I may have said it before, but let me reiterate: 1994 was a huge year in movies for a young Puck. Today’s random movie was one of the apexes of my love for movies. I saw Speed in theaters only once but I more than made up for it when it was released on VHS (ahh, nostalgia). Within a week, I was quoting the movie verbatim to all of my discerning middle school friends. They thought I was a loon. Perhaps they were right. But then again, Speed kicks ass. So, I claim victory even if none of them will know it.

Almost immediately, Speed kicks off with a rather enthralling opening that is actually relevant with rest of the movie! A mad bomber has rigged a downtown L.A. elevator with a bomb that spells doom for the dozen or so passengers on board. With some quick thinking by S.W.A.T. members Jack (Keanu Reeves) and Harry (Jeff Daniels), the bomber’s plans are thwarted and the passengers saved with the bomber allegedly blowing himself up once the jig is up.

Sometime later, Mr. Bomber notifies Jack that he has planted a bomb on a bus. That bus cannot drop below 50 MPH or else it will explode. This proves quite difficult in L.A. traffic with random baby carriages, school children, and inept cops trying their damnedest to make that bus blow up. It is a simple concept, to which there have been many copycats (anyone else remember the insanely ludicrous Chill Factor with Cuba and Skeet?), but Speed excels where many other films have failed.

In a perfect world, Speed would be regarded as a tentpole of the action genre like Die Hard is. It certainly helps that director Jan de Bont was director of photography on said action tentpole film as well as many other highly regarded pictures. Throughout the run time, the kinetic feel is quite engrossing with the constant threat of harm and the cat and mouse game between the cops and the bomber (Dennis Hopper). Hell, I’ve seen this more times than I care to admit and even some of the sequences such as Jack’s entrance to the bus or the freeway jump are crafted so nicely as to defy you to be ambivalent during them.

Keanu has caught a lot of flack over the years with his emotionless, wooden acting but this is likely the role he was born to play (Neo notwithstanding). In fact, I can only think of Keanu belting out timeless lines like “shoot the hostage” or “yeah, but I’m taller” with the absurdly subdued emotions that his character calls for. Sandra Bullock as the makeshift bus driver Annie is frantic, yet sweet and funny as the perfect candidate for what a leading Hollywood actress should be (well, before Speed 2 that is).

The best part of the acting front though is hands-down Dennis Hopper. Howard Payne, the bomber, is frustrated and demented and Hopper nails that persona with all the over-the-top acting he can muster. In any other movie, his performance would be laughable. But the biggest strength of Speed is that it is played serious even though the story is quite implausible. That makes Payne merely another colorful character in this implausible universe.

And unlike many big action movies, Speed is, for the most part, grounded in some semblance of reality. The threat is bizarre, but conceivable and other than the aforementioned bus jump, there is little else in the film that makes you stop and think, “wait, that didn’t make ANY damn sense.” Compare it to a “Cobra-stole-the-warhead” alarm or random action heroes outrunning huge explosions (take your pick for which movie) and Speed is one the same footing as Die Hard with an average Joe stuck in an guy stuck in an unparalleled situation.

Since action movies typically have a “check your brain at the door” mentality about them, those that don’t adhere to that only stand out more prominently. As such, with such a great combination of story, cast, and crew, Speed is far better than it has any right to be.

We here at Movie Scum love the Jesusflix. Most of the time, it is truly a blessing. Recently however, I found myself at odds with it upon seeing Speed 2: Cruise Control would be available for instant viewing. Under normal circumstances, I would be able to resist the temptation to watch it as that would mean putting forth effort to either buy or rent it. But, when I saw it was on the Jesusflix, I caved like a trampoline under a fat kid.

I have previously seen this movie a whopping one time in theaters upon its release. After it hit video later that year, I bought a VHS of it from Kmart. It was defective. That was likely divine intervention. Yet, I have always wondered: is it really that bad? Was I just a naive kid at the time like the rest of the IMDb readers who cumulatively rate this movie with a 3.4? Would I be able to wring some enjoyment out of watching it again? The answers to those questions are yes, no, and … well, sort of.

Taking my least favorite method of sequelism, Speed 2 photocopies the same plot from the first film and tweaks it ever so slightly to take place on an out-of-control cruise ship rather than the so 1994 out-of-control bus. The only meaningful returning member from the first, Annie, is dating an L.A.P.D. cop (but not Keanu Reeves!) and attempting to enjoy a relaxing vacation on a cruise liner filled with the fat people, deaf kids, and UB40. Add in a tremendously over-the-top villain with some half-cocked revenge/heist plan and you’ve got … well, a shitty movie.

I doubt I will be able to accurately convey my thoughts on this movie in the standard review format. Let me then requisition PBF’s list of gripes made famous by the G.I. Joe and Final Chapter reviews, but this time as the movie unfolds!

• Alex’s (Jason Patric) job is apparently to be involved in clichéd action movie chases.
• When did Annie (Sandra Bullock) get ditzy, annoying, and emotional? I guess we can blame Jack for that.
• Keanu Reeves opted not to come back. Good for him. He gets a nice send-off from the obviously jilted filmmakers.
• Jan de Bont has apparently embraced the shaky-cam since his last film. That last film was Twister. I can’t decide which is worse.
• Tim Conway might be here for comedic relief, but it’s not working. I blame Annie for that.
• Joe Morton (in a cameo role) has apparently decided to really suck at acting after the first.
• Aw, thanks Random Cop for blowing Alex’s secret career. Annie disapproves.
• You know what Speed was surely not missing? Stupid, emotional scenes with Annie complaining.
• They aren’t newlyweds Dante, you terrible, cardboard cut-out of a character!
• Geiger surely is upset about his golf clubs. The most subdued acting by Willem Dafoe in this movie.
• Annie is really, truly excited about drugs in the air conditioning or something. I’m not paying attention, I admit.
• Alex is planning to propose to Annie. Poor man, if I could teleport back in time and into fictional movies, I’d save you.
• Ah, the upbeat Jamacain band to bring everyone together. Do they get sucked into the propeller soon?
• Geiger getting ready for the assault with his eels and explosive golf clubs. If not for the fact that he is batshit crazy, Geiger would be a non-entity.
• Alex knows sign language. How appropriate since there is a deaf girl on board! Action Movie Cliche #11: Young Infirm Child in Danger.
• This analogy of dining-out to marriage is drawn out uncomfortably long.
• Did Geiger just use the passcode of 123456 to get into the engine room? Stupid fucking movie.
• Next day, more emotionally wrought scenes with Annie. Now, she’s complaining about a badge number.
• Score one cheesy line for Dafoe with “Let’s not split hairs.” How is that applicable unless you are beating someone with a rabbit?
• The parents of the deaf girl insult her and let her run off. Such loving caregivers.
• And just as he’s about to propose, the engine blows up. Damn inconvenient plot point.
• This girl has been in the elevator for about ten minutes. Is this is a skyscraper cruise ship?
• It is nice that Geiger gives the captain fifteen minutes to evacuate the ship. Of course, we know some group of jackholes will mess that up.
• A fat guy screaming “Let Me In There!” to a closed door is, surprisingly, not effective.
• Of course Alex goes off to investigate. And Annie looks annoyed. She’s super supportive!
• And now action hero Alex goes to save the people he endangered in the first place. What a dream boat!
• Dante is the most annoying damsel-in-distress of our times.
• Now Geiger is stealing thousands of dollars worth of jewelry that just happened to be on the ship. A heist? So overdone.
• Temuera Morrison as the captain is actually quite good. His performance does not make me want to vomit, at least.
• They’ve found out the bad guy is Geiger. Now to go accost him with skeet guns and have a nice talk.
• Drew (the deaf girl) has some kickin’ shoes. And apparently supergirl strength to be able to effortlessly open an elevator door without power.
• I sure hope all cruise ships randomly carry around chainsaws to … get rid of any trees blocking the way?
• Alex finds a way to slow the ship down. Drew is in harm’s way by doing so. It isn’t revisited after she’s safe.
• “Relationships based on extreme circumstances never work.” It’s a funny recollection of the first. Even funnier since that was not the original line.
• Stand-off between Alex and Geiger, one holding a gun, the other holding a supermarket scanner. This is riveting.
• Geiger has the worst motive ever: copper poisoning after working on computers. Umm … I think we’d all be dead if that were true.
• Dafoe sounds like a loon and looks like a horse when laughing. There you go, Hollywood: the maniacal horse.
• Alex is such a true action hero. Even smoke inhalation doesn’t faze him!
• Way to go, Annie! Throwing your arms up and saying “Oh, man!” is quite conducive to avoiding imminent death.
• When did they throw a wrench in a transmission in the first film? Oh, wait. They didn’t. Stupid movie.
• I think Geiger has spent the better part of this movie running around the bowels of the ship. I say “better part” because it isn’t as insulting as the rest.
• Of course Annie is taken hostage. Because otherwise, the filmmakers would have to find other ways for her to annoy the shit out of the audience.
• Geiger is so mean to Annie! Sure, he’s killed a few people directly and indirectly thus far, but there’s no reason to be such an ass!
• Hey, that’s the same watch that Keanu had in the first! Have I mentioned that this is the only film to make me yearn for Keanu Reeves?
• I’ll give it props and say that the effects in this movie are pretty good, even for today’s standards. The writing on the other hand …
• Like this … the ship is approaching a large, sea-side city at relatively fast speeds. Yet none of the boaters seem to notice until they are mincemeat.
• Dropping the anchor won’t stop the ship. But, let’s do it anyway!
• That boat must have been made of dynamite for the explosion it gave!
• “Seven knots!” Oh great. I forgot about the fucking annoying Scottish navigator who has to announce the speed as it drops.
• What is this town made of? Cardboard and tissue paper?
• “Six knots!”
• The acting in this movie is atrocious. Utterly, mind-numbing, god-awful.
• “Five knots!”
• Damn shop owner! Just because a boat is crashing into your city doesn’t mean I don’t want my pumpernickel bread!
• “Four knots!”
• Damn boat! You missed the little kid!
• “Two knots! Almost stopped!” Wait, what happened to three? I hate inconsistency.
• Oh, it’s a fat guy coming out of 7-11, worried about his car. I bet bad things happen to it.
• “Zero.”
• Ha, I could’ve called it even if I hadn’t seen the movie. At least the dog is okay.
• “We docked! I can’t believe it!” Dante is the most worthless of characters in this most worthless of movies.
• “Zero.” Okay, dude. We get it!
• At least the ship is stopped and the passengers are safe, the movie should be over now, right?
• Fuck, does Annie really have to be rescued? Just let that b-word drown.
• The return of TUNEMAN. Glenn Plumber should’ve stayed on ER.
• Hey, dude. Instead of saying “you’ve got to be kidding me” you could just say, “fuck, no, you’re not having my boat.”
• And, can you tell the balding Mrs. TUNEMAN to shut her trap. It’s annoying. “Look, fireworks!”
• I’m sure a suction cup the size of my thumb can withhold the weight of a man being drug through the water.
• I would’ve liked a Dennis Hopper-esque “MY MONEY!!!” when Annie throws the jewelry out.
• And Geiger flies into the very tanker he tried to crash the cruise ship into. Oh, the ironing!
• Dafoe must have gotten his teeth enlarged for this role.
• How does a plane suspended 30 feet above the deck cause the entire tanker to explode? Oh, wait. I’m still watching Speed 2.
• And now Alex finally gets around to proposing. Hasn’t the entire film dissuaded him from wanting to be around Annie?
• Oh, thank god! It’s over!
• Damn! Another driving test! Oh, a humorous callback to the beginning of the film and to the original. Yeah. It’s really over now.

So, in summary: Speed 2 sucks ass. It’s not to the level that would warrant a crap category since it is fairly entertaining. Although, that entertainment is based on admiring the shitty script, horrible acting, and waste of the hundreds of millions this movie probably cost.

Up until today, I can’t remember the last time I watched Predator 2 in its entirety. Whenever I see it on TV, on Demand, or on the Jesusflix, I usually catch the first fifteen minutes with arguably one of the greatest action-movie gunfire battles ever. The rest of the movie? Well, let’s just say it does not live up to its opening, but surely not for a lack of trying.

Apparently Los Angeles in the late 90s wasn’t destined to be a nice place. We can get additional confirmation from watching Demolition Man. But anyways … the gangs in L.A. are fierce, the drugs are flowing with ease, and the cops are outmanned and outgunned to do anything about it. Lieutenant Mike Harrigan (Danny Glover) causes much consternation with his superiors when he goes against orders and enters a downtown building filled with gang members. Fortunately for the police, an unknown party takes out the coked-up rapscallions leaving behind lots of blood, a skinned body, and the fresh scent of Predator-ing.

As Harrigan and his team, including Bill Paxton (!) and Maria Conchita Alonso, investigate the matter, they are pulled off the assignment by the no-nonsense captain as it is under the control of a federal taskforce, including a somewhat subdued Gary Busey and the always welcome Adam Baldwin. The first half of the film then consists of Harrigan being a loose cannon, going against direct orders, and muttering things under his breath. Shockingly, one of those things was not “I’m getting too old for this shit.” In fact, a lot of the movie up until things get all talky could be construed for a lost Lethal Weapon installment, minus Riggs of course, with the Predator substituted for a South African diplomat, a Chinese Triad, or … Gary Busey. Huh.

This film gets a bad rap but primarily coming off of McTiernan’s damn excellent original. I was shocked when watching it again just how violent it was with the gunfights, skinned bodies, and senseless violence galore. Sure, you can tell that much of the more over-the-top gore was excised for the ratings board but a lot made it through. But even with enough violence to shake a parental group at, the film seems almost cobbled together from other action movie staples with a bit of Predator action at the end to justify the title.

Director Stephen Hopkins‘ film basically suffers the same fate as his NOES installment: namely, it’s interesting and looks pretty but the story doesn’t do the rest of it any favors. Especially when the story comes to a screeching halt at the beginning of the final act of the film. Up until that point, the Predator is largely unknown by Harrigan and his crew but leave it to good ol’ Gary Busey to deliver exposition including a recap of the first film in a manner only he can pull off. The effects however are top-notch but the Predator is shown way too much in the final reel, complete with 80s action movie quips like “shit happens.” Yep, even the Predators are aware of Forrest Gump’s contribution to the human race.

I hear that the AVP films are far worse which is a shame because the reveal at the end of this one could have lead to a bunch of entertaining movies: some random action star battling a Predator in the locale of the filmmaker’s choice. I feel that this movie tried to be that but was too bogged down in either explicit or subconscious references to other movies of its era.

Ninjas vs. Vampires is writer director Justin Timpane’s follow up to Ninjas vs. Zombies (which I have not seen). I must apologize to Mr. Timpane. While viewing this film, I sent Puck a text calling this film terrible. I rescind that. There are some terrible things in the film, but I now find that adjective to be not applicable to the film as a whole.

Aaron and Alex are hanging out late at night at what is sure to be an unsafe location. They have known each for years, and Alex considers Aaron to be her best friend. Aaron on the other hand, has stronger feelings and would like to be her boyfriend. He vocalizes this and is quickly shot down. To further ruin his night, the pair is suddenly attacked by vampires. Just when it appears a feeding is to occur, a group of ninjas appear and save them. “What the fuck?” you say? I assure you, I type the truth. The group is part actual ninjas, as they practice martial arts, but they are also some sort of X-Men type group in which each one has a special attribute. Kyle (Daniel Ross) can run really fast, Lily (Carla Okouchi) is a vampire but does not feed from humans, Ann (Melissa McConnell) practices magic. Then there is Cole (Cory Okouchi) who is the leader. Other than owning a comic book store and looking like Professor X, I am not sure what his special attribute is. There is some kind of plot involving an amulet, and the vampires wanting to create some new breed of undead and I think a war against humans. The plot is mostly irrelevant and just serves as the reason that ninjas and vampires must fight each other, and appear together in a film.

The comedy in this film is pretty dead on funny. Very funny lines, and best when delivered by Daniel Ross. There are some cheesy throw away lines, but this is a low budget film that is self aware, so even those work.  On the whole, the blend of comedy action and gore is rather well balanced and enjoyable.

The directing and editing were spot on as well. Timpane knows what he is doing and put his knowledge of the films he loves in to his film.  When you are watching a low budget picture you can usually tell where the sacrifices were made to stay within budget, and aside from the horrible CGI, nothing was so terrible that it screamed, “This is when we ran out of money!” And the CGI was bad. And there was a lot of it.

I don’t feel qualified to judge a fight sequence (which is unfortunate as there were a lot) because action films are not really something I gravitate to. However, there were some decent fights but, they usually ended with terrible CGI. They were entertaining enough, though.

One thing you will have to put up with is the constant references. Just to name a few: numerous comic books, Kevin Smith characters, the Karate Kid, Ghostbusters, endless mentions of vampires that sparkle, G.I. Joe. There are plenty more.

Before watching this film (and I do recommend it) keep in mind that the budget was $15,000. It doesn’t really look like the budget was that low, but it will help you lower your expectations a bit. The positives outweigh the negatives, and it is an entertaining 89 minutes. It’s just good fun.

2011 must be the year of the superhero. Or at least the year of the superhero that I couldn’t care less about. Nolan’s next Batman doesn’t come out until next year after all. But, I figured I would be remiss without catching at least a few of the genre’s offerings this year and what better place to start than with The Green Hornet, the 3D big-budget film that was released … in January? Weird.

Seth Rogen plays lovable slacker (seems like a stretch for him) Britt Reid, who is the playboy son of widower newspaper mogul, James Reid. His father is constantly disappointed due to his attention- and headline-grabbing antics. When his father dies, Britt meets Kaito (Jay Chou), a coffee-making car aficionado who worked for the family and commiserates with him about how much of a dick his father was. In a drunken act of rebellion, Britt and Kaito set off in bulletproof Chrysler Imperial to deface the recently erected statue of James Reid and foil a robbery nearby thanks to Kaito’s impressive martial arts skills. Britt then decides the two should team up and be superheroes.

While I know that the character of the Green Hornet is based on a 1930s radio program, I don’t know how faithful the script by Rogen and Evan Goldberg is to that concept. If it is faithful, then quite a few superhero tropes since have borrowed from the original radio show. If not, then Rogen and Goldberg were heavily influenced. Regardless, in a world with superhero movies running amuck, having Britt Reid sans parents, or working at a newspaper, or the Green Hornet well armed with super-cool gadgets seems derivative even if it was not originally.

One of the more redeeming qualities of the film was the characters’ self-awareness. Reid lays out rather concisely why they should pose as bad guys to avoid the wrath of the real bad guys like other heroes. And he gets help from the knowledgeable Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz) as how to ascend to the top-tier of the criminal element. Reid even acts as a publicist when the Hornet’s actions start causing defections from the crime syndicate. This does not sit well with the resident bad-ass Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz) who through a convoluted, yet somewhat predictable, turn has people near Reid who want him dead.

While the plot itself was not earth-shattering, it was enjoyable enough. Also quite entertaining was the film’s numerous action pieces, many set to classical music like the source material. Director Michel Gondry composes car chases, hand-to-hand combat, and shootouts like a pro even if his previous films do not seem in the same realm of filmmaking. Since I saw this on a poor man’s Blu-ray, the 3D stood out like a sore thumb (where does that saying even come from?) but was unimpressive unless you like bottle caps virtually hurled at you.

The cast was good but this is another vehicle for Seth Rogen (who slimmed down significantly for the role) to act childish but also to get into fights with just about everyone else in the movie. Perhaps that is where the screenwriters tried to break from the established superhero norm but having Britt be a baby and lashing out at his partner, his secretary, his father’s most trusted friend, et al. is not beneficial in establishing a likable character. Chou has some fancy moves but his character is more background to the Hornet even though he has 98% of the skills in the group. Waltz is always welcome even though his character popped in and out too much to be an effective villain. And Diaz … well, I’ve address her here.

As it is, Green Hornet will probably be one of the more forgettable tales of heroism this year but it was good enough to at least warrant a viewing. I would potentially be on board with a sequel, provided that we try something new next time.

It isn’t often that the fifth film in a series is well received by a far amount of respectable critics. It is even less often when that series is at best a popcorn movie geared towards adolescent boys, street racers, and the six or seven fans of Paul Walker. But shockingly, I’ve heard a lot of buzz about Fast Five and that … well, it is actually pretty good. As in currently holding as 79% rating on Rotten Tomatoes good.

Admittedly, this may be a bit premature as currently there are only a few dozen reviews tallied up. But considering the harsh critical reaction to the previous four movies (52%, 36%, 35%, and 27% respectively), it looks pretty safe that Fast Five could end up on the “fresh” side of the fence. But why?

I did not see the third or fourth movies strictly because they looked like car porn wrapped around a poor excuse for a plot with bad acting throughout. In fairness, the first two were as well. This film reportedly centers around the team including Vin Diesel and Walker who are battling “the man” as well as a drug dealer in Rio. It also adds The Rock (no, not Alcatraz) as the pursuing FBI agent and a shitload of action scenes with a gooey heist-y center.

Alas, the trailer below seems split between a real action movie and one filled with wall-to-wall car chases that would not appeal to me by itself. But, if this positive word of mouth keeps up, I may attempt one more time to forgive Walker for that damn Skulls movie.

In the genesis of most action movies, I can’t figure developing the plot matters much (other than The Expendables). It seems that most action oriented movies are just big, explosive set pieces tied around a loose narrative fiber holding things together. At least though we have an idea of why our action star is running around jumping onto cars and getting into gunfights whether it is for revenge or to save a life or whatever. Salt makes no pretense that it is an action movie first and foremost, even though that means that we are watching action for the hell of it with no idea of why.

The titular character, Evelyn Salt, is a relatively normal CIA agent until one day a Russian defector walks into her office and names Salt as a deep-cover Russian spy. Salt quickly dismisses the notion but her superiors are seemingly convinced after the proclamation by the former Soviet thug with little other evidence against her. Salt runs in an effort to find her husband but then changes course to head to NYC, possibly with the intent to kill the visiting Russian president.

At the very least, everything is fast moving here as after a brief prologue and maybe ten minutes in the present day, Salt is on the run from the CIA. But other than her quick rebuttal that the Russian is lying, we really get no other information about Salt and her intentions. Is she really a Russian spy, pissed because her cover was blown? Is she an innocent woman who sets out to clear her name and save her husband? Did she double cross the Russians and is now set out to stop the attack? Who knows. The movie doesn’t bother explaining things until the final ten minutes or so.

In the meantime though, we do get the goods that a decent action thriller can deliver, namely in double crosses, car chases, and gun fights. The best way to classify Salt is as a Jason Bourne movie, only starring Angelina Jolie and with no where near the twisty narrative. It is not often do you see an action film starring a beautiful woman as the lead and fortunately Jolie takes on the standard action movie staples quite comfortably. She has a tough and determined persona so the events that occur are not laughable as if a lesser actress had taken the role. I’m not trying to be sexist but imagine Kathryn Heigl as an highly trained and deadly CIA agent and you’ll get my point.

Liev Schrieber and Chiwetel Ejiofor as the lead agents assigned to take Salt down are decent enough but their characters are laughably derivative of any authoritative figure from these types of movies (even though the movie has barely paused to contemplate Salt’s guilt or innocence). The casting could have been done better however as a certain actor’s presence tips the hand of the final act reveal. I won’t give spoilers but needless to say, it isn’t hard to guess Salt’s endgame about halfway into the movie. At least that is if we were trusted with the reason for Salt’s activities but whatever.

Director Phillip Noyce off of Kurt Wimmer‘s script takes the standard political/action thriller mold and reverses it. Whereas Noyce’s Clear and Present Danger (a favorite of mine) is a movie about the political game of chicken with some action sprinkled in, Salt is the opposite of that. There are political motivations but those aspects are never really fleshed out and instead just act as the backbone of the movie (as much as there is). But that’s not important to the enjoyment of the film as the non-stop sequences are almost good enough to forget any shortcomings the script might have. As the polar opposite of The Expendables, Salt whittles down the pesky exposition and character moments to the point that they might as well have not included any. But it is incredibly entertaining all the same even if you don’t know if you’re rooting on an enemy to the United States or not.

Every once in a while, someone comes up with an idea that makes you think “Man, why hasn’t that been done sooner?” About a year ago in a conversation with Digger, I remarked how I’d like to see a balls-to-the-wall action movie with all of the action heroes of old. Little did I know, and Digger was quick to point out, that Sylvester Stallone already had that idea with his upcoming movie The Expendables.

Even though I had heard mostly positive things about the movie (mostly from my testosterone-driven friends and associates), I was hesitant. When you put Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, and more together in an action movie, it could either be awesome in a manly kind of way or very over-the-top and cheesy. I assume that director Stallone was going for the former but the cheese factor came into play far too much for my taste.

We have all of the requisite action tale staples: an exotic locale, a former colleague who goes rogue, a main bad guy, and a love interest whose part mainly consists of giving exposition and being dragged from room to room. The plot is basically a thinly veiled ruse for action-packed scenes and the details are not important for us to know. I just want to see death and destruction. On that front, Expendables delivers in spades with some of the more off-the-wall but similarly spectacular action sequences since the heydays of the 80s. Once, my father and I tried to keep a running tally of the people Schwarzenegger gunned down in Commando. Needless to say, we lost track. I wouldn’t be able to make tic marks fast enough to keep up here.

For its intended purpose, the aforementioned cast as well as Terry Crews, Steve Austin, and Eric Roberts (!) do their best to chew scenery and look busy while things explode around them. But everything comes to a grinding halt whenever there is any talky-bits that I assume are supposed to provide depth to the characters. This does not work well. Rourke has a tender reflection on the preciousness of life (I think that was the point at least) that not only reeked of overacting but it was also incredibly out of place. Similar for Li’s crying that he has to work harder because he is smaller than the rest of the team. I assume that scene was also for comedic purposes but it was odd and wholly unnecessary especially considering the kick-ass car chase that was about to commence.

In fact, one of my main problems was that there was so much freaking dialogue. Save for a few members, this cast is not well known for substantial acting abilities. All I needed were a few one-liners sprinkled into the wall-to-wall gun fights and car chases and a line or so just to give a flimsy story of why these men are going to this foreign country to kill a bunch of people. Admittedly in most films, I get irritated at the lack of a narrative but this is one of those movies where I am all but willing to give that a pass.

The main thing I would have liked to see in the movie is some silly, self-referential material. I’m not asking for Kevin Williamson style awareness but let’s be honest. Stallone is well within the AARP membership bracket and to have him, or even some of the others on the team, address that would have elevated it from a random action movie to a random action movie that knows it’s an action movie. There’s a big difference.

All in all, Expendables wasn’t quite what I expected it to be. Granted, I had no idea what the hell to expect from it but still. Perhaps with the apparently already greenlit sequel, Stallone can take things a little more lightly and give us what we want. Hot girls like Charisma Carpenter and Giselle Itié, senseless violence, and not a lot of pointless character-driven scenes. I feel a bit silly criticizing a movie for having too much plot, but then again, I know I did not expect that from this movie.

I hate to quote the same thing in less than a week but Digger posited in his previous marathon that Predator is “without a doubt one of the greatest action movies of all time.” Die Hard certainly deserves a spot on that list as well and perhaps not coincidentally is directed by the same man: John McTiernan. You all should know the story very well so I’ll keep the synopsis short. John McClane is a NYPD cop. His estranged wife lives in L.A. and works for a powerful foreign firm. McClane flies in for Christmas. Terrorists take over the building which houses a shit ton of money. Pure entertainment for the next two hours ensues.

It may not be your go-to movie for Christmas like Elf or the Muppet Christmas Carol but Die Hard is not only an awesome Christmas movie in its setting and references but also a damn near flawless action movie. In fact, I would almost consider this the anti-action movie in that the normal conventions and clichés that are commonplace today are nowhere to be found here. The plot is solid, the terrorists are not simply one-dimensional, and the one-liners aren’t corny. It helps that Die Hard is lauded for pioneering some of the more outlandish action stunts in succeeding movies but the point still stands.

Unlike the mindless popcorn, ‘shoot-em up’ movies we suffer through nowadays, Die Hard is always on its A game. Bruce Willis‘ McClane is not the supercop that the later sequels made him out to be. Here he is just a guy in a wife-beater with no shoes stuck in a perilous situation, with nothing more than his cunning wit and whatever ordinances he swipes from the folks rendered dead by his hands. While the effects are extraordinary, there is nothing (save for Karl’s Christ-like resurrection) that strains logic or pokes at your fragile suspension of disbelief.

Besides McClane and Alan Rickman‘s chilling classically-trained, high class Hans Grueber, the rest of the supporting actors are crafted in the vain of actual human beings, not disposable plot contrivances. The fact that the main baddies have more depth and personality than most anyone in … Zombie Strippers(?) is commendable and even Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson) has a more satisfying arc than characters with an entire two hours devoted to them.

Given that it was made in the ’80s, Die Hard does not look or feel dated other than the terrorists that look like they could start a pop band called “The East German All Stars.” (There’s a reference there by the way.) Of course, there are standard movie elements like the requisite douchebag characters, namely Ellis and the police chief, but even they get away with lines and delivery that are on point with some of the funnier movies I’ve seen. In fact, I could probably watch Paul Gleason‘s delivery of the line “For chrissake, he could be a bartender for all we know” on a loop and not get tired of it.

It’s unfortunate that I haven’t watched this movie in so long because it is, in the simplest terms, a veritable masterpiece.

Merry Movie Scum Christmas!

When I first heard about a Predator sequel being made, it seemed like there were daily updates for the members of production, the cast, and then the release date approximately two weeks later. I may be truncating the timeframe a bit but it came together rather quickly in my swiss-cheese-like memory. The concept had promise with the predator foe, hunting in groups, having the homefield advantage against a rag-tag gang of militants and ne’er-do-wells. Sadly, while that premise is accurate, the final product, or at least half of it, leaves much to be desired. At least, until you watch the original Predator.

In his recent Monster Scum marathon, Digger proclaimed Predator to be “one of the greatest action movies of all time.” While it has been far too long since seeing the original to agree or disagree, Predators however follows its source material far too closely. Straight down to the music by John Debney which is almost a carbon-copy of Alan Silvestri’s great score from the original, I felt a great sense of deja vu while watching Predators, either to the original or to any other generic action movie. We start with Royce (Adrien Brody) free-falling into a jungle only to run into other people of varying ethnicities and backgrounds as they try to figure out where they are and why they are there.

It doesn’t take long for standard action tentpoles to come in effect as the group is hunted by the trio of Predator-folk. From being split up during an attack by weird alien dog-things, a trap being set for the humans in which Classic Predator™ appears, and the group being picked off one by one, I was completely detached from the first half of the movie. It literally feels like the original Predator with just a modicum of tweaking to avoid outright plagiarism. When the group meets up with Nolan (Laurence Fishburne), a previous victim stranded on the world, it gets on track with a bit more originality. It helps that Nolan is almost completely insane from being stuck on the alien planet for so long that he has concocted an imaginary friend to combat the loneliness.

The back half of the movie turns around as the human prey decide to turn tables on the Predators led by Brody. When it was first announced, I had my doubts about Brody as an action hero but it works here with Royce being rather cunning in the thick of it and pretty much an ass to boot. Royce’s main concern is survival and getting to the aliens’ ship and if things are not conducive to his plan (mainly Topher Grace) he is more than willing to cut ties and move on. The rest of the humans are pretty flimsy in the characterization department but certain things can be overlooked as Yakusa-member Hanzo (Louis Ozawa Changchien) and Russian Nikolai (Oleg Taktarov) are pretty bad ass in their respective ways. Even though Walton Goggins’ death-row inmate Stans does not offer much assistance in the kick-assery, he gets a few good lines in as comic relief. Topher Grace annoys the shit out of me for some reason and I cannot buy him as a doctor in any capacity so his Edwin did nothing for me. And Alice Braga is pretty enough but does not come off as a hardened Israeli sniper.

For as interesting as it was to set the movie on an alien planet, it added little to the story that could not have been accomplished on earth. Early on as the characters are trying to figure out their location, Braga’s Isabelle remarks that she has seen many jungles but not this one. Problem is, even with the beautiful cinematography, it still looks like any jungle we’ve seen before. Other than the Predator’s dogs and the other creatures that are dropped on the planet with the humans, it is just a bunch of people running around in the woods that could as much be in my backyard as it is elsewhere in the galaxy. And even though there are three predators (not the dozen or so that the trailer would make you think) they mostly play tag team with only one going after the group at a time.

I expected more from this being produced by Robert Rodiguez and directed by Nimród Antal who was hand-picked based on his previous works. It’s competently produced, beautifully shot, and the cardboard cutout characters do their part in the story. But I would recommend seeing the classic original instead. It has a bit more heart and originality and without Topher Grace.