The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the first of many remakes by Platinum Dunes. While I feel it is better than most of their others, I still question the need of making any sequel, remake or otherwise to the original.

In this “chapter,” we are taken to August 18, 1973, two days before the police archive video we watch takes place, complimented with narration by, once again, John Larroquette. 5 young people are travelling to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert in a van all stoned and having a good time. The driver, Kemper (Eric Balfour), almost hits a girl wandering in the middle of the rural road they are travelling. They pick her up, only to be subjected to her ramblings about a “bad man” and eventually her suicide, via a handgun produced from her crotch. Traumatized they attempt to find local law enforcement in the backwoods that they are travelling in and come across a gas station. The old lady working there says that the sheriff is at the mill but he will be there in 2 hours. Not wanting to haul around a carcass, the group of young people seek out the mill, with the hitchhiker’s body in tow. They come across a young boy, who tells them that the sheriff is at home getting drunk. Erin (Jessica Biel) and Kemper go the house, which merely produces an amputee in a wheelchair, who states that the sheriff does not live there, but Erin, and only Erin may go in to use the phone to call the sheriff. She is told that he will be there in 30 minutes, but he (R. Lee Ermey) actually shows up at the mill, “investigates,” and wraps up the hitchhiker’s body in cling wrap, stuffs her in the trunk  and drives off. While this is going on, Kemper is killed by Leatherface (now called Thomas Hewitt, as opposed to just Leatherface, or  Leatherface “Bubba” Sawyer, Leatherface  ”Junior” Sawyer or Leatherface Slaughter as he has been up to this point) unbeknown to Erin as she makes her way back to the mill. Guess what? More chainsaw massacre!

I am really over this shit. Not only does the bizarrely weird timeline of this franchise bother me, I just don’t get the point of going on. I mean, I can buy that this one could be an attempt to redeem the series from where it went awry, but even so I can’t help but compare it to the original from which it is a supposed remake. If I do that, it sucks. Indeed, there are not many films (of any genre) if any at all, that compare to such a film as the 1974 original.

As an autonomous horror film, it isn’t bad. Jessica Biel, and everyone else is good.  I mean it doesn’t stand out, but it plays the formula well. False scares, gruesome murders. But, the original is special (at least to me). Why keep attaching its name? Oh, I see. Because Leatherface is in every one. Doesn’t matter that he seems to float through time and end up with different families.  Doesn’t matter that the story may change or stay the same or even be non linear; as long as his name is on it, who gives a shit? Well, it bothers me. And as each one applies the TCM name, it just angers me more that it is related to such a perfect film as the original.

I mean, Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th (both remade by Platinum Dunes) were not aesthetically great films, but their sequels were in kind. The original Chainsaw was a brilliant vision. Years ahead of the aforementioned less quality sequelheads, and it just seems to be an insult a chapter.

You could definitely do worse as a horror film in general, but this remake only serves to show the gore that the original did not (and incidentally was so successful for not showing) in quite a less tension filled execution. It really feels like we are getting robbed more, each film after another.

Original publication date: August 20, 2010

As I walked around the office today telling people that I had seen Piranha 3D…well, let’s be honest, bragging that I had seen it, every single person said the same thing to me: “Oh, that movie looks terrible.” Well, yes. Yes it is. It’s fucking Piranha.

As if the plot mattered, this incarnation of Piranha starts with Richard Dreyfuss playing Matt Boyd drinking an Amity beer. If you see this and don’t immediately understand that the following film will be nothing but a tongue in cheek, referenced ladened gore fest, then leave the theater immediately and go see Dinner for Schmucks. You obviously need your humor unfunny, and force fed to you. An underwater earthquake occurs and releases a swarm of a particular species of piranha that has not been seen in millions of years. Meanwhile, above the water at Lake Victoria, thousands flock for Spring Break, providing the obligatory hedonism required before a masked killer or hungry fish lay waste to the area. Loud music, wet t-shirt contests, booze, drugs, and a Girls Gone Wild type video being shot all provide the soon to be blood splattered red canvas that Alexandre Aja uses to paint the awesomest magic eye picture I have ever seen.  That’s right. Awesomest.

Inception has an interesting defense against supposed plot holes. There is one interpretation of it in which the entirety of the movie takes place in a dream, thus making plot holes, not holes at all, but rather part of some bizarre dream. Piranha 3D has a similar defense against its flaws. They’re supposed to be there. Bad acting? It’s Piranha. Formulaic horror tactics? Piranha! It’s because of this that it would be a waste of time to point out any flaws in this film. It’s part of a package. The gratuitous nudity and gore, the bad dialogue, the Jaws references. And while the 3D didn’t necessarily enhance the viewing experience, it was a genius move to convert it. This is the perfect movie to do that with. It was like the blood red bow on the package. I will admit, however, there was one instance in which I jumped due to a flying object coming at me. I remained motionless amidst dozens of decapitations and entrails galore, but a 3D object made me jump. All the acting was just above distraction level so as not to take you out of the film, but also so that there was no pointless deep characterizations. It’s all surface. I mean, really, the best advice I can give you is, don’t take the film seriously at all. Go into it expecting over the top ridiculousness. The audience Puck and I were in were clapping at some of the most disgusting things (when they weren’t yelling “1.21 gigawatts!” every time Christopher Lloyd was on screen).

Other cast include Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Eli Roth, Jerry O’Connell and a porn star (in 3D!).

Aja is fast becoming one of my favorite directors, what with High Tension, his remake of The Hills Have Eyes, and now this. This film delivers pure mindless entertainment and will most certainly leave its mark on you. Highly Recommended.

Apparently I’ve been avoiding news about the planned Three Stooges feature written and directed by the Farrelly Brothers. With articles dating back to mid-2009, the previous idea was to have Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro, and Jim Carrey star as the misfit trio. Since then, Carrey and Penn have left the project and now the race is on to find replacements before the film’s scheduled March production start.

But I really don’t care. And here’s why:

Considering the amount of films made from old TV shows, this movie has a black flag on it from the start. While that may not be fair, there are far more I Spy or Bewitched adaptations as opposed to decent ones like Get Smart.

The fact that the Farrelly Brothers have been wildly uneven in their filmmaking career does not instill too much confidence in the project either. While I enjoyed Dumb and Dumber and There’s Something About Mary, most of their other films (especially in the recent years) do not come close to those films’ inane hilarity as it seems they like making comedies but have forgotten to include anything actually funny.

Lastly, I just don’t like the Three Stooges. Granted, watching Lethal Weapon or Short Circuit is responsible for most of my exposure to the group but I just don’t see the humor in their juvenile shenanigans as they are punched in the stomach or slapped in the face. This is not to say that my taste in humor is highbrow, I do like Not Another Teen Movie for god’s sake, but the Stooges’ act looked superficial and just physical humor for the sake of it.

Of course, the film hasn’t even started production yet so I will withhold all of my vitriole until after seeing what is to come. But have I just not seen enough Stooges to appreciate the gag? Am I prejudging based on the track record of previous TV-to-film adaptations? Or am I thinking about this too much and should just get a beer?

This is probably a little late, but here is video that apparently was made to try and get Warner Brothers to green light a Mortal Kombat re-imagining. Check it out:

So I was thinking about how most movies that are released nowadays are a bunch of remakes, re imaginings or regurgitations  of something from days of olde (or in some cases, not). I drifted off to a simpler time. A time of Garbage Pail Kids and Saturday Morning Cartoons. I started remembering some pretty awesome and questionable shows that I used to watch that I would not mind seeing on the big screen. So here are 9 of them, in no particular order.

1. M.A.S.K. The acronym stands for Mobile Armoured Strike Kommand. That’s a bit of a reach. Anyway, they fight the forces of V.E.N.O.M. , or Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem. I think it is clear who has the better name. The leader of V.E.N.O.M. is responsible for the leader of M.A.S.K.’s brother’s death. This conflict is the basis of the show. The “gag,” I guess, of it was that the vehicles that they all drove, turned into other vehicles. For example, a motorcyle turned into a helicopter. No really an original idea, but still a good show. My favorite part though was the opening sequence. I can’t find this version on the internet, but basically, the team would be summoned to assemble by their watches. The opening showed them doing their regular jobs (i.e. karate instructor, judge), getting the call, and then just up and leaving. And the theme song was just terrible terrible funny.

2. Silverhawks.It will come up. Once the Thundercats movie is out, someone will greenlight Silverhawks. Silverhawks was very similar to Thundercats in a few ways. Some of the cast of both shows were the same. Villian in Thundercats: Mum Ra. Silverhawks: Mon Star. They both turn into another “person.” Sliverhawks took place in space and had possibly one of the dumbest ideas for a weapon: An electric guitar that shoots musical notes from it. It’s played by Bluegrass, who I guess is the “country” Silverhawk.

3. InHumanoids. This show was badass. The Inhumanoids lived under ground and they start to wreak havoc on the surface. There is a team of underground explorers called Earth Corp. in these crazy suits that work to destroy them. Awesome.

4. Danger Mouse. Hell yeah! Mouse secret agent that lives where Sherlock Holmes lives (well, his mailbox)! Fighting Baron Greenback! Remember? This show was awesome, and if you disagree, you are wrong.

5. Bananaman. The premise? Ridiculous. But delightful nonetheless. Eric Wimp (ha!), gets his power from bananas, usually brought to him by his friend (a crow), hence the name of his alter-ego. He had various enemies, one of which was named Appleman.

6. Mister T. That’s right, I want him to reprise his role as a gymnastic coach solving mysteries in a live action movie. And I swear to God, if they cast Zac Efron or a Jonas Brother as one of the kids…well, let’s just say I pity the fool that does that.

7. Mighty Max. This show was really well written. I remember it being funny, and smart. Max is the “cap-bearer” and has to protect the Earth from Skullmaster (Tim Curry!), a task that he less than desires. He would travel with his pals Virgil and Norman, the latter of which is his bodyguard.

8. Cow and Chicken. Cow (girl) and Chicken (boy) are sister and brother, and are in fact a cow and chicken, but their “parents” are human. I put that in quotes only because their parents seemed to not have bodies, from the waist up. This show was really bizarre and somewhat disturbing, which is precisely why I like it. Obviously, this would probably not be live action.

9. Tigersharks. This also was developed by Rankin/Bass, who were responsible for the aforementioned Thundercats and Silverhawks. I called them chumps before, and they are, but, I would like to see a movie just so I could here someone cover that awesome, awesome theme song.

Fresh on the heels of our upcoming remake/reboot/bootmagining episode comes a spate of news, photos, and information for the latest revisit to a horror franchise, A Nightmare on Elm Street. As I have previously said, I hold the entire Nightmare series very highly regarded, weak parts and all from my nostalgic recollection of them.

My fear though was and still remains to be that the re-whatever will end up being underwhelming like Friday the 13th, also remade by the same production company Platinum Dunes. It now appears that my fears are founded in reality. Ain’t It Cool News has a spoiler-filled review that pretty much eviscerates the film. In fact, in looking at the released production photos, it seems that the overall concept of the film has remained intact, with scenes looking almost identical to the original. Now, there is more of an origin story for Freddy which I am happy about but if the movie ends up destroying any hopes I had of a new and goodNightmare movie in my lifetime, I could have just stuck with the episode of Freddy’s Nightmares instead.

So, it might be a little too late as it is set to premiere April 30 but I hope that any flaws of the movie can be addressed and corrected. Regardless though, I will be seeing the movie on opening day despite any negative reviews I read in hopes that everyone else is just wrong. God, I hope everyone is wrong.

Ever seen Death at a Funeral? Did you like it? Want to see a remake roughly 3 years after the original, with say, Chris Rock? Well, your wish has been granted, watch the trailer. Come on, man, 3 years? Are you serious? And there wasn’t anything wrong with the first one. In fact, it is a textbook example of a farce, right up the with A Flea in Her Ear and Noises Off! Hey, I got an idea. Captain America comes out in 2011, let’s go ahead an remake that.

I saw Mannequin in the theater.

They are going to reboot this film. It better have Johnathan Silverman in it. For as you can see, the first one had Andrew McCarthy, and the second had Terry Kiser. So, in order to complete the Triumvirate, a reboot, remake or sequel, it must have Johnathan Silverman. Sadly, I do not think it will. Instead, it will apparently star Zac Efron. I assume that this will mean it will be some kind of gay musical, that pre-teens will rush to see. If it is, I demand that they use “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship, which basically melted the cheese that was the first film.

If you haven’t seen this movie, first, you should thank what ever deity you throw money at on your day of worship. Second, here’s the basic story. Kim Cattrall is an ancient Egyptian who is cursed and turned in to a Mannequin and ends up in the future (1987) and can only come to life when Johnathan (coincidence?) Switcher is around. They work together to make the department store that Switcher works in the most successful in town. Brilliant.

I should be furious at this, but after thinking about it, it could be worse. They could remake it instead of reboot it, which would involve trying to recast the un-recastable. There is absolutely no way that anyone other than Meshach Taylor could play Hollywood. It would be a crime against humanity to have someone other than Estelle Getty play Ms. Timkin. And if anyone ever dares to recast any role played by Andrew McCarthy, they should be stoned to death. That being said, I am glad that it is a reboot, and cannot wait until they hip it up, and make a then irrelevant movie even more irrelevant to the young people, who will rub themselves to the thought of Zac Effron. You know what would be really funny? Have Kim Catrall play the mannequin again.

Now, there are not very many details at this point so it is possible that this is just an empty threat from Hollywood, but Moviehole states Bernie Lomax may be resurrected to then die and pretend to be alive in a remake to PBF’s beloved ultimate comfort movie Weekend at Bernie’s. Could this be the chance for Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman to relive their fame and recover their fortune from the original film? Or will we have to suffer with actors lacking in the charisma to pull off the absurd plot of the film? So many questions, so little answers. Perhaps there can be a double feature between this and the remake of Mannequin as two movies which shouldn’t have been made the first time, let alone remade.

When the FOX network was just a little girl, she had a delightful program that I rather enjoyed called 21 Jump Street. Stephen J. Cannell was such a genius. If you are only a casual fan of Johnny Depp, or are just not familar with this part of his resume, do yourself a favor and check out a few episodes. But try to remember it took place in the late 80′s and early 90′s. While he had already been in A Nightmare on Elm Street and a few other things, if you look at his resume, he career pretty much took off after Jump Street. This show was about some cops that looked young enough to pass as a high school students, so they would go undercover and form friendships with troubled youths and tear those friendships in to pieces by revealing that they were cops, and arresting them or their friends. They would tackle serious issues like drug use, AIDS, depression, and others. Fairly often there would be a PSA style message after the show, presented by the actors, ala G.I. Joe. I was a pretty big fan of this show. I remember the episode Orpheus 3.3, in which Johnny Depp’s character, Tom Hanson and his girlfriend Amy are in a convenience store that gets robbed and Amy get shot and killed. Hanson becomes consumed with guilt, thinking that he should have been able to do something. He watches and re watches the surveillance video of the shooting over and over, and isolates the incident down to 3.3 seconds. Clearly deranged, he starts figuring out all the things that one can do in that same amount of time, such as how many times you can ring a doorbell, opening beer cans, etc.

So, PBF, what in the hell does any of this have to do with Movie Scum? Well, jackass, there is a film version planned. Jonah Hill is apparently writing and producing it, and is so adamant about doing it his way, he has stated that he will walk if they do not let him. Accroding to Hill, “[Audiences are] not expecting what it’s going to be. It’s not a parody of the show. I’m not playing Johnny Depp’s character… It’s a group of people that go back to high school to deal with a drug problem. To deal with crime in high school.” That doesn’t sound too surprising, does it? “It’s a funny movie with a lot of great action and a real story. I’ve been saying that it’s like a John Hughes movie with Bad Boys style action.”

If in fact, it is not a parody, I am good with that. Jonah Hill? Uh, I guess I am not that worried. I mean, I don’t know if he can write, but he sure is funny. Just don’t be in it, Jonah. That would be inappropriate. And I swear to God, if Richard Grieco is in it, hostages will be taken.