incredibly boring. The funny thing is, it so boring that when a sex scene occurs, you are kind of jarred. If this were a porno, then the alternating scenes of uselessness and sex would make sense. But since this a terribly lifeless “erotic thriller,” it’s kind of like driving down a long highway staring at miles of trees, then seeing a field of cows. You get all excited at first because it’s not trees, but then you are like, “Ah who cares, it’s just cows.”

The audio was quite inconsistent. A lot of times you  can’t hear the actors, sometimes you can hear them very well. You can always hear the terrible music, however.

This film is also a liar by way of its categorization. It is nether erotic nor thrilling.  It just kind of sits there and presents random scenes of little to no interest, much like a screen saver that is a slideshow of someone else’s photo album.

There really is not much to say about this film. It’s not funny, not suspenseful, not erotic, not thought provoking and it does not contribute anything to American Cinema. So, there you go. It’s crap.

In yet another porn to mainstream transition, adult film star Alexis Texas stars in Bloodlust Zombies. This film is sort of a piss poor combination of Office Space and Zombieland. And porno. It arrives on DVD on July 5th.

So there is this office building. In the building there is a lab where some kind of chemical is being developed and tested. At the beginning of the film, all we know about it is that it seems to make house cats insane. The boss and Andrea (Texas) are having sex when they accidentally tun the office intercom system on. The entire building can hear the fornication and react by laughing and/or mimicking sexual positions. Why, even the serious minded lab workers join in the fun and accidentally cause a spill. Someone gets bitten by an insane house cat test subject and BAM! There’s your outbreak. So, to be more factual, these would be blood lust infected, not zombies. It is later explained that the chemical was actually designed to be used in wars as a biochemical weapon. The intent was to administer it to our enemies, and they would become infected and kill each other. As a result of the spill, the building immediately goes on lock down; electronic door locks do not work, main power goes out. This goes on for a 25 minute period. During this 25 minutes, the nerdy scientist office workers turn into some kind of zombie dispatching commando unit, hurling bullets and bad jokes all over the place.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Hey. I like Office Space. I like Zombieland. I like porno. Surely the melding of these concepts would go together like a delicious sub sandwich that was just invented in a test kitchen.” Fucking incorrect.

There just isn’t much in this film that is very good. Not even the nudity is enough to make anyone care. The acting is excruciating. The comedy is not funny. The effects are weak at best. I didn’t care about one person in this thing, so it didn’t matter who lived or died. There is a security guard who is apparently related to Dante Hicks as he keeps repeating how he isn’t supposed to be there today. Even the music gets tired and annoying. There is a hand print on my forehead as I pretty much spent the entire film watching it with my head in my hand.

The one (and I mean one) thing that I liked was the idea of the zombie (infected) apocalypse being confined to one place where no one could escape. But all the boring bad comedians I had to deal with completely ruined that.

As you well know, we here at Movie Scum embrace the indie movie. There are some great pictures that were made on the flimsiest of budgets. You should run from this film. Run like it’s the infected.

Holy shit! Did you see what happened at the end of Jason Goes to Hell (if you managed to sit through the whole thing)?! Freddy Kruger’s arm came out of the ground and took Jason’s mask to…hell? Wait, is Freddy in hell? I guess that makes sense. I mean he certainly would not be in heaven. But how does Freddy know about Jason? Is there news in dreamworld or hell? Did one of his victims get wind of the Crystal Lake murders and dream about it? How am I expected to keep track of all of this?! At least Jason X will answer these questions. Oh, wait. No it won’t. See, Freddy pulled Jason in to development hell. Somehow he managed to escape long enough to travel in to the future and appear in Jason X.

But what happened last episode? Well, Jason killed his half sister Diana. He tried his damnedest to posses his niece Jessica so he could be reborn, but could not. Instead, his heart, morphed in to some weird baby looking creature crawled in to dead Diana’s vagina. Reborn! Then he was quickly killed by Jessica who stabbed him with a mystical dagger supplied by a bounty hunter who somehow knows all about Jason yet failed to show up in 8 previous films. All the souls of the dead people he killed fly up to the sky and Jason is pulled to hell. At the very end, Freddy Kruger’s clawed arm grabs his hockey mask, and a Freddy cackle is heard as it disappears (presumably to hell). Did they become friends? Enemies? Well I assume all was hunky dory for Jason, since there is a Jason X, which takes place hundreds of years after. Kind of a spoiler for Freddy vs. Jason, huh?

Have I used the word “fuckery” in this series of reviews yet? I can honestly say that this is perhaps the dumbest movie I have ever seen. And I have seen Flesh Freaks. I formally announce my apology to A New Beginning for claiming it is the worst film in this franchise. It clearly is not.

It is now 2008. Jason is alive, and being held at the Crystal Lake Research Facility. Right, because there is sooooo much to research there besides Jason. A Dr. Wimmer (David Cronenberg, wtf?) wants to move him to the Scranton facility (again, wtf? how much is there to research at this camp?) much to the dismay of Rowan. Wimmer wants to study Jason’s ability to regenerate (well that stupidly answers some questions), while Rowan just wants to put Jason in a cryogenic suspension. Jason somehow breaks free of his restraints, lays waste to the place, but Rowan avoids his clutches. She manages to get him into a cryogenic chamber, bit he stabs her through the door (nice machete) and they both get frozen. Then, it is the year 2455. Some students on  a field trip to Earth (which is no longer inhabitable, but don’t worry, there is an Earth II) visit the research facility. They find Jason and Rowan, but (of course) no one has any clue who Jason is. They are just fascinated by his hockey mask, what with hockey being outlawed in 2044. They take the bodies to their spaceship (typing that made me puke) to examine. They are able to reanimate Rowan, but not Jason. Professor Lowe, who apparently owes someone some space money, realizes that he has a valuable commodity; Jason Voorhees. Therefore, once Jason comes back to life, Lowe does not want him dead. A manhunt then ensues for Jason. Then death, death, death.

I don’t think I have enough cleverness in me to adequately make fun of this film. It is just piss poor. There is nothing Friday the Thirteenth about it, it is poorly acted, the special effects suck. There is nothing worthwhile in the film, possibly excluding my favorite kill.

Part of the reason why I like this franchise is because of the story. Indeed, the Jason story is quite interesting and even the ideas for most of the sequels are, despite the quality of their execution. But Jason X just fucking blows. The story is not further improved by this chapter in any way, in fact it is quite insulted. There is just no reason for this film to exist. And Cunningham should have billed himself as Smithee.

Favorite kill: Same as everyone else’s; Jason puts Adrienne’s head in liquid nitrogen (hey how did he know that’s what that was?)thus freezing it, and smashes it.

Jason Takes Manhattan just filled my head with all sorts of new questions. The most obvious one being, “Why does this film exist?” But also, did I really just watch Rennie get chased by two Jasons? Rennie, the main protagonist of part VIII (or not) had never been able to swim. When she was a young girl, her uncle took her out in a boat on Crystal Lake many times to try and teach hear, but she was always too afraid (of swimming, but I guess she was fine with the Jason legend that she was floating on top of). During one of these attempts, her uncle pushes her in the water to force her to learn. A young (and surprisingly clean looking) Jason tries to pull her under and drown her, but she survives. Unless it was in her mind. Which it may have been becausee the body of Jason was never recovered. So why would he still be in the lake? Either way, she is plagued by visions of the young boy that tried to drown her while on the trip to Manhattan. Then the real Jason shows up (whom she obviously does not recognize, him being a decomposed adult now) and chases her in the the sewers of New York. As luck would have it, the sewers flood with toxic waste every night at midnight. Jason drowns (!) in this waste, and as it washes away, we see that he has turned back in to the young boy of Rennie’s visions. Unless that was in her mind. Which it may have been.

Congratulations, Jason Goes to Hell. You have just replaced A New Beginning as the worst Jason film (so far). This is ironic, because it addresses almost every complaint or concern I have mentioned about the previous films. But you went too far, movie.

So, the film opens with a woman driving to Crystal Lake to her cabin. There is no group of teenagers or counselors, just this young woman. We have a couple of jump scares and she gets naked, ready for a bath. Another jump scare or two and suddenly she is being chased by Jason. As they are running, dozens of lights are turned on and dozen of armed FBI agents have Jason surrounded. This will be the scene of his “death” (much like Brenda’s in part 1). He is first shot right in the head (yes! zombie theory about to be proven!), then just unloaded on (fuck  you!). He is shot hundreds of times and eventually blown to pieces, his heart even blown out of his chest. He is gathered up and taken to the Federal Morgue in Ohio. As the coroner is performing the autopsy, Jason’s heart starts beating. Then the coroner eats it. Yeah, that’s right. I would say that it came out of nowhere, but there were about two seconds of “acting” that I assume was supposed to suggest the heart spoke to or hypnotized the coroner. The coroner, now possessed by Jason, escapes, killing some folks before leaving. The TV show American Casefiles then reports that a string of “Jason-like” murders from Ohio going toward Crystal Lake (which is apparently in New Jersey) are occurring. A bounty hunter, Creighton Duke (Steven Williams) is convinced that Jason is in fact alive, and furthermore, claims that he is the only one to know how to stop him. Jason can only be born through a Voorhees and can only be killed by a Voorhees. We learn that Jason is on his way back to Crystal Lake to pay some folks (that we never knew about) a visit: his half-sister Diana, her daughter and Jason’s niece Jessica, and Jessica’s new baby Stephanie. That is so 1988. Because Jason cannot survive in non Voorhees host bodies long, he must jump from one body to another. This is accomplished by his heart taking the form of a snake and sliding into the orifice of another person. And there you have it: the ninth Jason picture.

So the Crystal Lake killings finally get federal attention. And only 37 years after the first camp counselors were killed (this film supposedly takes place in 1995)! This is great! Oh, wait. On American Casefiles, the host says that for years the mention of Jason’s name would send shivers up people’s spines. Oh really? In what fucking sequel did that take place?! Because there sure was a lot of talking about Jason, but no one had any problems fucking at the site of his death! Also on American Casefiles, Duke makes an appearance on the episode that the host reports the deaths of two guards and a coroner where Jason’s body was taken. When Duke arrives at Crystal Lake to warn them, everyone knows who he is. YET NO ONE BELIEVES JASON IS ALIVE. Help me understand this. Any person who doubted his existence was surely proven wrong after the FBI blew him up for murdering a confirmed 83 people. Then, “Jason-esque murders” start occurring, beginning at the Federal Morgue and moving on down a Family Circus like dotted path to Crystal Lake. And they see this on TV. THIS IS A NATIONAL NEWS STORY. THERE IS NO EXCUSE WHY ANYONE IN ANY JASON FILM DOES NOT BELIEVE HE WOULD BE ALIVE ANYMORE. Oh, but then where would the conflict be? Well I will tell you, and you almost got it right. As much as I hate the jumping from body to body plot line, it’s a great device.  Even if people believed that Jason was out there again, no one would see him coming because he is constantly in host bodies. So why not just let everyone believe he exists and kill that plot hole please?  People could even try to get out of town (but let’s be honest, they wouldn’t) and be killed by their friends because everyone is trying to avoid a killer in a hockey mask.

So, most of my demands were delivered with this sequel. We definitely had characters with stronger connections to Jason and Crystal Lake. It sure was more different than say, just a locale change. Finally, as contradictory as it is this late in the franchise, the killings get national attention. But what a garbage way to deliver it. This film is repulsive. It turned a half decent story about a drowned little boy and his vengeful mother into a supernatural continuity error. That reminds me of something…

Favorite kill: Truth be told, Jason’s death was bad ass. The one at the beginning, not that stupid one at the end.

Wow. That last film was exciting, wasn’t it? We got to see Crispin Glover dance. We met the Jarvis family, who live in Crystal Lake. I guess the Jarvis family is like the really old couple from disaster films that refuse to leave their town no matter what danger might threaten them. We met Rob, the hunk that breezed into town to avenge his sister’s death. Most importantly, we saw twelve-year-old Tommy Jarvis give himself an incredibly bad haircut and then hack Jason up with a machete. At the end of the film, as he embraces his sister, he looks at the camera and give us a look that may imply that he is now mentally disturbed, and may possibly hack someone else up. Although I don’t think Tommy would snap that quickly after the events of the film, I did like the cliffhanger implication that Tommy might kill as well. Also, Jason must be dead. He has to be. I mean, Tommy was like Vince with that Slap-Chop, minus that headset. I think I did hear Tommy say, “You’re gonna love my nuts,” while killing Jason, though.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning opens with Tommy, who is apparently now 15 (which would make it now 1987), having a dream about Jason. The dream startles him awake and we find him in the back of a van. He is taken to Pinehurst which quite possibly is the best mental health facility/halfway house on the planet. For you see, it is in the woods (an excuse to be in familiar scenery without being in Crystal Lake) and operates on the honor system. There are no locked doors, no staff of people to prevent you from leaving or acting out. There is only Pam, the assistant director, Dr. Matthew Letter who runs the joint, and a cook. All the “patients” help out by doing work like laundry and chopping wood. This is the precise setting you would want a troubled boy who killed someone in self defense to be taken to heal. It is unclear why any of the other residents are there. It is also unclear where exactly this place is. Right away, one of the residents kills another with an axe which does not do much for Tommy’s problems. He is haunted by dreams and both aural and visual hallucinations of Jason. After this murder, the townspeople start getting murdered, also. Eventually, the unknown assailant makes his way to Pinehurst and begins taking care of business there. Who is this mysterious murder? Jason? Tommy? Some other dickhead? How long must we be in the dark?!

This movie is a piece of crap. First of all, no. No. A facility like this cannot, nay, must not exist. Secondly, this movie feels weirdly detached from the entire rest of the franchise thus far. Which is funny because all the same elements are there; in the woods, cars that die, rain, naked teenagers. But even with all that and the inclusion of Tommy, it is just not the same as the rest.

I gripe about this film all the time, but honestly I do like some things. I like the attempt to keep the series going, but with Tommy, even though it wasn’t the way I though it would go after the end of part 4. That was a bold decision to make, and a challenge. I just think it was too ambitious for the filmmakers assigned to the task.

This film also did an interesting thing where we would meet certain characters and we were sort of led to believe that they may have a motive to be the killer. However at some point, this was abandoned. All those people just became the same as anyone else; we barely get to know much about them and they are killed off before we ever give a shit about them.

Possibly the most hilarious thing in this film are the deaths toward the end of the film. As per usual, we are walked through a number violent deaths. As the film draws to a close, the bodies of the rest of the characters are either hurled on screen or found at random spots as the surviving characters are trying to escape. It’s sort of like, “Oh by the way, for continuity or body count sake, here are all these other cadavers. Please take note.”

So, yes, it gets the crap category. It cannot be helped. The film is a giant fail and lacks any tension, decent acting, horror and even at some points writing that even makes sense. Favorite kill: decapitation while riding a motorcycle. Partly because of the awesomeness and partly because of the death of a fucking annoying character.

Do you want to know why Adam Sandler saw fit to bring the world Grown Ups? I wish I knew for sure but I have an idea. Sandler, coming off of a career high, eh … fifteen years ago, needed a major hit to elevate his Hollywood status. In the midst of co-writing and producing this farce of a motion picture, he saw so many of his former SNL pals out of work so he shoved them into the script but paying close attention to strip out any and all elements of humor from the otherwise moderately talented cast. Do you want to know why I actually watched this piece of shit? So do I.

Honestly, I have never seen a movie so consistently unfunny and inept as Grown Ups. Well, not since seeing Stan Helsing that is. At least Helsing had the daintiest of plots. There is no plot here, merely an excuse for Sandler, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Chris Rock to get together, tell unfunny jokes, and laugh at each other. Watching the film, you can tell that the cast members had fun while making the movie. Why is it then that absolutely none of that came through on screen?

I really can’t fathom how hard it is to screw up a comedic movie this bad but somewhat competent director Dennis Dugan managed to do just that. Granted, I’m not a big fan of anyone in this movie but these characters are possibly the most offensively unfunny onscreen portrayals I’ve seen before. I might be a bit biased. But for a movie that runs in excess of an hour and a half, it produced not a single laugh, snicker, or chortle from me throughout its runtime. I have another theory for why this is. I imagine that a week before the release date, the final (and funnier) cut was on its way for distribution when a freak train derailment, tornado, or other act of God destroyed the only copy they had. Having to meet a deadline, the producers pieced together all of the detritus left on the cutting room floor to assemble the movie we have now. That is the only logical explanation I can come up with.

Far too much of the possible humor in the movie is ruined by the actors constantly laughing at each other. It’s like watching a group of improv actors bust into hysterics at something that wasn’t really that funny and unable to continue. This happens throughout the film. Also equally annoying is the reliance on a single joke and repeatedly bashing it on screen until it becomes pathetic. James’ wife, played by Maria Bello, is breastfeeding … wait for it … a 48 month old. That means he’s four! And way too old to still be breastfeeding! And Rob Schneider, a pretty horrific looking man here, has two incredibly attractive daughters who both make entrances to that damn Pina Colada song!

Sandler is basically playing himself and his kids are bratty and he’s married to the incredibly hot Salma Hayek! And he has a nanny and he doesn’t want anyone to know! Rock is normally a tough-talking wise-ass. Now he’s a stay-at-home, girl-scout-leading, Rachel-Ray-watching drama queen. James is married to Maria Bello even though he’s fat and unemployed! Schneider and Spade are just fucking annoying! The hysterics! And it isn’t even as though these characters are perpetually stuck in childhood like the title might suggest. They aren’t immature, they are just really fucking stupid.

I feel like I’m not really giving much detail to why this movie sucks so bad but trust me, this is a good thing. This is a film that plays things safe, even if safe condemns it to being really awful. All the characters act in exactly the way you would think them to from seeing the poster art. All of the lame jokes can be seen coming a mile away. There is a heartfelt moment at the end when everyone confesses some dark secret to their friends (it really is a nanny, shh!) followed by a triumphant basketball game to teach all of the characters a lesson in life.

Even more irritating though is the fact that this has a somewhat decent rating on IMDb and even Roger Ebert gave it faint praise in his review. Granted, this is the man that also gave Fight Club two stars but I’d be willing to forgive that oversight more than this. All told, I cannot in good conscience recommend Grown Ups to pregnant mothers, children under the age of 10, or anyone with even a modicum of humor in their body.