I’m quite sure there were not a bunch of rabid fans demanding a sequel to 2008′s Quarantine, which if you recall was an almost shameless American rip-off of the Spanish film [REC]. Where [REC] was pretty well received and produced a decent sequel, Quarantine was merely an okay film bogged down by the fact that it fails at portraying supposedly real events with the polished and recognizable Hollywood actors. For that film’s sequel, writer/director John Pogue drops the found footage angle and sets up a storyline almost parallel to the events of the first. And it works for the most part.

I chuckle at direct-to-video titles since they seem to fall into the trap of either a) crap that no one should see ever or b) crap that no one should pay to see in a theater but is otherwise manageable. Quarantine 2 is more of the latter even though the direct-to-video distribution model has a stigma attached to it which may lead you to dismiss it more easily. None of the characters from the original return since they are, you know, ‘quarantined’ so this film is about a East coast bound plane from LAX that happens to house the virus, or whatever, from the first. Once an infected passenger starts biting the flight attendants and causing a ruckus, the plane is diverted and the passengers depart into a sealed off terminal. Mayhem ensues as the number of infected grow as the number of decent characters dwindle.

It is clearly obvious that this was always designed as a low-budget affair so I feel bad in picking on the film for that fact. It almost feels like picking on a club-footed kid for the way he walks since it isn’t really his fault. Even though Pogue has a scant amount of titles on his resume (most notable a film I hate with a deadly passion, The Skulls), he is able to use the low-budget pretty effectively even if that means a minimal amount of characters and a dearth of locales to venture in. Fortunately, the bulk of the movie does not take place on the plane but inside the airport terminal (Did you even catch the double entendre of Terminal?) which offers more hiding places for the zombies, err… infected people to jump out of. Even if some of the sets are puzzling (like a barren catering truck that for some reason is on a hydraulic jack), it provides the characters a few different places to hang out in to break up the monotony of run-rest-run that punctuates the story.

While the timeline that sets up the film betrays it, the story actually ties in nicely with that of the first film with one of the characters knowing a bit more about the sequestered apartment building than the rest. It is yet another deviation from the story of the original and its ‘sort of’ sequel [REC] 2 even if the human villain is a bit too expository than I would have cared for. Even though the story is rather clunky, the actors in charge of delivering it are good, or at least as good as you can get for a $4 million budget. Mercedes Masöhn turns in a good performance as the reluctant stewardess who steps into power after the other crew members are, well, rendered ineffective while Josh Cooke as the love interest/weird teacher guy is pretty one-note for the most part. I enjoyed Ignacio Serricchio as the random airport employee the most even though he does not have much to do other than lead the group to different places to try escaping.

It’s not Oscar-worthy or even worth a purchase but I will admit to having a case of the jumps or the creeps in appropriate scenes. Pogue uses the set-dressed terminal quite well in portraying a claustrophobic, yet open environment. Since it is available for $1 and change in Redbox or for free on Netflix, it’s worth giving Quarantine 2 a try. It’s not the best, but it’s far better than most zombie-esque movies available in the same venues.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows picks up close to where the last one left off. Holmes (Robert Downy Jr.) has spent an untold amount of time between films piecing together a continent wide conspiracy. With Watson (Jude Law) getting married, Holmes knows he has to finagle him into also being interested in the conspiracy. There have been bombings throughout Europe and Holmes concludes that his arch nemesis, Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris) is behind them. He safely stops one bomb just for the mark to be assassinated none the less by the hit man. During Watson’s bachelor party, Holmes sets out to collect more clues. Enter Noomi Rapace (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) as Madam Simza, the soothsayer. Fighting ensues and a disastrous and drunk evening winds up with a disheveled Watson late for his wedding the following day. Holmes is used to being the smartest man in the chase until he tangles again with Moriarty. The professor is always two steps ahead and not shy of grand gestures to aid Holmes in meeting his maker even if innocents are hurt. The great reveal comes with Moriarty admitting that even if he didn’t start the world war he was fine taking the world over financially with supplying the weapons to maintain the wars’ destructiveness. Throughout the film, the history is slightly tweaked to fit the plot and help the audience make sense of it all. The climax and confrontation is set (where else would it be in a comic book style storyline) at the Summit Meeting between the nations.

Downy’s performance is successful in delivering the quirky, intelligent, animated, lovable performance that we received from the first film. With Law bringing his cynical, realistic outlook on life attitude back they are a match still made in heaven. There’s been some time since such a male pair shared such charisma and elegance on screen together. They both put their best feet forward. The only downside, for the writing more so than performance, is there was no depth given to Holmes’ character. There were instances where you know there is going to be more than his intellectual insanity but it fell away as quick as it appeared. Watson seemed to see through the exterior but it was never delved into further than him acknowledging non-verbally that it there. Frustratingly, there is an entire underdeveloped subplot with Watson being married at the end of their adventure that would have left Sherlock alone in the flat which could have been used to really define Sherlock’s need for companionship. The loneliness behind his smile should have been given some room to be explored. However, It was still a very well put together action film.

Noomi’s character should have been given more of a role than just a plot device as her talent was not used to the best of her ability. I guess when coming from such a spectacular trilogy maybe it was a personal choice to cross over to the American cinema with this type of role. She is not bad by any means and she still works well with what she was given but there should have been more provided for her character. When you take such a strong actor and give them a mediocre role it shadows their true talent. Harris kicks in the door with his performance. I have never loved and hated a character so much. He is a genius in his evil, super villain with pizzazz role. You began to root for him and his despicably absurd ploy for financial world domination. With what we know of Moriarty I was shocked that it look so long for the hand-to-hand combat to come. His devilishly handsome and overly confident self meets Holmes move for move to leave us holding our breath as they get close to the edge of the falls.

The entire film is action and adventure sprinkled with dialogue and great direction. There are moments like when they get to the Summit that seem a little dragged out to make up for too many fighting sequences. The attention to detail is lacking in the action sequences and some may never notice but I did. Sherlock Holmes resides in Britain for most of his life, so why is it that he has an Eastern fighting style? I understand it is what most movie goers these days expect but that little anachronism changes the way I see the Guy Ritchie franchise of the great detective. It is why there is so much action in the movie bringing the film more current than the actual setting to appease the audiences. If some of the extraneous scenes were dropped the two-hour-plus movie wouldn’t have felt more like three. Ritchie stayed true to his form with the slow motion this-is-what-went-down technique and flash backs to cover what had previously happened but was skipped temporarily in the film. Over all it was a very enjoyable film and I would say it is slightly better than the original but sets expectations higher for a third installment to set itself apart from this film.

I’ve already said my piece (twice actually) regarding The Hangover Part II, namely that I would not cry if it died in a blazing inferno. No such luck though as the film was released last Memorial Day weekend to buckets of money being thrown at it. I guess that means we can expect another sequel in a year and a half or so much to my chagrin since this entry was just like the first, except not funny.

Perhaps that is too harsh. Perhaps Hangover II is in fact funny but I was too biased to notice. I don’t think that is the case though unless you equate lazy storytelling with funny. Much like the last film, there is a wedding involved, the “Wolfpack” getting into trouble with the locals and the authorities, a missing member of the group, a new addition to the group (this time there are three in fact), and shenanigans as our leads attempt to piece together the previous night’s events. And there is even a random song from Ed Helms and an appearance by Mike Tyson. What a coincidence! At this point, I can’t tell if writer/director Todd Phillips and co-writers Craig Mazin and Scot Armstrong are merely trying to emulate the first film or just have nothing else for our trio of Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis, and Helms to do other than recreate the first.

My chief concern for this film, even just hearing about it during production, was that it would be a soulless cash grab missing any of the “charm” of the original. The fact that the main cast members (except Heather Graham, sad) returned was remarkable to avoid a painful recasting or written-out character. From the acting front, everything still clicked as Cooper, Galifianakis, and Helms have a good chemistry together which makes the events fairly easy to watch. Ken Jeong randomly reemerges as Chow but he was quite entertaining in his brief screentime. Even Doug (Justin Bartha) returns although he is left out of the fun and games but not because he is the missing person. That honor goes to Mason Lee as Teddy, who is Stu’s soon-to-be brother-in-law but his interactions with the gang are few thus making his disappearance not as impactful as Doug’s in the first.

So while the cast was good enough here, the really issue lies with the story which is just a shameless rip-off of the original. Many of the scenes that originally drew big laughs from myself and I’d imagine many others are almost painstakingly recreated here which just leads to a yawn and fond rememberance of a film that was wild and unpredictable, as opposed to this film that was unpredictable only in how many callbacks to the first it could jam into the 1 hour 40 minute running time. While I didn’t pick up on the location of Teddy like Stu did (although that seemed a bit forced as well), pretty much everything else in the film is so predictable and easy to see coming. That is of course unless you haven’t watched the original.

Everything else on a technical level was sound with quite impressive shots of not only the gritty, urban Bangkok locale but also of the remote private Thailand island where the wedding is to take place. Honestly, it was the end of the film which solidified that I did not care for this movie with the random realization of where Teddy is, followed by Alan taking control of a speedboat to get back to the wedding (nothing can go wrong, right?), and then Stu finally standing up to his douche of a father-in-law. It all seemed so forced and convenient since the rest of the movie has established that everything will happen just like the first so we know that Stu’s nuptials are not in any real danger.

Whereas I liked the first Hangover because it was crass, silly, and unexpected, I dislike its sequel because it has all of those same characteristics but nothing else to bring to the table. Was it funny learning that Stu has “semen in him?” Quite. The random monk beating Helms and Cooper with a cane? Pretty funny. But there are so few moments in this film that are not almost directly lifted from its predecessor to make it anything more than Hollywood’s poster child for churning out sequels that no one (well, maybe just me) wants to see.

I caught a lot of crap at work for “liking” the Final Destination series. Primarily, this is coming from a guy who proclaims his favorite movie ever is the original Saw, so I consider his opinion moot. Given the unevenness of the series, I would say “tolerate” is a more appropriate verb for my feelings on these films. That seems fair since Final Destination films seem to range from pretty good, like the original, to the offensively stupid, such as a large chunk of part 3 and all of part 4. Since the various writers and directors of the previous four films seem to have moved on, Final Destination 5‘s writer Eric Heisserer and director Steven Quale have almost a blank canvas to create on.

The synopses part of these reviews almost seem rote now but if you’ve seen any of the previous films, you know the gist. In this case, Sam (Nicholas D’Agosto) has a vision of a cataclysmic bridge collapse on the way to his company’s team building retreat. He manages to get everyone off the bus only for them all to get made dead via collapsing bridge decks, swinging suspension cables, or random sailboats. Fearing his premonition, Sam manages to get his girlfriend Molly (Emma Bell), friend Peter (Miles Fisher) and other company folk off the bridge before it collapses. From then, they all die. This is not a spoiler. This is expected for this type of film.

With five films in the can now, the main hook of the Final Destination series is undoubtedly the deaths and the almost far-fetched yet somewhat conceivable ways that people can die. On that front, FD5 is almost tame in respect to some of the other films as many of the deaths are fairly straight-forward bad luck such as the flying wrench to the skull or crushing blow to the head from Buddha. Only one sequence really sticks out as the typical Rube-Goldbergian style that the series is built on. This scene though in a gymnasium is full of misdirection and red herrings (not sure that this applies here but we’ll go with it) that make the final outcome completely out of the blue, especially since this part was featured heavily in the trailers.

In the review for FD3, I remarked: “it is clear for me that what makes a Final Destination good as opposed to just mediocre are the characters.” FD4 (or THE Final Destination if you must) was shit because it completely disregards characters entirely for stupid gross-out gory moments and deaths. FD5 though walks the thin line not seen since the second between characters you actually care about and over-the-top death scenes. Here we have a good few minutes to get introduced to the characters and their histories and dynamics before they are almost playing on death’s swing set. While it might seem minor, the fact that Sam and Molly are on the rocks or that Olivia is self-conscious about her glasses are far more beneficial than just padding the film’s runtime. Unlike the last film, we can connect with these characters to some extent and can appreciate their relationships or worries which make their inevitable deaths just a bit more impactful.

It certainly helps greatly that we have professional actors in the film as opposed to the bottom-of-the-casting-barrel detritus that turned up last time. I don’t know why but I am a fan of D’Agosto, probably stretching back to his performance in Election. #pbf’s unrequited love Emma Bell is no slouch either as the love interest and final girl of the group. And Jacqueline MacInnes Wood is quite fetching. And a good actress to boot! In fact, all of the cast including Courtney B. Vance and David Koechner are believable in their respective roles even though Vance’s random agent seems a bit ridiculous since he is trying to blame a natural bridge collapse on Sam.

Vance’s role seemed to be a not very well conceived callback to the first where Alex is suspected of involvement in the airplane blowing up. That worked, to an extent, in that film but the notion that a mild-mannered guy could cause a freak natural disaster bridge collapse is stretching things a bit. There are other underlying callbacks to the first with the mentions of Paris and occurrences of the number 180 but there was no moment where the survivors figured out how their situation tied into the first film which was almost a staple in this series (the last film notwithstanding to my recollection.) Yet, without giving too much away, the final sequence ties in nicely with Devon Sawa and Kerr Smith from the original in a way I was pretty happy with.

At this rate, there isn’t too much new that can be done with these films but I was pleasantly surprised with how effectively Heisserer and Quale are able to balance the characters with the expected death scenes. Given that this was an online rental, I did not have the benefit of 3D while watching it but the effects sans one dimension were great (especially with the opening bridge collapse) so I was not missing too much. If I had to pick, I’d probably put this entry on par with part 2. It’s amazing how having realistic, albeit someone douchey, characters can make a mindless movie like this so much more enjoyable.

Let me just start off by saying how thankful I am that there is not another colon before the ‘Ghost Protocol’ subtitle. I think that would irritate me beyond belief, potentially to the point of not even doing a review at all. Whew. Crisis averted. Now as far as big-budget action franchises go, M:I has always been all over the place for me (and a lot of folk by the ratings and reviews). The first had its moments but was decried by some for its handling of establish characters from the TV series. I didn’t care about that so much but it had long stretches of nothing that my 14-year-old brain didn’t like. M:I 2 was much the same but with far too little talky parts and far too many random explosions and whiplash-inducing edits. M:I 3 I rather liked but I’ve only ever seen that once, on TNT or something, at 3 in the morning. So I’m not too qualified to make a firm declaration on that one.

As Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol got underway at the helm of Brad Bird (you know, the awesome director from likely your favorite Pixar films) and Jeremy Renner joining the cast, I was tempted from the start. The initial, and somewhat ongoing, talk was that Renner’s character Brandt was likely to take over for Captain Insano himself for any future installments. Anything that results in less Tom Cruise in my life is always a good thing. Sadly, I did not get to see this in IMAX which means that I didn’t get the DKR prologue (damn!) nor to experience some of the moments that others raved about. I can certainly imagine that those scenes would have been quite amazing in IMAX but I don’t think that the lack of a super-huge screen detracted from my enjoyment … at least not as much as the story.

At the start. we find Ethan Hunt (Insano Cruise himself) stuck in a Russian prison as the team of Jane (Paula Patton) and Benji (the returning Simon Pegg) are attempting to break him out. Of course they succeed since the opening credits have not even begun and Hunt is quickly thrust into a mission to retrieve files from the Kremlin. Things go awry, the Kremlin blows up, and the US government initiates ‘Ghost Protocol’ which is not a version of Call of Duty, but the shuttering of IMF and basically stranding Hunt and his team on their own with a new IMF analyst, Brandt (Renner) tagging along.

If you’ve seen Alias, any James Bond film, or most any other “spy/covert action” movie, you could probably guess there is a deranged man with a major weapon that requires the team to travel to exotic locales to track down clues and contacts and ultimately stop World War III. As far as the story goes, there really is not a lot of new ground broken in this installment sadly. Please do not mistake the rote steps I described for boring as writers Josh Appelbaum and André Nemec use those genre tentpoles as effectively as possible while transitioning between the exposition and the action very seemlessly. Unlike another recent action-y/spy thriller Salt, the big sequences and showdowns feel naturally inserted into the story instead of a loose plot written around said sequences.

Bird as director deserves a lot of credit for this as well. Perhaps the many years managing the doubtlessly painstaking process of an average Pixar film is a much better training camp for action directors than say, music videos and commercials. Ghost Protocol is almost the antithesis of a Michael Bay film as you actually have a firm grasp of the setting and the blocking so you can tell what the hell is going on. Those transitions between the dialogue and the action and then back again are quite fluid for lack of a better word which is more desirable than the typical “throw in as many cuts as possible to confuse the audience into liking it” sense that seems to permeate action films nowadays.

Since 1996, Cruise has been the face of the M:I series so that sadly has not changed for now but he does well-enough with his smarmy, smug persona to pull off Hunt as well as before. Patton has a few decent scenes but nothing too spectacular. The main standouts for the cast are Pegg and Renner, and that statement might be only slightly partial since I am a fan of both. Pegg does little wrong (I haven’t seen Paul so I can’t say no wrong) so his portrayal of the new field agent Benji is just the right amount of smart and confident with a bit of naivete to him that serves as a great comedic foil for the mostly stone-serious cast. Renner may be among those serious characters but I’ve liked the guy in everything I’ve seen him in and he is quite versatile as an actor with action, drama, and a hint of facetiousness coming through here. While the villains are too blase to remember their names, the dynamic from the ex-IMF team as a whole made up for them. And Anil Kapor was excellent, although not too important in the grand scheme of things.

As a whole, Ghost Protocol doesn’t come together quite as well as I remember the last installment and it may not stick out as a great action film along the lines of Die Hard. But that’s no bother. The pedestrian story aside, there is more than enough here to satisfy with some great performances by Pegg and Renner as well as the type of pacing and structure that action films should strive to abide by.

Look, I’m not ashamed to admit that I spent deflated U.S. currency to see this big-budget teenage soap opera in theaters. Well, no, I am a bit ashamed. But that won’t deter me from finishing up the series that has pained my sensibilities for years now. Bella and Jacob are all grown-up, Edward is technically still a creepy old man, and no one ever seemed to ponder whether or not a vampire can knock-up an awkward teenage girl. Now, the world knows the truth as Breaking Dawn: Part I attempts to lay the old vampire-human sex myth to rest once and for all and so the women in the house can get their fix for pale vamp-y boy or ripped, shirtless wolf-y boy.

So, it appears that ‘Team Jacob’ is not going to be able to pull off a stunning upset in the bottom of the ninth as Bella (Kristen Stewart) is uterus-deep in wedding planning and other such shenanigans for her pending nuptials to Edward (Robert Pattinson). Yes, kids, let this be a lesson to you courtesy of Stephanie Meyer: follow, stalk, and mostly be a jackass to a girl but as long as you have pale skin and dreamy hair, you’re a shoe-in. The wedding seems to act as a manner of reintroducing old friends (poor Anna Kendrick!) and introducting new superfluous-for-now plot points (Maggie Grace looking quite creepy!) but mostly to affirm that Edward is dreamy, and perfect, and has great hair, and … anyways. They tie the knot, have a few awkward/embarrassing moments like any family occasion, and set off on their honeymoon to some random island with a beautiful house that would be toothpicks in a tsunami. ::Spoiler:: No such tsunami happens while Edward and Bella are vacationing there. ::snaps fingers::

After a hilariously over-the-top sex scene their first night (I hear the book is as bad), Bella is bruised and battered as Edward is either really good in the sack or really bad at containing his temper. There are shelters for you, Bella. They spend the next eternity in movie time sitting around, swimming, playing chess, and … bam! Bella’s pregnant! To Forks they return where no one has any idea of how that could happen or what to do next but Bella insists on keeping the baby even though it is breaking bones, feeding off her internal organs or something, and apparently applying quite effective makeup to show the emaciated girl. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) learns of about her “condition” to which the rest of the wolve-y clan aren’t keen about. Jacob breaks from the pack to protect Bella from the hostile shape-shifters while Bella continues to succumb to the demon-ish baby thing inside of her. If you’ve read the books, you know the rest. If not, the rest is actually kind of cool.

Perhaps it’s because I just watched the horrid New Moon, or maybe it’s Opposite Day, or it’s possible that I’m just clinically insane but I actually kind of dug BD:P1. Most of it at least. From the male perspective, the most painful part is the first half or so. I understand that after three mostly unbearable films with the will-she-or-won’t-she affair between Bella and Edward, there needed to be some celebratory event. But, just like most family gatherings I attend, the wedding and its aftermath goes on far too long with little to occupy yourself other than copious amounts of alcohol. When Edward and Bella (why don’t they have a cool compound name like Bedward by now?) head off to the secluded island, the story drags like a tantrum-prone four-year-old in the checkout line but most everyone else wanted to see them get it on. For a movie that clocks in at just under two hours, I can think of a good fifteen to twenty minutes that should have been trimmed from this section.

When Bedward return after learning of the growing spawn, the otherwise overqualified director Bill Condon takes the movie into a bunch of wacky, yet ultimately interesting directions. I can’t really tell if there was a strong anti-abortion agenda present in the film as almost everyone is urging Bella to get “that thing” out of her or if Bella was just being her typical, insipid self and refusing to listen to the voice of reason that the child is killing her, inside and out. Stewart starts off the film much more attractive than I’ve previously found her before but ends looking like a poor woman struck down with some incredibly debilitating illness courtesy of some quite good makeup and CGI. And shockingly, Stewart is mostly up to the task excepting the typical stutter and awkwardness that her character is built upon. Honestly though, the majority of the other characters come off as bossy, assy, or just plain hateful which makes her almost seem like the sane one.

As Tabitha touched on in her review, there was a great deal of emotional impact that could have been harvested from the story as Bella is dying as a child/whatever is growing but most of that seemed to be jettisoned for Jacob scowling, Edward scowling, or random and insultingly-stupid wolf growl to human voice dubbing. Even the experience that Bella goes through is mostly extrapolated from everyone else’s reactions to her, which I guess is in keeping with the spirit of the rest of the series since she has very little defining character traits of her own. Bella does step out of her drab shell though to make things awkward as she remarks to Jacob “it feels complete when you’re here” in front of her new family and … HER NEW HUSBAND. I thought we were past this by now.

This series has chronically suffered from not-good acting but things were a bit better this time around. Pattinson has become better each film through heavy makeup, Stewart isn’t quite as irritating as the first couple films, and it even features more Billy Burke and Sara Clark! Yay for that! The rest of the Cullen clan are merely bystanders in their own house but there was nothing too incredibly off-putting here. Except Lautner. I thought the kid was okay before but maybe that was just when he had hair and no six-pack abdomen. He’s probably too focused on whatever crap movie he’s starring in at this point anyway.

I’ve already written way too much about this movie than I intended but it is pretty damn entertaining once we get past the lovey-dovey aspect of the story. Even without an external threat like the last film, Breaking Dawn: Part I is thus far the best in the series. Don’t get me wrong. It’s no American Beauty or Halloween, but something that I can possibly see myself watching (and fast-fowarding through) at home.

***THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS***
So the choice has been made: ‘Team Edward.’ Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) made the decision to be with Edward (Robert Pattinson) until death do they part, as per an ironic moment at the altar. Breaking Dawn: Part I covers the wedding, the honeymoon, and the pregnancy as result of their marital bliss. Oh yeah, and there’s a pack of werewolves that want to destroy their unborn child that they consider an abomination. If the first movies were about abstinence, this is a pro-life film if there ever was one.

Having read the books, I went in with higher expectations than some. The final book is one of the most compelling teen romance novels I’ve ever read. There is action, anticipation, conflict, questioning of morals and a real story was being told. With director Bill Condon (Gods and Monsters, Dream Girls) in the seat for his first installment of the saga, I just knew that this would be the best of the series on the big screen. You know what they say about assumptions. Returning screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg did everything except capture the intensity and depth of the story being told. This was one of the most anticipated sequels for teenagers and middle age women all over. I mean, what female doesn’t want to see the wedding of the century and the forever desired sex scene of the human losing her virginity to an immortal?

The movie opens with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) receiving the wedding invitation. Of course he is angry so we see a shirtless Jacob shift into a wolf-beast thing and begin his disappearance from the first third of the movie. Cue the wedding planning, angst and lackluster acting of Stewart. Wedding time bliss also means cold feet for either the bride or groom. For a brief second Bella has a nightmare that hints that she is having second thoughts. But then to the wedding! After all, who has second thoughts about marrying an immortal who will turn them in a blood sucking monster? I imagine her reaction as: “Pfft, so I won’t be human anymore? Who cares? I’m going to be hot and not die and stuff.” We do get to experience Pattinson’s improved acting chops as he delivers more than just one facial expression. I do not care for Pattinson as an actor but I have to commend him for stepping it up. The downside of his performance was comparing him with the rest of the actors who turn out either subpar or just ok performances. Jacob makes his reappearance and there is still hope in his eyes and the hearts of all ‘Team Jacob’ members. With Bella in his arms as they dance, you forget they are at the reception for her wedding and you began to cross your fingers that Bella will change her mind. I mean, who do you want to spend your honey moon with? A cold-as-ice, possibly-can’t-get-an-erection, vampire or the warm-blooded, well-built and will-definitely-get-an-erection sexy werewolf?

Onto the secret island for the honeymoon! Everyone was on the edge of their seats and plenty of panties were wet with the thoughts of a naked Edward and the night full of passion and bed-breaking intercourse. Loins tight, nails bit and breath being held we waited … and waited. Yes, we know it has a PG-13 rating but dammit all to hell for nothing more than glorified making out. It was like the Paranormal Activity of love scenes. Most of the popping of the cherry took place off screen. We are brought back in to a destroyed bedroom and a bruised Bella. How did the lamp across the room get broken, clothes hamper turned over, the ottoman and pictures on the far wall get destroyed? I need to know! Afterward Edward refuses sex until she is changed. And then she’s pregnant. This is the point of the downward spiral for the film. The build up with no climax to a half-assed love scene and Bella accepting after a moment’s hesitation that she is pregnant with what could be essentially be a demon child. Back to Washington, re-enter Jacob and add in a bonding moment with Edward over the need for an immediate abortion.

Because of the pregnancy, the wolf pack wants to destroy Bella and the “baby.” This causes Jacob to claim dominance as the Alpha of the pack in a fierce fight with the current Alpha. He runs off and forms his own pack. It is one of the most powerful scenes of the entire movie. It’s beyond description and slightly arousing in a weird and awkward way. The great part is there is limited speaking! It’s just wolves doing their wolfy battle while snarling and occasional thought sharing thing. Lautner has come far from his Shark Boy days but his performance covers two emotions throughout most of the film: rage and depression. Jacob’s words exclaimed the array of emotions that Lautner failed to deliver. Lautner’s shining moment was after the delivery of the baby. The vampires and wolves are fighting outside of the house, Rosalie (Nikki Reed) is holding baby Reneesme by the fire, Edward is coming to terms with Bella’s death, and Jacob runs inside to make a choice of killing or rescuing Reneesme. We all assume his choice is to kill because that would save the Cullens from the attack. Then he imprints (a soul bond) with Reneesme. At that moment Lautner allowed the awe, wonder, surprise and devotion shine through with about ten minutes left in the film. The wolves back off, the vampires clean up the birthing room and Bella wakes up.

Having sat through the first three movies, I would say this was neither a step forward or a step back. It was just on the level with the last film. Having read the Saga, this movie is lacking so much. If you take away the lofty expectations, this was a good movie. It isn’t nearly as intense or ferocious as we expect but it still has its edge thanks to the good, not great, directing capabilities of Condon. I feel that it would have been much like the second film if the same director had taken the seat. Breaking Dawn carries the Hollywood cinematography feel like the last two whereas the first carried the air of an indie film. The let down comes from the screenplay itself. The biggest omission that would have made the film a great movie: reactions to life changing events. There should have been the agonizing feeling of loss since Bella would never be able to see her family again once she becomes a vampire. No one would make that decision after only a second of contemplation of life after mortal death. Plus, a normal woman goes insane with the smallest inkling they may be knocked up. I can only imagine the emotion and terror from knowing you’re pregnant with a supernatural creature’s spawn that could kill you. It would have resulted in more than just a pout in the mirror. The internal struggle to do what would be right and what would save your life should have been addressed with Bella more than just a few seconds. The conflict between pro-life and pro-choice from the mother’s point of view was left on the cutting room floor I assume.

To sum it up, Edward is still a whiney little hen that gives vampires a bad name, Bella made choices without thinking them through, Jacob is now a soul-mate to an infant and separated from the pack and the vampire over lords will show up in the next film. Over all, this is an OK movie. I wish I had waited for it to come to video rather than wasting money to view in theater. To clean my vampire movie screening palate I’m going to go watch Interview with the ‘at least attractive’ Vampire.

Halloween H20 holds a special distinction for being the only DVD I own from a different country. I’m not really sure why I bought it on a trip to Germany over ten years ago since I cannot play it on a normal DVD player and my German is so shoddy now that I would need the dub track. But regardless, I have it on German DVD. I figured starting out the review with a random anecdote would be fine since this is more a technically-competent but superfluous anecdote than a real film in the Halloween series.

Even though Part 5 and 6 had their rough patches here and there, both films had their strong points in the ongoing Michael Myers saga. Halloween 4 was just all around excellent. Yet this Scream-derived soulless grab for nostalgia has the balls to say that everything after Myers and Loomis went up in flames at the end of Part 2 never happened. The main response used against those decrying remakes and reboots is “It’s not like a remake destroys the original.” That certainly is true but H20 does its damnedest to try to erase the old-fashioned slasher films of the 80s and replace them with polished, Creed-filled movies like this. That irritates me.

Now, that isn’t to say that H20 is without merit. Jamie Lee Curtis returning to commemorate the original’s twentieth anniversary was a nice touch as well as the other references and callbacks to the first film. But this one spends three-quarters of its runtime sloppily tracing the structure of the original with some post-modern horror moments sprinkled in occasionally. Say what you will about Druid rituals and random tattoos but at least the preceding films tried something a bit different instead of just rehashing the same stuff but not even close in its effectiveness.

As much as I love it, Scream and its successes pretty much killed the Halloween franchise. Even though it was a slasher film with visible fingerprints from the original Halloween, Scream and this series should not come close to intersecting. Yet, the main problem I have with H20 is that it does not gently merge the existing elements of the series with the popular self-aware teen talk of the 90s as much as it barrels into it. The opening scene (featuring Marion Stephens even though she was barely a bit player before) that is mostly divorced from the rest of the story reeks of studios chasing the money with attractive TV actors and a few false scares but little else. The rest of the film plays out more like a high school drama production of John Carpenter’s Halloween with some hip and edgy dialogue and a puzzling inclusion of a movie that basically acknowledges that Halloween is a movie.

Curtis’ Laurie has significantly more to do this time compared to her last Halloween film but this Laurie never really comes across as genuine like some of the previous characters. Josh Harnett (in his debut film) and Michelle Williams try to class the place up with some decent characters and above-average acting. But their other friends are horribly stock and exist only to give Michael something to do. And this features LL Cool J who was not bad per se (at least not the worst rapper to appear in the series) but was saddled with a stupid and ultimately worthless character as the posh private school’s inattentive security guard. I feel bad for Adam Arkin the most since he is only around to extract exposition from Laurie and get stabbed in the back ala Random Nurse #3 from the second film.

The final act though has some great moments as Laurie goes batshit crazy and locks herself in the compound, calling for Michael. Sadly, this lasts all of about thirty seconds before Michael attacks, Laurie responds and then runs and hides. Perhaps this was a much longer sequence but the film’s impossibly short length leads you to believe that there was a lot cut as the bigwigs demanded less boring stuff like talking or stalking and more action. Another sad casualty of the film was the score by John Ottman which is sliced and diced and intertwined with Marco Beltrami’s Scream music that it is impossible to appreciate. That is if you aren’t a nerd like me and own Ottman’s sadly out-of-print score. I took that CD with me to Germany as well.

Director Steve Miner did exactly what he was hired by the Weinsteins at Dimension to do: make a Scream-esque Halloween movie. Yet, doing so strips any remaining originality from the series and reverts it to just another Scream copycat. At least someone had the foresight to “try” and make this the final film in its closing scene. Yet, I still have Halloween: Resurrection to watch so that was clearly as miscalculated as the rest of this film.

Pure and simple, this movie is an unadulterated mess. Coming six years after the sloppy fifth film, the Halloween series had certainly seen its better days as it changes hands to yet another production company, this time the genre upstart Dimension Films. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers also is notable for being one of the most awkwardly put together films courtesy of studio or dumbass filmmaker interference and even spawned its own alternate cut which ran rampant on VHS many years ago as the “Producers’ Cut.” Just like any relationship, this movie has a lot of baggage. And I have a love/hate relationship with it.

Remember the relative simplicity of the story in the original film? Yeah, Michael Myers apparently murdered that as well as the six in the title. Jamie Lloyd returns for a brief moment to birth a child that may or may not be Michael’s (creepy!). The town of Haddonfield has banned Halloween since its latest bloodbath six years ago (or is it five?). Laurie Strode’s previously unmentioned uncle John Strode has now moved his family into the old Myers house. His daughter Kara (Marianne Hagan) has recently moved back in with her young son Danny for reasons unmentioned. Across the street in a boarding house lives Tommy Doyle (Paul Rudd) who has been obsessed with Michael after his encounter Halloween night many years ago. Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence) is apparently retired and nowhere near as enthusiastically crazy as before. All of these kooky characters merge together though as Michael reappears to help reduce the dumb character population.

I have much appreciation for the one credited writer of this film, Daniel Farrands. We’re far removed from the greatness of the original but you can tell that Farrands is not only a fan of the series but understands what a Halloween movie needs. Sadly, the behind-the-scenes shenanigans undermine some of the story but for most of the first fifty minutes or so, Curse has what should be standard in a slasher film, namely decently drawn characters and tense sequences showcasing its main psychopath. I must also acknowledge Joe Chappelle (yes, the one who also did Phantoms) who has a keen visual eye for shots and sequences that go hand-in-hand with the best of the sequels. Yet, allegedly this is the same Joe Chappelle (along with the always menacing studio suits) who absolutely destroyed the final act of the film. We can’t win them all I guess.

The film does much to correct problems with the last, especially as it comes to creating the best autumn atmosphere of the entire series (original included) and ditching the gothic Myers mansion for a quaint little suburban house more similar to the original. Even though some of the characters are completely worthless and/or assholes, most of the others are fleshed out enough to care about when the Boogeyman comes knocking. A stilted performance here and there (cough, Rudd!) results in some occasional bumps in the narrative but not enough to derail your enjoyment. Until the final act that is.

While I haven’t seen the Producers’ Cut, the reported major differences start as Kara (and all common sense from the film I suppose) is flung out of a window. This is painfully apparent as the relative successes of the beginning are maimed like Myers going after a group of random doctors and nurses for no explicable reason. All of the sudden it seems, Alan Howarth’s creepy recalling of the series’ theme is replaced with screeching guitars and the delightfully tense moments from before are replaced with other random shit for no other reason than to make it “cool.” Granted there are some good moments in the final act (I especially enjoy Rudd’s facial expressions when coming across Myers) but so much is done that tonally does not match the rest of the film nor does it make a lick of sense.

For every effective kill sequence the know-it-alls counter with a head exploding because, well we all expect that from a Halloween film. For all the eery slo-mo shots of Tommy walking past the 90s version of #OccupyHaddonfield, we are treated with dumb shit like a little girl saying “It’s raining. It’s raining red. It’s warm.” And for every moment of Danny being a creepy little kid we get this crap about Michael being controlled by Druids and a specific constellation. Even with its faults, there are far too many great moments here to dismiss this one as crap. It may not be as effective a sequel as Part 4 but you get the feeling that at least someone tried to make a worthwhile film.

1989 should have been a big year for horror fans with the release of Halloween 5, Nightmare on Elm Street 5, and Friday the 13th Part 8 all together. Yet, since the late 80s marked the decline of the slasher genre, it should stand to reason that all of these films were garbage in one way or another. Similar to Nightmare 5, I have never had any fondness for Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers which I previously dismissed as just another empty cash-grab. Perhaps since it has been easily ten or so years since seeing this one or because I know there is some horrid crap to come, I came out of my viewing of this film with a newfound appreciation for it. It’s still rather terrible though.

Taking place one year after the events of Halloween 4 (according to the title card that is), Michael has spent 365 days peacefully slumming on the floor of an old hermit, Jamie (Danielle Harris) is traumatized to the point that she cannot speak, and Loomis is even more batshit crazy than before. Even though stabbing your foster mother is not usually a mark in the “Pro” category, Rachel (Ellie Cornell) and her family have adopted Jamie but stuck her in the kiddy crazy house. Since Myers is presumably dead, Loomis (Donald Pleasence) has nothing better to do than lurk around the children’s house and barge in at inappropriate times. After the events of last Halloween, Rachel’s parents convince her to get the hell out of Crystal Lake, err… Haddonfield leaving Jamie under the care of Tina (Wendy Kaplan), Rachel’s crazy friend that we never knew existed before. Needless to say, Michael is not dead yet and rises to begin yet another slaughter of Haddonfield’s denizens as he goes after his niece. Even though he can apparently kill through her. Eh, whatever.

There are many things I can accuse Halloween 5 of. This is not a very highly regarded sequel in the franchise and for good reason since other than Loomis and Jamie, it seems that this was fashioned more like a Friday the 13th movie. ::SPOILER/RANT ALERT:: The biggest thing that pissed me off as a kid and even so today is killing of Rachel. I understand the precedence from F13 Part 2 or Nightmare 3 & 4 but Rachel was not only attractive but a pretty compelling character for the audience in general. She was doubtful at the start of the last film but turned into Ripley-lite to protect Jamie from Myers. And then she dies twenty minutes into this film with a weak death scene that has no emotional resonance throughout since everything assumes she’s gone to go with her parents.

To replace her, we have Tina who might have been fun and spunky in the late 80s but just annoys the shit out of the millennial crowd. Tina, combined with her one-note, cookie-cutter friends add nothing to the story that Rachel could not have but we don’t really care when Tina is being chased/stabbed by Myers because she fails as a character. Even when little Jamie discovers Rachel dead in the palatial Myers house, there is no time to reflect or dwell on the relationship of the two. To me, hands-down, that is the biggest fault of the film.

I’d be remiss in reviewing this movie without talking about the other things that plucked my nerves: the poppy-teen soundtrack, the goofy cops (complete with clown music!), the complete bastardization of the Myers house, and of course the introduction of the major pain-point for the next sequel: Thorn and the man in black. Really, for the few positives it had (namely chase scenes in the back half), the entire production just felt sloppy. The title card indicates one year later yet all dialogue suggests it is in fact two years later what with Jamie being two years older and Loomis referencing “twelve years ago” as if it were the night of the original. And really, even if you’re an off-the-grid mountain man, are you going to let a man lay motionless on your floor for an entire year without calling someone? And even though the mask was pretty aggressive-looking this time around, it’s supposed to be the same from last time. Come on now.

For all of the huge problems this film had, it does has its positives. Director Dominique Othenin-Girard has done little that you might have heard of but that is almost upsetting since he had a great eye for the visual aspect of the picture. It’s nothing 70s-era Carpenter-esque but there were a number of sequences that were shot pretty well even though they were shoehorned into this not-good film. Alan Howarth’s score is still pretty effective and Loomis’ game to entrap Michael was well-played even though that was rendered futile by the end when Michael escapes courtesy of the shadowy man-in-black. Even the notion that Jamie and Michael are connected somehow is interesting but used poorly to the extent that it might as well have made a good six minutes or so to trim from the running time.

Supposedly legal troubles stopped a follow-up sequel the next year but I can’t be too sad about that. Since Loomis was teetering on the edge of clinical insanity and Jamie was given almost nothing to do this time around, I shudder to think of what would come next. Other than Halloween: Curse of Michael Myers that is.