Dave Parker, the writer/director of The Dead Hate the Living! said that he wanted to make the most un-Full Moon movie that he could. Full Moon Entertainment has brought us such delights as Puppet Master, Killjoy and was a distributor of Gingerbread Man 2: Passion of the Crust. What Parker meant was, he wanted to make a film without small creatures and make a film that felt as much like a real movie as he could make it. I assume he meant “real” literally, as he also said he purposely made the film referential of the low budget genre. Believe me, the film is full of references.

We have a group of young filmmakers shooting a zombie picture. Through some forced exposition we learn that this is the director, David Poe’s first movie. His best friend Paul is the effects guy, and his two sisters are actresses (although Nina Poe’s part was secretly given to Shelly Poe, because everyone hates Nina). The film location is an abandoned hospital, which, again through an awkward bit of dialogue, we learn they do not have permission to be there and it is illegal to film there. For reasons that normally would not necessitate a group of people to split up, they do. One group finds a room with a tv and and a video camera with a tape in it. The video shows a man talking directly to the camera before getting mauled by zombies. As plot formula would dictate they just assume it is part of the movie that they are making. Eventually they all come across a giant coffin. A dead guy (the one from the video) falls out. What happens next, I have dubbed, “The Weekend at Bernie’s Moment.” Someone suggests calling the cops, but David manages to convince everyone (except Shelly) not to. He claims that if they use the body, everyone will rush to see the movie with a real dead person (and I guess, also not call cops). I will assume the scene in which a re-write was done to include the coffin that they just found was cut from the real movie, as they immediately have lines and a plot that revolve around it. While shooting the scene the accidentally reanimate the dead guy and open some kind of portal to the world of the dead, thus trapping everyone in sort of in between land where time stands still. The dead guy was Dr. Eibon. His wife died from cancer and while trying to bring her back he created a bunch of zombies. They killed him (the scene from the video). Now that he is undead, he sends his undead henchmen to kill everyone so that he may continue his project. Everyone splits up and tries to survive, David and Paul using the director and special effects mastery to employ a few tricks. And the zombie film within a zombie film wanders off into the night.

The acting was terrible. The computer generated fire was almost insulting. The dialogue was outrageously bad. All of this paled in comparison to the almost checklist like insertion of horror movie references in nearly every scene. Allow me to share some of the more obvious ones:

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It would be an understatement to say that Puck does not like spiders. Having a traumatic experience where a probably harmless spider dropped onto my pillow at the tender age of six or so and watching Arachnophobia shortly thereafter, I was terribly afraid of these eight-legged demons sent straight from the depths of hell. Fortunately, old age has calmed my general distaste for these abominations but sadly watching Eight Legged Freaks has resurrected this fear.

It is funny how horror is such a subjective term. On one hand, the thought of a random serial killer lurching out at you in an abandoned mansion or in the middle of the woods is silly because most serial killers are more methodical than that and not to mention I will never be in an abandoned mansion or anywhere outdoors. Spiders on the other hand are real and demonic and as such, this was one of the more horrific movies I have seen in a while. But then again, I am a wuss.

After Piranha 3D opened and relatively underperformed at the box office, I saw many mentions of Eight Legged Freaks and comparing the two films, at least in financial terms. They actually share a great deal of similarities as both films are in the same over-the-top, monster attack movies with a sense of cheesy throwbacks to a previous moviemaking era. Sure, just like Piranha, this is not an Oscar worthy film but what can one expect from a movie called Eight Legged Freaks?

With copious amounts of references to other films, Freaks offers a pretty humorous look at an incident where mutated spiders become the size of station wagons, willing to pluck any ostrich, chain-smoker, or biker without prejudice for sustenance. The humor not only comes from the self-referential qualities as Them! is playing on the Sci-Fi Channel (remember that?) but also from the absurdity of the story. If Scream was a satire of generic slasher movies, Freaks is a companion to many improbable scenario movies where the adults are reluctant to listen, the kids are always right, and most everyone else in the movie is just monster fodder.

The great thing about the movie though is that it is comical enough to not take itself seriously. This movie would have been pretty fucking awful if it were played straight with a tank-sized Tarantula toppling a mobile home. This probably cannot be said seriously too many times but David Arquette’s presence is perfect as he sells the absurdity of the film. His goofy, inept shtick that he carried over from the aforementioned Scream series works quite well here with him as the unlikely hero, the prodigal son, and the resident bad-ass all in one. The rest of the cast here is pretty amazing to be able to deliver such performances against largely CGI man-eating spiders and deliver it seriously but with the hint of a smirk just seconds away.

The film is somewhat by the numbers as the geeky kid Mike is introduced to a myriad of rare and exotic spiders by his creepy older “friend” Josh (an uncredited Tom Noonan) who explains the spiders are growing due to a local toxic waste spill. Unsurprisingly, the biggest name in the film and his parrot become dinner for the spiders who mutate into the hideous beasts featured in the film. But, whereas you might expect the butthead boyfriend, the major-dick mayor, or the dopey deputy to bite it by way of venom, writer/director Ellory Elkayem throws some curveballs at you while still racking up the rampant ruckus as townspeople are mowed down by the above-average arachnids.

Even for a film being 96% comedy, it still managed to throw in some decent scares as the spiders lurk in shadowy places (never turn your back to a tent!) and cocooned bodies fall at the most inopportune times. But, the horror here is more or less a by-product of the story where the comedy really stands out such as a cat being propelled into making a literal impression in drywall or Doug E. Doug playing the resident paranoid conspiracy theorist who believes the spiders are really aliens equipped with anal probes.

Not to mention the film features Kari Wuhrer and a young Scarlett Johansson who reign at the top of the most attractive on-screen mother-daughter combo ever.

Just like Piranha, Eight Legged Freaks is a movie that revels in its absurdity and is not concerned with logic, only with having an enjoyable time.

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Nothing telegraphs an explosion better than the line, “Are those fuel tanks?”

Meat Market 2 takes place some time after the events of the first film. We see Argenta kill Shahrokh after he turns into a zombie. She, one of the vampires, and a random one eyed Asian wander around foraging for food and supplies. They find another survivor and at her suggestion follow her. She tells them that she heard a radio broadcast about a place to go for food and shower, etc. and was on the way there herself. Naturally, they ignore all sense of skepticism and follow her only to be tricked. The survivor is really a Lieutenant for a military concentration camp or cult or some such nonsense, and surprise; the three of them are the newest addition to the camp. The camp is run by the Reconstruction Commerce Association of North America (despite the heavy Canadian accents). Their goal is to rebuild society. They execute undesirables, perform experiments on some prisoners if acceptable for that sort of thing, and the healthy, attractive, and ethnically appropriate ones are put through orientation and processing to become part of “society.” How coincidental; 3 leads, 3 parts of the camp. As you might imagine, each one goes some place different. The camp is run by a white guy named Bill (first names for  everyone, it’s a people friendly cult) who wears a white button down shirt, a black tie and is a powerful public speaker. The Association, as it’s called, has its own symbol and tapestries that display this symbol all over the walls, to illustrate how much like another “cult” that had “camps” it is.

Much of the same from the first film happening here. Not a bad (albeit familiar) story, and considering the films budget, executed fairly well. The director seems to have access to a lot of buildings.  More atrocious acting. More sex with clothes on. Again, the zombies actually look pretty decent. I assume most of the budget went to the zombies.

There was a lot more focus on the story in this installment. The zombie action kind of serves as the bread of the film, mainly confined to the beginning and end. I had no issue with this choice, but it would have worked a lot better if the actors could act. In fact, this probably would be completely watchable with a bigger budget (mainly because the vampire’s laser gun died before she had a chance to use it). I could have dealt without yet another zombie movie reference. An Officer Romero is called over a loudspeaker. Yeah, I get it. You watch zombie films. You don’t have to spell it out, the deja vu is enough. I also probably would have been fine without the inclusion of a doctor fucking the eye socket of a skull. Didn’t really push the plot along, and I just assume every one that works at the camp is insane, so the skull fucking is not needed for character development either. At first, there seemed to be a lot of punk and or emo zombies about, what with the green and purple hair that a lot of them had. However, the main doctor, the chef and some others were pierced, so I made the assumption that the actors just did not want to change their appearances for the film, including the ones playing zombies. There also was a zombie that was wearing a shirt that said “straight edged Vegan” while eating someone. Damn scenesters. The ending leaves this film as clearly a middle of a larger story, as it concludes the “chapter,” but leaves plenty of room for the continuing adventures of Argenta and the vampire. I did like how at the very end, there was a black and white scene between the doctor from the first movie and the doctor from this one, prior to the zombie apocalypse giving a bit of story.

I have to categorize this as crap, mainly because when you combine horrible acting with a video camera, it rarely ends well. Brian Clement, the writer/director, clearly has a vision and is talented, and perhaps with better resources, he could produce some fine work.

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As I walked around the office today telling people that I had seen Piranha 3D…well, let’s be honest, bragging that I had seen it, every single person said the same thing to me: “Oh, that movie looks terrible.” Well, yes. Yes it is. It’s fucking Piranha.

As if the plot mattered, this incarnation of Piranha starts with Richard Dreyfuss playing Matt Boyd drinking an Amity beer. If you see this and don’t immediately understand that the following film will be nothing but a tongue in cheek, referenced ladened gore fest, then leave the theater immediately and go see Dinner for Schmucks. You obviously need your humor unfunny, and force fed to you. An underwater earthquake occurs and releases a swarm of a particular species of piranha that has not been seen in millions of years. Meanwhile, above the water at Lake Victoria, thousands flock for Spring Break, providing the obligatory hedonism required before a masked killer or hungry fish lay waste to the area. Loud music, wet t-shirt contests, booze, drugs, and a Girls Gone Wild type video being shot all provide the soon to be blood splattered red canvas that Alexandre Aja uses to paint the awesomest magic eye picture I have ever seen.  That’s right. Awesomest.

Inception has an interesting defense against supposed plot holes. There is one interpretation of it in which the entirety of the movie takes place in a dream, thus making plot holes, not holes at all, but rather part of some bizarre dream. Piranha 3D has a similar defense against its flaws. They’re supposed to be there. Bad acting? It’s Piranha. Formulaic horror tactics? Piranha! It’s because of this that it would be a waste of time to point out any flaws in this film. It’s part of a package. The gratuitous nudity and gore, the bad dialogue, the Jaws references. And while the 3D didn’t necessarily enhance the viewing experience, it was a genius move to convert it. This is the perfect movie to do that with. It was like the blood red bow on the package. I will admit, however, there was one instance in which I jumped due to a flying object coming at me. I remained motionless amidst dozens of decapitations and entrails galore, but a 3D object made me jump. All the acting was just above distraction level so as not to take you out of the film, but also so that there was no pointless deep characterizations. It’s all surface. I mean, really, the best advice I can give you is, don’t take the film seriously at all. Go into it expecting over the top ridiculousness. The audience Puck and I were in were clapping at some of the most disgusting things (when they weren’t yelling “1.21 gigawatts!” every time Christopher Lloyd was on screen).

Other cast include Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Eli Roth, Jerry O’Connell and a porn star (in 3D!).

Aja is fast becoming one of my favorite directors, what with High Tension, his remake of The Hills Have Eyes, and now this. This film delivers pure mindless entertainment and will most certainly leave its mark on you. Highly Recommended.

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As bad as this movie was, I kept telling myself, “At least it’s better than Flesh Freaks.” That was until the lesbian, laser toting vampires showed up.

Before raping my eyes, Meat Market sounded like a decent Zombie picture. There are bizarre attacks on humans that are thought to be animal attacks. Two former employees of a security agency figure out that they are not animal attacks, but zombies, and as it turns out, the company they used to work for is responsible. Not half bad, right? Well, I am angry at all who were involved with this.

Now, in this movie’s defense, there were some positives. The zombie make up was actually pretty decent for a film this low budget. If you can watch it long enough, you can find some fairly nice shots and scene transitions. In what I thought was a very clever touch (and I must have misunderstood this), I thought that this was going to be a sort of “A Modest Proposal” scenario, which would have explained the title of the film. At one point a zombie attacks a homeless person, and there is an interview with someone who states that he thinks that the attackers (I don’t recall if at this point the public still thinks it is animals or knows it zombies; the execution of the story line was rather convoluted) are doing the city a service by killing the homeless. In a pamphlet written by Johnathan Swift called (paraphrasingly) “A  Modest Proposal,” Swift suggested satirically that the children of Ireland’s poor families living in squalor should be sold into a meat market at the age of one. They would be fattened up and fed to rich land owners and this would help eliminate overpopulation, unemployment, etc. The prospect of Meat Market perhaps doing something similar excited me very much. That actually makes good (albeit evil) justification for the security company making these creatures. In addition to that: biting social satire! I was then ready to overlook the $2000 budget and sub-par acting to absorb this message! Then the lesbian vampires walked in.

By the way, that whole “A Modest Proposal” theory? Wrong. Never mentioned again. Well, it might have been, but the audio is such crap at some points I could not hear what people were saying. Like Flesh Freaks, Meat Market’s main competition in the worst film in the universe contest, this was shot with a video camera. I liked it in Market, though, because it worked a little better. The zombies were more like Romero zombies and thus more realistic (ha), so it sort of had that documentary look most of the time. Other times, however, it still had the, shitty low budget look. The acting most definitely was horrible. We have the whole man-woman thing going on, but the two leads suck so bad there is no chemistry. And naming the woman Argenta? Are you serious? In a shitty zombie movie, you are actually going to name a character Argenta? Nice job changing the last letter, no one will notice that at all. The male lead is named Shahrokh, which is a bird in Iranian mythology. I can’t find any really significance in naming your character that, with the possible exception that Rokh saved Sinbad in some gay story I never read (which therefore disqualifies me from calling it gay).

While the zombies looked good, the rest of the visual effects were a mixed bag. Most of the bite wounds looked good and as long at the blood was not splattering, that looked fine as well. But when brains were blown against the wall, that looked horrible. I outright laughed out loud when I saw a zombie eating a turkey leg, but then realized he was gnawing at a victim’s limb. The audio effects were kind of crap as well. When a zombie would bite someone, the foley artist clearly bit an apple.

There are 3 sex scenes in this movie. In the first one, the characters are clothed.

Now for the two most atrocious things that occurred  in this picture. The first one was that this was filmed in the city where there were a lot of regular people who were not a part of the production. However, the zombies only attacked the actors, so the zombie apocalypse looked a little bit like an unsuccessful high school party; not a lot of  participants.  It actually was funny because there was looting, but no chaos, so the looting looked unnecessary. I mean, they could have just walked in and paid for it. One could use the “A Modest Proposal” theory to say that the public was fine with the zombies eating the homeless and they just didn’t care, but they didn’t just eat the homeless.  The second major problem with this film is the 3 vampires. I don’t understand this one bit. For one, they have LASER GUNS. I don’t even have a clever remark, just why do they have lasers? They were also sex maniacs and apparently lesbian and/or bi sexual. One vampire has sex with a man, then one of the other vampires, so I assume the inclusion of these characters were an excuse for nudity. The man the vampire has sex with has a wound that he claims came from barbed wire, which is clearly a lie. So the vampire has sex with him and he turns in to a zombie. However, she doesn’t. So I guess since the vampires are already undead, they are immune to zombie attack. And if you do dare to watch this thing pay attention to the explanation of how people became zombies. Dumbest shit ever.

Also, there is a Mexican wrestler in this. His lines were dubbed for some reason.

Trash, yes. I think, however, compared to Flesh Freaks, this filmmaker made better use of his resources and limitations. There are two more of these films, and although this one is painful, I am curious to see if the series gets better.

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***THIS REVIEW MOST ASSUREDLY CONTAINS SPOILERS***

This is the second film where I have seen a zombie involved in a sex act. The first time I saw it was in Dead Alive. I will tell you this: it was far less comical this time.

Deadgirl starts during a fire drill at a  high school. J.T.  and Rickie are entertaining themselves with bad jokes and daydreams about girls. When it’s time to go back to class, J.T. and Rickie decide to ditch school and drink some beer. They go to “the asylum” which is an abandoned insane asylum. After being chased by a dog, they end up in a room with a door that is rusted shut. They force the door open and discover a nude woman wrapped in plastic, and strapped to a gurney. Naturally they assume she is dead, but they notice that she is breathing. Rickie freaks out a bit and wants to leave. J.T. however, has other plans. He wants to to have sex with her. He sends Rickie home and stays behind to have relations with a woman that has been locked in this room for who knows how long. Delightful.

Now, I should tell you that I am assuming that this woman is a zombie. I make this assumption based on several things. The day after they find her, J.T. brings Rickie back to the asylum. He tells Rickie that while he was having sex with her, she struggled, so he killed her. Yet she is still alive. To prove this, J.T.  shoots the girl in front of Ricki and she lives. In addition to this, when she bites someone, they seem to turn to the undead as well. One can argue that she is not a zombie, however, as zombies tend to have superhuman strength and while the girl could rip a metal door off the frame, she could not break free of her restraints. She also spared Rickie’s life when given an opportunity to bite him. Rickie never really approved of the continued rape of the girl, so one could suspect that she spared him as he did not violate her. That is kind of un-zombie like. Zombies generally are mindless. However there are no really established “rules” about the zombie world in the film. She is the only one and we are not told how she became the way she was, so for all we know, zombies might actually have a sense of reciprocity in this film’s universe.

There are a few things that I really like about this film. The biggest one is the fact that we have no idea how this girl became a zombie. Therefore, as I previously mentioned, we don’t know what the “rules” are. Obviously biting turns you, but apparently sex does not. I found that incredibly intriguing. Was she the last of a zombie apocalypse that happened? If so, why was she left alive, and what happened to the people that left her alive? Was she the first of a potential apocalypse, but contained before starting one? I very much liked the choice to leave that not addressed. I also liked Noah Segan, who played J.T. I like it when a psychopath is not played as over the top. He did not do this at all. He also had excellent comedic timing and delivery, as much of his later dialogue is evil funny.

The gripes are many. Until they find the girl, this film is VERY boring. I actually thought an hour passed but when I checked, it had only been twenty minutes. Absolutely no character development. This is especially annoying because Segan was so good. He is immediately a demented psychopath and sociopath.  There should have been a progression to that point. Also, there is no back story for anyone. The closest we get is seeing the drunk boyfriend of Rickie’s mother. This limits your emotional involvement. While the performances are enjoyable, you don’t really care who lives or dies. Also, demented as someone is, really? Sex is your first thought when finding a girl wrapped in plastic? I’m not even going to get in to why that doesn’t make sense. Here’s perhaps the most perplexing part of the film: the girl escapes and we see her running outside. However, the movie continues and life appears to be normal. Would there not be a FUCKING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE GOING ON? Besides the fact that she escaped, she bit a guy in the dick, and he didn’t die. He went back to school, shit out an intestine and is referenced as being in the hospital or something, but surely he would have bitten some folks as well. There really should have been some more zombies by movie’s end.

This film deals with issues of peer pressure, alienation, love, popularity and control with one of the most bizarre story lines I have ever run across. I found myself liking some of it, but ultimately, its flaws outweigh it’s successes. I recommend a viewing of it, however. It is not a waste of time by any means, and you are sure to find some enjoyment out of it.

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**THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS**

If watching Inside can be expressly cautioned for pregnant women and generally squeamish people, Grace is the natural extension of that film putting to film the notion that I am sure all new mothers wonder: “What if my baby is really a bloodsucking demon/zombie child?”

Directed by Paul Solet, Grace is a feature length version of his short of the same name and concept starring Brian Austin Green and Liza Weil as soon-to-be new parents Jimmy and Madeline. Sadly Jimmy (well, Michael in the full-length) dies in a car accident which also leaves Madeline badly hurt and the baby dead as well. Some either miraculous or creepy event happens after Madeline carries the deceased child to term but it comes back to life as she attempts to breastfeed it. She then shuts herself in with no one but her midwife Patricia to turn to when Grace starts taking a liking to Mommy’s blood rather than the breastmilk.

Even though I had not seen the short film (but who wouldn’t with BAG in it??) or read too terribly much about the film, I was aware of the basis for the plot thus it is kind of a spoiler but not really. I mean, you probably can take a really good guess from the poster alone. Really even though Grace is the driving force in the movie, it hinges on the lengths that Madeline, a vegan mother who preferred to spend her days watching the dead animal carcass channel, will go to to ensure the “health” of her child. Seeing as how the bulk of the story seems to take place in the course of just a few months after the birth, this is not as much a killer kid movie as it is a look at denial and delusions and what some people will do for their children.

Madeline is played here by Jordan Ladd and was a strong choice for the character as she and her actions take up a bulk of the film. Some of the strongest performances come in the weeks after Grace’s birth where Madeline is not only depressed over the loss of her husband and worn out from attending to the needs of a newborn but also joyous for the miracle baby. In many instances, these emotions are present and overlapping as one might expect a woman in her situation would have. Even as Madeline discovers Grace’s hunger and begins to sacrifice her health for the baby, she begins to waste away like a malnourished child in a third-world country. Madeline’s mother-in-law played by Gabrielle Rose is overbearing and likely just as deranged (in a less homicidal way) as a post-menopausal woman who still expresses breast milk with a pump hidden in her son’s former room. She poses a menacing presence to Grace’s secret as she is constantly pestering Madeline and sending people to check on her and the baby.

For a movie that was expanded from a six minute short, it does not feel padded as the pacing is brisk and the movie clocks in at less than an hour and a half. One element that seemed either thrust into the original story or one that was not expanded past what was in the original short was of Patricia, the midwife played by Samantha Ferris. She is in a great deal of the first act of the film but is conspicuously absent not long after the birth, dodging Madeline’s phone calls yet acting all stalker-y sitting outside the house. A love affair the two women had is fleetingly mentioned and then not paid off until the end of the film. I certainly would have preferred to see Patricia involved in the task of handling Grace throughout the movie as opposed to just appearing moments before the ending scene. One thing that I did like was the uncertainty about Grace and if she was really alive or if everything was in Madeline’s mind. The ambiguity is ushered by flies constantly gathering around Grace, phantom stinky smells with no corresponding baby output, and no one interacting with her other than Madeline. Some may point to the doctor’s visit as evidence that Grace is really alive as he hears sounds that she makes but I would even chalk that up to the fact that Madeline was crazy as fuck and could have a tape recording playing to help her delusions. Maybe at the end even Patricia is in on it. Who knows?

Grace was a good movie as even without a large amount of deaths it had some gore but mostly an unnerving message. There may be a dig in there at veganism as a non-meat-eating mother will go to the ends of the earth to destroy humans to feed her child but even without the social subtext it is quite disturbing. This is almost a perfect compliment to Inside, this time complete with a cameo by producer Adam Green. Just make sure to get your jollies on after seeing it.

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***THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS***

Way back on Episode #2 (look how young we are!), Puck mentions a movie called Inside (À l’intérieur). At the time of the filming of that episode, I had not seen the movie.  In this episode he claims that the movie is gory. Yes. Yes it is.

Sarah, who is pregnant, and her husband Matthieu are involved in a car accident. Matthieu does not survive. Four months later, on Christmas Eve, an extremely depressed Sarah is at her doctor’s office for an appointment. The doctor tells her to come back the next day and they may induce her. He sends her home, telling her to “enjoy your last night of peace and quiet.” This is quite the opposite of what happens. While alone in her house, there is a knock on Sarah’s door. A woman needs to use the phone. Sarah, not wanting to be bothered, and perhaps just not wanting to let anyone in due to riots going on, tells the woman that her husband is sleeping and does not wish to wake him. The woman then calls Sarah by her name and tells her that she knows that her husband is dead. The woman eventually get in to the house and begins her task of taking Sarah’s unborn child, mainly through use of scissors.

There are a lot of things that should cause great dismay in this picture, yet it is oddly compelling. The very suggestion of a woman who is 9 months pregnant that is in the middle of a violent bloodbath, of which she is the central target, is not necessarily an enchanting sales pitch. However, the movie does keep you quite enthralled. Béatrice Dalle is simply fantastic as the revenge hyper driven woman at the door. She is just as twisted, menacing and psychotic as any man you will run across. The very first image in the film we see of a baby in the womb, and it’s reaction to the car accident. During various point of the film, when Sarah is engaged in combat, we again see these images of the fetus reacting to what’s happening. This is part of what keeps you from turning away even when the gore is at it’s worst. Your desire for Sarah and the child to survive is stronger as we see the helpless child reacting to stimuli. Also, the need to know who this woman is keeps you watching as well.  The deaths are quite brutal and on camera, and though the blood may spew forth like a fountain at times, the gore is rather realistic and not over done at all. There were a few things that did not make sense. At one point the police (who earlier were advised to check on Sarah during the night) stop by and the woman answers the door (Sarah has locked herself in the bathroom) pretending to be Sarah. At first the officers, suspect nothing and start to leave. Out of nowhere, they realize that the woman who answered the door was not pregnant and return. Knowing that something is afoot, at a house where an attempted break in was reported earlier, the choose not to detain the woman right away and let her stand there with one officer. After discovering something is going on, a third officer in the car decides to go in, with their arrestee attached to him by leash.  I found that a little odd, that a cop would take a perp in to a situation with gunfire involved. There is a ton of things that are questionable in here, especially the likelihood of Sarah’s baby surviving the accident and then the events of that night. I am not a physician, but that thought crossed my mind a couple of times.  However, in the end, it isn’t really that bothersome as the general vagueness of the “universe” of the film outside of this Christmas Eve allows for anything to be possible.

A definite must watch for gore fans, as it will not disappoint. You have been warned, however: it is a bit stabby.

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I guess I can excuse the fact that this installment took place in space, since that’s where Critters began. That’s more believable than going from Crystal Lake to space.

Critters 4 opens with an inaccurately re-shot scene from the end of part 3 where Charlie has been advised to wait for a pod sent from the Intergalactic Council. There is a space law that says you cannot kill the last of any species, and a holographic Ug tells Charlie not to destroy the last 2 Krite eggs. As Charlie is loading the eggs in the pod, he gets trapped in it and is taken to space. 53 years later, in the year 2045, the pod is discovered floating around by the crew of a salvage ship, and they take it. They are unable to determine what is in it, but they find the logo of Terracrop. They speak to Ug, who is now Counselor Tetra of  Terracorp. He explains that he will meet the crew at a space station not far from them. While waiting, a jerk crew member opens the pod with a space laser gun and out pops Charlie. Also, the Krite eggs have hatched. And the terror begins!

I don’t know what idiot told the filmmakers of this franchise that the character of Charlie is funny or interesting, but they were wrong. He is possibly the most boring recurring character ever. I will give Critters 4 some compliments. First, it is better than part 3. Not that it is a difficult feat to accomplish, but I do like it when a sequel is better than the previous installment. Second, the acting was much more tolerable. You have Angela Bassett and Brad Dourif, but even the actors I had never heard of were quite competent. Also, the Critters were more sinister and less “funny.” In fact, the overall tone of the movie was more serious than comical, which worked well. What did not work well? For one thing, only seeing the Critters twice in the first hour of the fourth part of a series named CRITTERS. The effects were pretty lame. Ethan freezes a Crite and then tells him to “chill out.”

Things I learned from Critters 4: In 2045, black and white Western movies are not only readily available, but popular with the young folks (I actually think this was used specifically as an excuse to use a slide guitar in the score and it be relevant). Gum is one of the best props ever. Brad Dourif chews gum like an Olympian. You know how really cool people chew gum and somewhat over exaggerate it when they speak to accentuate how cool they are? Brad is a Jedi master of this art. When you have a clear opportunity to escape, it is best to linger around and thus be susceptible to attack. TWICE.

It’s not crap. In fact, it is the second best of the series. Now, who’s ready to reboot?

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***THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS. NOT FOR CRITTERS 3, BUT FOR FEAST III.***

Have you seen Leonardo DiCaprio’s latest film, Inception? If not, what the hell are you waiting for, but if so, I invite you to check out his first film (if you have not already), Critters 3. Not because it is good, but so you can suffer the same pain I have.

The only thing Critters 3 has to do with the first two films, is that there are Critters, and a bit of back story given by Charlie, who was made Sheriff of Grover’s Bend in Critters 2. This film does not take place in Grover’s Bend, however. Clifford, his son Johnny and teen daughter Annie are travelling home when they get a flat tire and pull into a rest stop. Johnny is chasing his Frisbee when he runs in to an older kid named Josh (DiCaprio). While in the woods, Charlie jumps out and gives the aforementioned back story to remind us all that we are in a Critters sequel. He in fact, is hunting the remaining Critters. As formula dictates, the kids think he is a loon and dismiss his story as insane rambling. As they are leaving the rest stop, we get the impression that Josh’s step dad is an ass, and we see that there are Krite eggs under Clifford’s truck. As movie fate would have it, Clifford and his kids live in a run down apartment, and the landlord is Josh’s  step father. So guess what? Krites invade the apartment complex and Annie and Josh become fast friends. Also, some other unfunny, not scary, boring crap with other people happens.

There are a lot of similarities between this and Feast III. Both movies have characters that have nothing to do with the plot and do not push story along. Critters 3 introduces us to Marsha. She has a few lines, helps a little bit, but ultimately gets hung upside down out the window for most of her screen time. Both films draw attention to creatures’ asses. In Feast III we watch a demon crap out the head of Honey Pie. In Critters 3, the Crites eat a bunch of chili and the obligatory flatulence commences. Both films are useless pieces of shit.  I wonder if the Feast series used the Critters series as an example to follow. There really isn’t anything good about this installment. It is a complete mess, much like a Krite egg after it gets broken. The acting is horrible, the directing sucks. Leo is good, I guess, but everyone else is really bad. It wasn’t funny, and what little elements of horror this franchise began with are all gone. This film was released in 1991, and looking at Leo’s costume and haircut reminded me of a simpler time of surfing and grunge music. And speaking of music, the score was at such a low volume, I didn’t even hear it until near the end of the film. As if to infuriate me further, when the movie was “over,” I was forced in to watching the film halfway through the credits, so that I could watch the set up for the fourth installment. Interestingly enough, the end of Feast III actually mentions a possible fourth film in that series.

Why let the similarities end there? Avoid this at all costs, too.

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