Much like a good chunk of our readership (at least I assume), The Smurfs were one of those childhood staples that were always around, whether on TV, on the racks of the video store, or on the shelves at the local Toys’R'us. Truth be told though, I could’ve cared less about a Smurfs movie because it was going to happen anyway and I wasn’t going to lose any sleep over “ruining” something I can barely remember from twenty years ago. Yet, those responsible for this pile of cinematic detritus created a farce so abysmally bad that I would crap on it regardless if it was a remake, a reboot, or an entirely original idea (if those exist anymore).

Things start fine with the blue-skinned, white pants-wearing Smurfs doing whatever their individual job entails whether that is fixing things, angrily commenting, or being uncoordinated. After Clumsy leads Gargamel to the village, the smurfs run for the hills while a few including Papa Smurf and Smurfette instead get consumed by a wormhole which transports them to New York City. Gargamel and Azrael follow so that Gargamel can extract the Smurf magic but is thwarted by the little blue things and Neil Patrick Harris. God, it hurts to recall these scant details.

Even though it has been out a few weeks, the showing my daughter and I attended was fairly full with families and kids. Yet, other than the movie, the only discernible noise from the audience was the creaking reclining chairs and the few who shuffled out of the theater early and did not return. I hope they snuck into a better movie. For a kid, this film will do just fine even though it lacks anything at all remarkable. I bet if you ask a patron under the age of 5 what their favorite part was, they’d merely say “the whole thing!” as there is little here to bother recalling after the credits roll.

As an adult, this was one of the most painful movies I’ve watched recently. Neil Patrick Harris has a few somewhat entertaining moments, Jayma Mays as his wife is dull and inconsequential, and the human-side of the story about Harris’ character worrying about his job and accepting his future as a father-to-be is overwrought and just simply boring. I feel I cannot lay too much blame on director Raja Gosnell as this was likely designed as a soulless cash grab from day one regardless of who was writing or directing it. Rather than plunking out an ungodly amount of money to see this movie, buy your kids some marbles or socks instead. They will thank you in the long run.

After interrupting the marriage between Barnaby and Mary Contrary (Jill Schoelen), Lisa meets the citizens of Toyland and is caught in a web of lies and deceit as Barnaby tries to implicate his nephew Jack-be-nimble (Keanu Reeves) in a nefarious cookie heist to take control of the town and the domain of the Toymaster (Pat Morita). With the help of Georgie Porgie (Googy Gress), Lisa, Mary, and Jack set out to uncover Barnaby’s master plan and his deep corruption in the halls of Toyland. Yep, shit just got real.

I didn’t realize this was a made-for-TV movie until after the fact as even though it seemed cheap, there were a lot of name actors involved and some decent effects work on Barnaby’s trolls/minions of evil/whatever. Of course, having name actors means nothing when none of them can act worth a damn. There were some moments with Richard Mulligan that weren’t bad but he swung back and forth between tolerable to outrageous with not much in between. The rest of the actors were painfully bad. It seems silly to pick apart a young girl’s fantastical story, so I will withhold for the most part but there is no reason to have such awful acting even in a kid’s movie. Good thing for Barrymore that as a young actress that she had a few other entries on her resume before this. Even with Reeves, expectations are not too high for him (especially his earlier roles) but he still manages to deliver dialog as only he can like a slow man reading from a cue card ten feet away.

In my minimal research, it seems like all of the Babes in Toyland movies are different in their plot so the movie wasn’t being held to any particular template. It was cute but not particularly in depth and the characters are inept in their attempts to stop Barnaby from rising to power. A large part of the movie consists of the characters being trapped by Barnaby, only to escape and be recaptured minutes later. It gets tired quickly. There are some random songs sprinkled throughout, calling back to the source material I suppose, but they were sparse enough to make it not a musical but a movie where people break into song periodically. If I can commend it for anything though, the kids stayed put throughout the whole movie (almost unheard of in my house) so at least it works better as a family film than most.

I was shocked to learn (due to my extreme indifference toward him) that Ernest P. Worrell (Varney) was conceived as a local personality for television commecials which progressed into a TV series and no less than ten feature films. Having seen only a handful of those other movies, I cannot speak for the notion that Ernest is an almost self-aware, buffoonish caricature on purpose because his character merely comes off as a combination of annoying and “special.” Here we follow Ernest as he meets Santa Claus, a hot 80s teenage runaway, and some other stuff ensues as Santa attempts to woo a successor to take over the Santa throne.

The first few minutes are acceptable as even Ernest just comes off as a goofy, inept guy who has misplaced, but still good intentions. While his character may have still be the same by the end, I could not tell you as his mugging and vocal inflections get so ingratiating that I became angry whenever we left the more decent, or at least not as annoying characters, to get back to Ernest in some sort of get-up. In fact, I thought about Eddie Murphy a lot during this movie as well. I’m not sure that is relevant either but it still makes me angry.

Sadly, this doesn’t even work as a kid’s movie the way it used to in my day as my three kids who watched it with me could have cared less about anything going on other than debating if the old, bearded man was really Santa and laughing at the goofy fat guy in the warehouse. The story itself is pretty clever with Santa hounding this poor man to take over the gift distribution duties but yet still clichéd with the hot 80s runaway teenager having a change of heart away from her dastardly, Grinch-like gift stealing.

And I take issue with the overall title of the movie. How does Ernest save Christmas exactly? He drives a taxi, puts on wigs and false teeth, and kidnaps two elves while commandeering Santa’s sleigh. If all of that wasn’t enough, this movie should have been enough to put Ernest on Santa’s shit list.

Elf Bowling is apparently based on a computer video game of the same name that I have never heard of. In the game, Santa is pissed at his unionized, striking elves and apparently uses them as bowling pins. Seeing 82 minutes of that would have been far more entertaining. In a bastardized retcon of the origin of THE jolly old fat man in a red suit, Santa transforms from the captain of the Stinky Toe into ol’ Saint Nick that we know him as after his crew stages a mutiny and pushes Santa and his brother Dingle Kringle overboard into the freezing ocean waters. After thawing, Santa enters into a contractual agreement with the native elves on the North Pole to deliver the toys made by the elves as long as working conditions are happy. Dingle is tired of being upstaged by his brother and concocts a scheme with a couple of penguins to remove Santa from power and relocate the toy-making operation to Fiji.

To be honest, if I wasn’t in a crunch for a Christmas movie today, I would have turned this shit off in the first ten minutes. For a CG-animated movie made just a few years ago, the animation was embarrassingly bad. Being that I had never even heard of this fucker before watching it, I wasn’t expecting Pixar-like animation or story telling. But this literally looks like someone managed to hack a Nintendo 64 to create the visuals that look and move like stop-motion props carved out of wood based on a story that a drunken father tells his children on Christmas Eve. I’m not even sure what demographic is being targeted as there are some jokes that are a bit too overtly lewd for a children’s movie but a story and characters so woefully undeveloped that I fathom kids would be the ones most likely to to tolerate it.

Between the sheer absurdity of the story, the mild, cartoonish physical violence, and the random musical numbers, this was either created by a bunch of guys who’ve either never seen a movie or conversely seen way too many as it is all over the place. And someone should have sent them a message that having a song and dance espousing the virtues of slavery or a dark skinned elf rapping about wrapping probably isn’t the most appropriate in a family film. But then again, no one else is going to seek out this trash other than me so why bother?

Directed by Bob Clark, the genius behind Porky’s and Baby Geniuses, the story centers around cute little Ralphie who wants nothing more for Christmas than a Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle despite the numerous warnings of shooting an eye out. The treasured BB gun is merely the common thread that holds together the various segments about Ralphie, his slightly deranged parents, and the dreams and crushing realities of being a nine-year-old.

What always got lost in the barrage of the Christmas Story marathon is the perfect way this film captures what it is like to be a kid at that age. Even though you or I grew up decades detached from the 1940s setting, many of the unforgettable memories of that age seem to be universal. You have absurd fantasies, aloof parents, and maniacal bullies peppering the humdrum life of going to school, doing homework, and marveling at adults and the questionable things they do.

The fact that this movie is so highly regarded almost thirty years later is a testament to the source material from Jean Shepherd (who also narrates) and Clark’s ability to weave mostly unrelated plot points into the story. A Christmas Story is nothing without the flagpole dare, the dangers of ingesting soap (and causal child abuse), or the atrociously tacky lamp the Old Man wins as a Major Award. While each are funny on their own, the blending of these side stories makes the film all the more relevant as it is told through the eyes of a child.

The biggest asset to the film was the nuclear family: Darren McGavin as the Old Man, Melinda Dillon as Mrs. Parker, and Peter Billingsly as Ralphie. In performances that channel almost every mother and father in existence, Dillon and McGavin are able to flip from standard parental moments of yelling or chastising to glowing at the reaction to a gift or comforting after a rough day. Some of these more poignant moments I hadn’t previously picked up on but they go miles escalating this story beyond Christmas about the trials and comfort of family.

It is almost disconcerting that A Christmas Story is so ubiquitous, especially this time of year. Its overexposure leads to more focus on the commercial-worthy bits with the deranged department story Santa and the savage beating of Skut Farkus as opposed to the real heart of the story. At least now I can keep things in context when I undoubtedly see the entire movie in three minute segments over the next few weeks.

***THIS REVIEW CONTAINS A SPOILER***

I’ll tell you, as anti 3D as I am, it didn’t bother me in Megamind. According to the internet, the 3D was complete garbage and/or useless, but I found it to be pleasant and comfortable to look at.

Megamind (Will Ferrell) was sent to our planet at 8 days old (but highly intelligent) by his parents. In addition to this, another baby from another planet was sent to Earth and the two pods briefly collided, sending Megamind to a prison for the criminally gifted and the other child in to a home of a very wealthy couple and underneath their Christmas tree. The children are raised in their new homes, and end up going to the same school. As Megamind was raised by criminals, he is a bit of an outcast and ill behaved. The other child generally thwarts his behavior and wins the affections of students and the teacher alike. Constantly being placed in the corner, Megamind realizes that he isn’t good at anything, except for being bad, and makes the decision to become a villain. As adults the two are rivals, Megamind being the supervillain, while the other child, Metro Man (Brad Pitt)  is the defender of Metro City. As per any hero/villain relationship, Metro Man has defeated Megamind in any altercation they have engaged in. One day Megamind and his sidekick Minion (David Cross) kidnap a reporter, Roxanne Ritchi (Tina Fey). They lure Metro Man in to a trap, but unlike Megminds previous schemes, this one works, and Metro Man is no more. Megamind assumes control of the city, but as there is no super hero to challenge him, he becomes bored. He decides to create a new hero using some of Metro Man’s DNA. He accidentally injects it in to Hal (Jonah Hill), Roxanne’s cameraman. He decides that this will work, and trains him to use his new powers. Megamind makes him an outfit and names him Tighten. Ultimately, Tighten decides to become evil and Megamind is forced to defend the city much like Metro Man once did.

This film is very entertaining, however quite reminiscent of other films. Similarly to Despicable Me, the main character is a villain that becomes good. Also in that film, Gru has little creatures called “minions.” The comparisons to Superman are many. Child sent to Earth, reporter involved with superhero. Also, when Megamind is training Hal, he takes the form of an old man who looks and sounds like Marlon Brando as Jor-El. There is also apparently some similarity to The Incredibles, but I have not seen that film.

Despite all of that, it is still a film that is quite enjoyable. The dialogue is quite clever and every one seems to be having a great time with each of their roles. The humor is well paced and will keep an adult entertained the entire time. Infact, the humor is what elevates it from other films of this ilk.  The plot, while similar in nature to Despicable Me, was different enough to feel refreshing. Again, I thought the 3D was fine. Apparently I am alone in this, but it just worked for me. It was not gimmicky and it looked clean and smooth. Megamind has a car with stealth mode, but it is still somewhat visible (ala Predator), and at one point part of the vehicle was right in front of my face and I didn’t notice it for a few seconds.

The film is rated PG and I think the older the child is, the more they will like it, and adults will enjoy it from start to finish without feeling like they are watching a film aimed at kids. This is a Dreamworks picture, and it did not seem to have that mysterious hypnotic greatness that Pixar films have, but it is not bad by any means.

I almost feel kind of bad for giving a horrible review about a kids film. But I assure you, this film deserves it.

Alpha and Omega is an animated version of the classic love story that involves a boy and a girl from different social backgrounds, in similar fashion of Romeo and Juliet or West Side Story. This one has wolves. Kate is an Alpha wolf. Alpha’s are more serious and responsible. Humphrey is an Omega wolf. Omega’s tend to have fun more and try to keep peace. It is arranged for Kate and Garth (another Alpha) to be married, however, Humphrey has a bit of a crush on Kate. Garth is a pretty boy, but has a weak howl, and apparently wolves mate (when not in arranged marriages) when their howls are the same. Some party happens and all the wolves are there. When Kate and Humphrey are alone talking, they both get hit with tranquilizer darts and wake up in a national park in Idaho. A goose that plays golf and his duck caddy inform them that they were brought to the park to mate and produce offspring (standard plot for a children’s movie). Humphrey has no problem with this and is ready to get down. Kate however, does not like that, and within seconds is trying to find away back to Canada. Thusly, Humphrey follows this plan, realizing that he will not be doing it wolf style anytime soon.

This film is unbelievably bad. The script was filled with bad jokes, things that I think were supposed to be jokes but weren’t and just amazingly bad dialogue in general. The trip home consisted of about 2 incidents of “danger” in which their crusade may have been put in jeopardy. I have more adventure walking to the store. The animation was not very impressive. I saw it in 3D and it did nothing to enhance the viewing. I found Larry Miller’s (he played the goose) French Canadian accent to be quite irritating and inconsistent. Justin Long’s (Humphrey) voice just kept transporting me to his other films. The runtime is 88 minutes which while makes it seem like the film was hastily thrown together, did make the unpleasantness rather short. It’s use of a basic story that has been told time and time again made the film rather predictable, and as soon as the main conflict is revealed, you will know how it ends.

There are many films that a child and adult would both enjoy. I would hate to think that the film makers just assumed that because it was a children’s movie, they could just bang out an animated picture without originality or redeeming qualities. I mean, adults are the ones driving the kids to the theaters and buying the tickets.

True, a kid will not dissect a picture in this fashion. However, my almost 4 year old asked twice, while watching this, if the movie was over yet.  Just saying.

Despicable Me is brought to us by Universal and Illumination Entertainment. Illumination has some seriously questionable projects going on. Like Where’s Waldo? and The Addams family directed by Tim Burton.  Can we stop giving Burton films that can be easily transformed into a Bauhaus fan’s newest favorite picture?

Gru (Steve Carell) is a villain. He hopes to be the worst, and  thereby the best villain in the world. An unknown villain steals a pyramid in Egypt and the crime makes national news. Determined not to be outdone, Gru attempts to get a loan from the Bank of Evil. The loan is to fund the construction of a rocket. He plans to steal a shrink ray from a lab, take the rocket in to space, then shrink and steal the moon. The bank denies the loan, however, informs Gru that if he gets the ray, they will give him the money. They explain that he is old and that there are many younger, more capable villains that they would rather loan money to. One of these younger villains, Vector (Jason Segal) is also waiting in the bank for a loan, and annoys Gru to such an extent, that Gru freezes his head on the way out. Later, Gru steals the shrink ray, but Vector steals it from him as payback. Of course one can not simply waltz in to Vector’s home, so Gru has to figure out a ruse to get in. This is where 3 orphaned girls (one voiced by Miranda Cosgrove) come in to play.

First off, let me say that the movie is fine. It was delightfully cute and funny and all that. It wasn’t as good as the TV tells me it is, but it was not a bad movie. Everyone in it is great except maybe Cosgrove;  she can’t act her way out of an iCarly lunchbox, but luckily she doesn’t talk so much. I should tell you that I did not see this in 3D, but the animation was fine. If I had one complaint, it’s that it didn’t feel as “slick” as Up or Wall-E. Similarly to Up, you have grumpy old guy that has to “deal” with annoying but cute adolescence but learns from the experience. I’m not claiming that this story originated with Up (nor am i pulling an anti Despicable Me argument ala the anti Inception movement), but it was just done a little better. Possibly because the story was a tad more engaging and characters seemed deeper in Up. Despicable Me was more jokes and situational humor and did not really delve in to the potential morals it could have taught us. Again, this is fine, as it was entertaining most of the time, and who doesn’t like little creatures with high pitched voices pushing each other and laughing all the time?

Not bad for a first effort by Illumination, but Pixar it is not. It was perfect for what it was for me: a Sunday afternoon with my daughter enjoying a movie.

Early reviews have been fairly mixed with one viewers gain being another’s displeasure. It is safe to say that producer Robert Rodriguez has been fairly hit or miss with his offerings over the past decade or so but hopefully this will fall into the hit category as this is not a kid’s movie.

Personally, while the first is a good action film, I can’t say the Predator series really has much going for it. This film is more or less a sequel to the original (possibly the second as well), ignoring the AVP films which apparently are garbage. Check out the trailer below.

Despicable Me
Featured the voice talents of Steve Carrell, Will Arnett, Kristen Wiig and many more, Despicable Me is yet another computer animated tale that attempts to appeal to kids with silly shenanigans and to adults with recognizable talents behind the scene.

I wasn’t too impressed with the trailer for the film that was shown before Toy Story 3. It currently has good ratings at both Rotten Tomatoes and at IMDb but it is still early and with a number of reviewers having not published their thoughts, that could change. The trend of these celebrity-voiced kids movies shows no sign of stopping but between Shrek 4 (or Forever After of Requiem or whatever the subtitle was), Toy Story, Marmaduke, How to Train Your Dragon, and all the others, I believe a moratorium should be enacted, not only for my sanity but also for my wallet.

Wild Hearts Can’t be bothered with a shorter title opens with our heroine Sonora, played by Gabrielle Anwar, as an orphaned child growing up during the depression and going through a defiant phase in her life, punctuated by a scene of her cutting her own hair… rebelliously. After she gets into some trouble breaking a fence, she runs away from her mean old aunt to join the circus and be with horses all the time. I’m guessing that every twelve-year-old little girl is supposed to relate to this, but I was born with a Y chromosome, so I liked dinosaurs instead. There, she meets up with some weaselly red-headed kid slinging hot dogs and a professional horse-diving troop lead by Doctor W.F. Carver, played by Cliff Robertson, the poor man’s Sam Elliot.  In all fairness, Mr. Robertson is this film’s only cast member who, after this feature, retained something resembling a career in acting. His son, Al Carver, is played by Michael Schoeffing, who you may recognize as the studly guy from Sixteen Candles.  Anyway, Sonora wants to join up with the horse diving team and decides that the best way to present herself as a valuable asset is to annoy the living hell out of Dr. Carver until he finally breaks down and takes her on as a stable hand.

As the group travels from town to town, they acquire a energetic, and somewhat feral, horse that nobody can handle. Sonora can relate to the free spirit of the psychotic animal and, to prove to Dr. Carver that she can do more than clean up horse crap, decides to tame the wild horse with the help of Al and a handy training montage. She then shows Dr. Carver that she has tamed the beast, whom she has named Lightning, and that she is ready to become a horse diver herself.  Dr. Carver is mildly impressed, but tells Sonora that she must learn to mount the horse while it is moving to become a proper horse diver. So, in the second training montage in just as many minutes, we get to see Sonora crash into the dirt about fifty times as she constantly fails to mount Lightning while he is running. I think this is meant to convey her unwavering determination, but I was too busy laughing to care about that. Bloodied and beaten, she does eventually get the hang of it. Not to be upstaged, the team’s caddy horse diving prima donna Marie thinks that she too has what it takes to ride the Lighting. The horse, sensing her smug, superior attitude, instantly catapults Marie off his back and onto the ground. Since their star performer is now injured, Dr. Carver begrudgingly lets Sonora take center stage, or center platform eighty feet in the air, in their next horse diving extravaganza.

After Sonora finally becomes the horse diver she always wanted to be, we still have about half a movie left. The story meanders around for the rest of its running time, but does take some pretty dark turns as we see yet another montage of several fairs and circuses closing down, Dr. Carver dies of a heart attack, Lightning gets sick and Sonora becomes blind. Even with all these awful occurrences, Sonora still sticks it out as a horse diver, Al carries on his father’s legacy of horse-based entertainment, and we learn through a little end movie narration that the two eventually get married. I think there was some kind of romantic subplot going on between Sonora and Al that justifies this, but I can’t be sure. I’m actually very startled at how much of this movie I do remember. I can’t in good conscience recommend this flick to anyone unless you have a daughter or you, yourself, are really into horses, and montages.