Fuck you, Feast III: The Happy Finish. Oh, and that is flagrant false advertising. There is nothing happy about the ending. There is nothing happy about the rest of it either, so I guess it’s consistent.

During the course of this series of films, I have been subjected to a cat rape, a baby being tossed in to the air and in to the claws of demons and a man getting raped by a demon through a pipe, only to be impregnated, then blow up as his demon child is born. And that’s not even the half of it. What started out as a fairly clever, modern tongue in cheek horror-comedy has ended as a demon shit stained pointless gore fest. In this third installment, I actually believe that each new character was introduced purely so that they would be killed 6 minutes later, in a needlessly gruesome, sure to only be entertaining to the filmmakers’ fashion. They even threw in some “infected,” which I bet everyone thought would be brilliant, when it actually served no purpose, with the possible exception as a cause of death for 2 characters (well, also to piss me off). The camera work was border line seizure inducing, as for some reason there was an infected rave with strobe lights. At the beginning of the film there was some green camera shots as if to imply that we were looking through the eyes of some one or some thing else, but we never were. Also, I got motion sickness a couple of times from the shaky camera.

Why do people insist on yelling at demons and the like? I mean, there is this gigantic, naked demon with teeth the size of flagpoles, and you yell, “Fuck you!” The hell is that going to accomplish? Also, if you have been running from these things for 3 films, and you still have to ask, “What was that?”  when you hear a strange noise, your character just became less believable as a survivor.  WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

The end of this movie makes me want bite my arm off so I can forget about seeing it. I really can’t believe the movie ended like that. Dumbest, shit, ever.

Avoid this at all costs.

Wow. I haven’t seen a franchise go downhill this quickly since A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 came out.

So, Feast II picks up after the first one stops. We see all but two of the survivors driving off, as we did in the last one. Biker Queen, who thankfully is a biker, as her name might make for an uncomfortable work day in another vocation, comes across a dog with a hand in it’s mouth. Like any other rational human being would do, she shoots the dog several times with a shotgun. Upon inspection, she notices that the hand has the other half of a tattoo that she also has; the word “sister.” We find out that Harley Mom, who was killed in the first movie and Biker Queen are sisters. Bartender, who had a sort of heart attack and his throat slashed in the first movie is on the ground nearby and Biker Queen questions him about her dead sister. Bartender explains that Bozo (one of the survivors that drives off at the beginning) was responsible. So Biker Queen takes him as a hostage and drives to town to try to find Bozo so she can kill him. We are introduced to various characters, only this time in a less clever fashion than in the first film. Their name only is shown this time, and each one sort of gives us a quick bio of them self. We see them at their jobs or home for a few minutes, and then monsters end up attacking and these characters end up escaping. Ultimately Biker Queen and her gang of girl bikers, two midget Mexican wrestlers named Thunder and Lightening (and their Grandmother), Slasher (car salesmen that slashes prices), his wife Secrets and the man she is cheating with (Greg Swanker) and Bartender end up having to form a group and survive this ordeal. We also run across Honey Pie who was a survivor of the first film, having made it out of the bar to a truck, but ended up driving off and leaving the others. Bartender gives her the beating of a lifetime, bites her ear off, and then pushes her out the window when he runs across her. Honey Pie ends up by herself having her own boring adventure for the entire film.

What disappointed me most about this film, was that it was gore just for gore’s sake. It was just blood blood blood, heads and torsos. And it is pretty vile. It wasn’t nearly as clever or funny as the first film. This time the film makers seemed to get a lot of kicks making the monsters piss and shit, rape cats and having all the humans vomit at least twice each. There was a catapult built from a motorcycle and clothes (excuse for nudity), and did I mention midget Mexican wrestlers? I’ll tell you another thing, this movie dragged so much. Part of the problem was the side “story” of Honey Pie trapped in a store. Absolutely nothing happened with her (unless you count a really weird dream involving maggots).  Bartender could have just killed her and the movie would have been just fine without her. I suspect she was just a time filler. It was great; we would have a really long stretch of boring shit with the main group, then cut to a really long stretch of boring shit with Honey Pie. My assumption is, that in order to try and make this different than the first film which took place entirely in a bar, the film makers wanted this one to be on the move, and have people survive longer. This unfortunately did not work. It screwed the pace up horribly.  It also just abruptly stops, indicating that there will be a sequel (which there is) only further pissing me off that nothing got resolved during the previous 97 minutes.

The only thing further I can say is, this made me miss Henry Rollins.

*THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*

In season 3 of Project Greenlight, Marcus Dunston and Patrick Melton (writers), as well as John Gulager (director) were selected as the winners, and got to make Feast.

Feast opens in a bar in the middle of a desert, where the patrons are doing normal bar things, like shooting pool and drinking. A man comes in covered in blood, with the head of some creature, and explains that there are 4 of these things, and they are hungry. He is asked who he is and he replies, “I’m the guy that is going to save your ass.” He is then immediately pulled through a window and eaten, the first one to die. His name? “Hero.” The rest of the film is spent watching the group band together and try to survive.

I liked the movie within the first minute. The characters are introduced one at a time with on-screen identification in the format of name, occupation, fun fact, and life expectancy. Some of the data that fills out these categories is quite hilarious. One character’s life expectancy is “dies a horrible death in 70 minutes.” Others falsely lead you to believe that the character may survive the film, so it is not entirely accurate. The movie is just good fun. Plenty of blood splatter and gore. Quality not at all affected by it’s limited budget. On the surface it is a pretty standard “modern” creature horror movie. Typical, group of people forced to work together and over come differences formula is used. Has all the usual stereotypes: old people, a drunk old person, a redneck, parent with child, pretty woman, dumb guy, etc. They all have descriptive names such as Heroine, Beer Guy and Harley Mom. The movie does however acknowledge it’s formulaic horror movie status by characters spouting lines like, “It’s been awhile since someone was killed, and it seems like it’s time for one of us to get offed.” It does a pretty good job of being fairly amusing while still being the cheesy gore fest you want to see. It also chooses to break formula at some points, by killing characters that, normally may not die, or if they did at least not as early in the film. I also found it hilarious that one of the group just completely abandons the rest of them out of nowhere.  Feast is really just a good time and is humorous enough to make the gore not seem as offensive as it could be.

Obviously not any Oscar worthy performances, or anything like that, but sometimes you just want to watch a movie and enjoy the pure escapism of it. Feast is a fine film to use in that capacity.