Ah, sweet 81 minute running time. How you make the pain so much easier to take. Actually, The Lost Boys: The Thirst is not as bad as The Tribe. In fact, it would be borderline not bad at all if they would just get rid of the stupid action movie hokey lines. And the crap “Cry Little Sister” cover.

While Alan Frog was absent from the last film, he was referenced by Edgar who says that he knows what it’s like to lose a sibling to the undead or some such verbiage. The opening of The Thirst, shows us “5 years earlier” in Washington where a really old senator half vampire with vampire teeth dentures is about to feed on a congressman is interrupted by the Frog brothers. They save the congressman but Alan (again played by Jamison Newlander) gets turned in to a half vampire. We go back to the present and Edgar (Corey Feldman) gets an eviction notice and one week to vacate his trailer. Still talking like Nolan’s Batman, he goes to a comic book store to sell some of his collection. As if sensing the need for exposition from the viewer, a famous blogger named Johnny Trash comes in and irritates Edgar’s friend Zoe who explains that he is in town to cover a rave. When Edgar gets back to his trailer, he finds a woman named Gwen there who wants to hire him to find her brother Peter. Peter went to a rave hosted by DJ X in Ibiza (guess who is hosting the rave that’s coming to town?) and has not been seen since. These raves are held all over the world, and ravers are given “the thirst,” which they think is a new hip drug, but in fact is vampire blood. Essentially, DJ X is creating armies of vampires all over the world. Gwen informs Edgar that DJ X is possibly the Alpha vampire (and killing him will return all halves back to human). Edgar turns this down. He does, however go to visit Alan to discuss the situation. Thank God, just like us, Alan has no idea what happened to characters from the first film so Edgar can tell all of us. Here is the skinny on that: During the credits of The Tribe, Sam (Corey Haim)  shows up as a vampire and confronts Edgar. The go at each other and the credits continue to roll, leaving us unsure as to what happened. Edgar tells Alan that he killed Sam, after he became a full vampire. Because of this, Sam’s brother Michael and Star no longer speak to him. Laddie, the child half vampire that Star looked after in the original, apparently now has a family and leads a normal life. Interestingly also, in another reference to the first movie, Alan sustains himself as a half vampire by drinking animal blood. He is a taxidermist, like Sam and Michael’s grandfather was (which is a main point of argument for those that believe that Grandpa was half vampire). Alan wants nothing to do with this task as he believes that no one knows who the Alpha vampire really is, and there will just be someone else who they believe is, and it is a never ending cycle. Edgar decides to take the job anyway, but Gwen has hired Lars, a reality show host, so they are now partners in this task. So the group:  Edgar, Zoe, Lars (and his cameraman) and Gwen (who is the author of a popular series of vampire novels) load up on weapon and formulate a plan to rescue Peter (oh yeah, that’s what they were doing).

The Thirst is kind of interesting. For those of you that are unaware, there is a comic (4 issues) called The Lost Boys: Reign of Frogs that takes place between the first 2 films. Also, there was or is talks of making a Frog brothers television show. After watching this film, I can almost see how a show would be good. I would need the Frogs to be recast, as Feldman and Newlander have lost all acting ability, but I would not mind seeing Edgar and Alan regularly as a spin off of the original film. This franchise gets steered in to spin off more than sequels, but it just isn’t working. The Thirst is a big bag of references to the original film. When not being treated to expoistion explaining unanswered (and possibly unasked) questions to fill in the gaps between 1987 and 2010, we get flashbacks to scenes of the original. The explination of what happened to the characters  was fine, but the flashbacks were annoying. This is clearly the further adventures of the Frogs, and the original is now but one (albeit the best) chapter in their adventure. Let’s focus on the present. In fact, while we are at it, let’s lose The Lost Boys title as well.

I cannot tell  you how much I HATE action movie one liners. The Tribe and The Thirst are riddled with them. You know, what? Stop making them largely comedic anyway. They are not as funny as the original and they don’t really need to be. Nothing wrong with a little bit of humor, but the comedy is over emphasized by lines that would be better suited in Commando.

These films were possibly a good idea, and perhaps 15 years ago they would have been much better. Feldman looks old, and the storyline would be better suited to younger actors, as well would a lengthy series, whether film or television. With the success of The Walking Dead, it is very possible that a well executed series about the Frog Brothers could be just as well received. The end of this film hints at another sequel, and perhaps it will be better. We are given a clue as to what the subject matter would be, and this would further detach it from The Lost Boys “family” as it were. This would surely make the quality better as I would have to assume the constant references would be done away with as we watch the Frogs take on new challenges.

So, it is not crap. In fact, it is a springboard for many interesting concepts. I find that the possibilities this film could lead to are more interesting than the actual film, and perhaps that’s what carried me through to the end. Rightfully so, it apparently ignored the second film, with the exception of two references (unfortunately, one of which actually requires a viewing of The Tribe to understand).  However, just because it is not crap, does not mean it is good. Unfortunately it is more bad than good, but there are some moments that are genuinely entertaining. I say, stop making films, change the name and make a show. It will work better.

Take everything that was good about the first one,  reverse it, and make a new movie. BAM! The Lost Boys: The Tribe. Great music turns in to terrible music. Clever, funny dialogue turns in to weak, lame jokes. You get the idea.

The Tribe is the first sequel to the original Lost Boys film that for some reason a group of people felt they needed to ruin the legacy of. This went straight to video, and it looks like a film that went straight to video. The only connection this film has with the original is that Corey Feldman reprises his role as Edgar Frog. Also, Haim shows up during the credits for about 2 minutes and is now a vampire. That is not a spoiler and the scene is not relevant to the rest of the movie.

Chris and Nicole Emerson have lost their parents and move to California. Chris was a professional surfer that was kicked off the circuit after having snapped. I assume he repaired himself, because he is remarkably low key for someone who has snapped. Chris is looking for a job as a shaper, and is referred to The Frog Brothers shapers. They go to their trailer and no one answers, so Chris leaves their contact information on the door. Chris eventually meets Shane, also a former surfer and a bit mysterious. He invites Chris to a party. Chris and Nicole attend and Shane is quite fond of Nicole. She unknowingly drinks Shane’s blood and turns in to a half vampire. She slowly displays vampiric characteristics, which prompts a visit from Edgar Frog, vampire hunter and surfboard shaper. Very much like the first film, Edgar must convince Chris that his sister is now (half) undead, and that the head vampire must be killed so that she can return to normal. Then this piece of shit movie wanders on for another hour or so, sure to infuriate the viewer.

Cory Feldman is the worst part of the film. He does this, Christian Bale Batman voice the whole time, it’s ridiculous. And he has the worst lines. “Who ordered the steak (stake)?” should never be uttered in a vampire film. Everyone else ranged from marginal to not bad. Kiefer Sutherland’s half brother Angus Sutherland plays Shane, and he is pretty decent. But the cast was not nearly as tight as the first film. It was like a bunch of school kids waiting to spout off their lines autonomous of each other. “The Tribe,” which is just Shane’s vampire gang, is a bunch of idiots. One of them stabs the others because he thinks it’s funny. He doesn’t kill them, he will just stab until an intestine comes out. And they’re all jerks. To each other, to humans, just in general. In the first film, they were a family that was civil to each other. Shane refers to the Tribe as a family, but they act like dicks to each other. It’s like, who wants to be a part of that fucking family?

Another thing that was bothersome was once Nicole was half vampire, that was it. She just hung out with the Tribe the whole time and there really wasn’t any struggle there. She was no longer interested in being a human. In fact, she tried to recruit Chris toward the end of the film. I rather enjoyed the back and forth Michael went through in the first film.

The music was a bunch of garbage, featuring a horrible rendition of “Cry Little Sister.” The song that played during the credits was so weird and bad, it seemed as if I was imagining it due to the late hour.

Also, the film had numerous scenes that were not needed. The entire opening scene had nothing to do with anything. The police chase scene had NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.

Look, my face hurt from scowling so much at this. Don’t watch it. You will hate it. It is an embarrassment, not only compared to the original, but as a film in general.

Ah, The Lost Boys. I haven’t seen saxophone playing that sexy since Rob Lowe in St. Elmo’s Fire. Both of those films are directed by Joel Schumacher. Hm.

Sam (Corey Haim), his brother Michael (Jason Patric) and mother Lucy (Diane Wiest) are relocating to Santa Carla, California after Lucy has divorce the boys’ father. They are moving in with Lucy’s eccentric father (Bernard Hughes). Seeing things like “murder capital of the world” spray painted on a sign, posters with missing people on them and all kinds of weirdos running around the boardwalk do not exactly make the boys feel good about the move. Grandpa is also a weirdo, who likes smoking weed, taxidermy and keeping Oreos in the refrigerator next to his root beer. While out on the boardwalk one night, Lucy goes in to a video store and meets Max (Edward Hermann), the owner, and takes a job there. Sam visits a comic book store where the Frog brothers, Edgar (Corey Feldman) and Alan (Jamison Newlander) give him a vampire comic. The speak vaguely and call the comic a survival guide, and hint that something is not right in Santa Carla (I never understood this; the movie makes it clear right away that there are vampires about. I have often wondered why the Frog brothers just did not outright say from the beginning that the town is crawling with them). Michael (whose name is spoken easliy 100 times in this film) sees and beomes fascinated with Star (Jami Gertz), who he first encounters at the aforementioned steroid saxophone jam. While trying to woo Star, Michael falls in with David (Keifer Sutherland) and friends who live in a cave. They are reprobates for sure, but because Star hangs out with them, Michael does also. They put him through various “tests” as initiation, including having him unknowingly drink David’s blood. Michael then becomes a half vampire and slowly starts displaying the warning signs: see through reflection, sleeping all day, flying. Some of the behaviors he is displaying are the same as a troubled son, so Lucy assumes that he is rebelling due to the divorce. Sam, having read the vampire comics supplied to him, recognizes the transformation that his brother is going through and tried to alert his mother, but this usually ends in disaster and Lucy again thinks that, reacting to the divorce, her other child is now acting out. Sam must now save his brother, who is torn between good and evil, and resisting the urge to become a full vampire (by killing someone) is becoming increasingly difficult.

I will just come right out and say that The Lost Boys is every bit as good as it was over 20 years ago. Even as I typed “20 years ago,” it does not seem like the film is that old. It doesn’t look it, that’s for sure. The 80′s is one of the most visually obvious decades when captured on film and aside from maybe a vampire mullet or two, the film does not have that look to it at all. You may have to ignore the umpteen occasions in which “Cry Little Sister” is played to remove yourself from 1987, but if you did that, you wouldn’t be watching The Lost Boys, would you?

The film blends horror and comedy perfectly, and what helps is that neither of the two is over the top. Lines are genuinely funny, and the gore is rather limited, yet very effective. This lends believability to an otherwise unbelievable story. Also, everyone in it was pretty much perfectly cast, right down to the two Coreys. This was their first film together, and what a legacy they have left us.

The most enjoyable part of this film was that it focused on the fight for Michael. We seem him turn half vampire early, and the bulk of the film is him battling the urge to give in and become full vampire. He seeks help from Sam but at the same time, returns to David. This was much more satisfying than a simple battle between vampires and humans. This was a fight for property and territory that is complicated by love and family.

Also enjoyable is the whole “my kids are just acting out” explanation that Lucy assigns to her kids’ behavior. I mean, it makes logical sense, so why wouldn’t she? How funny is it, that of many things kids might battle with (drugs, etc), Michael ends up running with blood suckers? It’s almost a blatant commentary on how oblivious some parents can be.

There really isn’t anything negative to say about this film. Every second is thoroughly enjoyable. What’s more impressive, is that it will without a doubt be just as good in another 20 years. Whereas I could not make it through an entire installment of Twilight when it was new, I can make it through this film with the same level of enjoyment each and every time. I am unsure if Schumacher knew he was making a film that would be sort of timeless, but that it exactly what he did. There are countless vampire films, and it is almost a reflex to mention The Lost Boys when someone demands a list of best vampire films of me.